After I wrote my earlier post today, I did a little housework and headed out to spend time with some friends. We made plans last week to see a movie and eat at the mall. We had a great time talking, and one of the ladies recently moved here, so it was fun getting to know someone new. The movie, When in Rome, wasn't all that great. It was cute but also silly. It didn't really matter though. We had fun.
I rushed home to pick up Baby Boy from school, along with two of his friends for a play date. When Soccer Boy got home, I spent some time with him as well. Drama Boy went to a friend's house so all I got was a phone call from him. I was really enjoying myself, and the kids were having fun hanging out with me too.
Then Husband (and "Perfect") came home and who knew that would turn into a mess? Certainly not me.
I went upstairs to talk to Husband and welcome him home, see how his day went and all that typical stuff. We got to talking about Husband calling to make our appointment with the counselor, and Husband said that he didn't make it because he couldn't get a hold of me. He made a point of getting my cell phone (which I had left at home on accident when I was out for the day) to show me that he had sent me a message trying to talk to me. The counselor was only available at certain times and he wanted to find out what time would work for me. Since I didn't answer him, he didn't make the appointment. All of which sounds reasonable and considerate, except I thought he wanted to take the appointment already in place for next week. The appointment where we were supposed to have a group session. We talked about that yesterday and I made all the arrangements with our insurance so that he could change the appointment from a group session to a session with just us. What was there to ask me about? Anyway, he obviously misunderstood, or I did, but either way there was a misunderstanding.
Husband was frustrated and told me that he doesn't want to have multiple appointments but would like to get to a resolution as soon as possible. He wants his son to come back over here in the next week or two. He also told me that I am bossy and that I'm just trying to get my way.
Honestly, I couldn't say anything. I was very surprised to hear that. I thought I was doing what he wanted and had asked me to do. He even made sure I had the right phone numbers and insurance information before he left for work today. This is certainly not how I want things. If I wanted to force my way, it would be that Trouble never come back over here again and Husband can spend time with him at the mall, or park, or movie theater or wherever, during his visitation. But I realize that is only in my best interest and not the best interest of Husband or Trouble. Going to counselling and trying to work with Trouble and The Witch is a royal pain. But because I love Husband and want Trouble to learn better ways of dealing with life, frustrations and jealousy, I'm a willing party. I'm really not sure how I am being bossy or trying to get my way.
Right now I feel very sensitive. It feels like I'm beaten up on a regular basis. I'm trying to have understanding for Trouble and The Witch in all their threats but I need to feel like Husband is supporting me just like I am supporting him. It hurts me very much when he says things like that. I need to hear that he loves and appreciates me.
So guess what? I'm now going to have to go downstairs and tell Husband that I love him and I'm sorry. Or I can stay up here and we can be angry with one another for the weekend. And of course if I stay up here and we are angry with one another, Husband will be sure to tell me how this is all my fault because of how I acted, that I always do this, that I treat him like crap...
I just need a hug sooo bad! I'd like to feel like I'm still loved even if I'm not perfect and that Husband feels bad about how he acted even if I didn't apologize first. Sometimes I think I'm not worthy of that because I've made too many mistakes.
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I really feel for you because I know exactly how you feel. What I find funny is how our husbands are quick to call us out on our behavior, but they aren't so quick to call out the ex's and their kids on their behavior. I've learned that it's just the way it is. Don't let this get you down. From one stepmother to another, you are appreciated =)
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry you feel this way. Even if it's not intentional, you may appear to be bossy or controlling. I'm often seen that way because my husband is stuck in the middle (of me, Ex, and MIL) and trying to make everybody happy. I can't win ALL the time. Maybe it would help if you just back off - don't mention Trouble or the counseling - and let your husband and his Ex handle it. Just a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. It seems unfair that one group of people get to do whatever they can but we, the people who made the choice to live/marry/be around them get the short straw.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that sometimes my BF does things and I totally understand why his ex gets frustrated or got angry with him. It's never necessarily one person's fault for a divorce because there are two people in a marriage and so we all contribute. Our contribution may be just how we react (or not react). So don't necessarily take his criticisms to be an absolute fact -- this might be his personality to a degree or how he reacts to stress by blaming others. I guess I'm saying, don't blame yourself or feel you have to save everyone. Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself and step back. You are a good person and you have a hard job -- and you are appreciated.
Selfish,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words. I'm trying not to let yesterday bring me down, but I think it was another straw on an already beaten camel's back. I still feel like crud today.
Sharon,
ReplyDeleteI would like to leave this up to my husband but he is the one who asked me to make those phone calls yesterday. It would be nice if he took over, because I'd much rather not be involved. He involves me, not the other way around.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it stinks! I often feel like I'm always the fall guy in situations between my hubby and the ex. I guess it's just easier to blame me than for them to be accountable for their own shortcomings. Unfortunately, counseling and the sessions sometimes take years to find a resolution, especially when it's a situation like yours. I am sure your husband is anxious and dreading dealing with the entire issues. I wish instead of attacking you he would reach out to you. Sometimes men are like little boys, they don't know how to deal with their emotions.
ReplyDeleteSending positive thoughts and energy your way.