I don't know what to do

I think Husband and I are finally at a stand still. I don't know what to do and I feel terrible about what is going to happen to Husband and Trouble's relationship if I can't figure out how to fix it. I know that sounds impossible, but isn't there something I can do?

Yesterday The Witch gave Husband a letter from Trouble and a parenting book. I read the letter today and it's filled with what I would have expected from Trouble. Here are his complaints:

He doesn't like our yelling.

He doesn't want us to take away his Ipod or phone.

He wants to go hang out at the mall with his friends.

He doesn't want to go to church.

He doesn't want to help with dishes, mowing the lawn or other chores.

He wants to spend time with just his dad and sister.

He wants his dad to take him to do more fun things on the weekend.

He wants us to spend more money on eating out.

He wants to do the same things as "Perfect".


Here is what I have concluded from this letter and from the book... The Witch thinks we are bad parents because of Trouble's complaints and that we need to give into Trouble's requests. The Witch is NOT going to speak to the counselor and she will not work with us directly.

I simply don't know where to go from here. We can go over each of these things with Trouble and the counselor but as long as The Witch continues to think we are unfair, what good will that really do? As long as Trouble has a mom who tells him that we aren't fair to him, he's not going to change at all. Why would he? The Witch obviously does all of these things for her son, and that works for her, however, she obviously doesn't respect that we are different and do things different. Somehow different, is wrong in her mind. Being more strict or more structured is wrong to her as well.

We talked to the counselor today and he confirmed that without The Witch's willingness to work through this in some form or fashion, we are at a stalemate. Working with Trouble directly will not solve anything. He also confirmed that we can't give into the demands of the children either. And sadly he also confirmed that with the way things are going, a side effect could be that Trouble will grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him.

I'm so sad and disappointed. I wish there was something else we could do. I want to find the golden nugget that fixes things. I have a terrible feeling that Trouble will be estranged from us for the rest of our lives and I worry that Husband is going to resent me.

The Witch's Email Made me Smile

Soccer Boy and Trouble's soccer coach has been trying to keep the team together for this spring season of indoor soccer. Normally we would all be playing outdoor soccer this time of year but our coach decided he wants to continue to play indoor instead. Soccer Boy wanted to do both indoor and outdoor but made the decision to stay with his team and play indoor only. However, Trouble kept saying that he "didn't feel like" playing soccer anymore. The boy is really good and has been a great asset to the team. He likes to play and he needs positive recreation. Plus, I went to a lot of effort to get him on our team this last season and I really wanted to see him continue. I realize that is the least good reason, but for once I can actually place my name on something good when it comes to Trouble.

Before we got to the game on Monday I asked Soccer Boy to try and talk to Trouble about playing with the team again. I also saw the coach's son talking to Trouble after the game and the coach talking to The Witch and her husband.(I guess he needs a name too but since the guy has never made an appearance in my life I never thought I'd ever be writing about him)

So, yesterday I saw an email from The Witch to the coach and she said that Trouble wants to keep playing with the team. Yeah!

He does exist

Last night Soccer Boy and Trouble had a soccer game. It's typical for The Witch to bring Trouble, and occassionally she will bring her other son, the one she has with her current husband. However, last night is one for the records.

I haven't seen her husband in real life. EVER. In over five years. That's right. Not ever. In fact when she was pregnant with that other son,I used to tease Husband that she must have had sex with a ghost because her husband doesn't exist.

But last night The Witch brought the entire family to watch the game, including the mysterious husband of hers. Of course none of them spoke to us or acknowledged our presence, but I did see the guy in the flesh finally.

I really wondered if the man ever did anything with his family at all. I guess every 5 years or so he makes an appearance.

On another note...

Husband asked "Perfect" over the weekend, to come to the game. He told her that the games are a lot of fun and she should come to see the boys play. So "Perfect" came to the game, but even she ignored her dad completely.

After the game was over, Husband tried to talk to Trouble, tell him good game and all of that, but Trouble couldn't walk fast enough away from his dad. Neither of Husband's kids said a word to him, or even looked at him. Isn't that sad? I don't get it.

The X's sister came to the game, which is typical, and Baby Boy left us to go sit with her. Had he not gone on his own, I would have said "Your aunt is here. Go say hi." After the game Soccer Boy spent 10 minutes talking to his aunt as well. I even talked to her for a minute.

I don't get my Husband's situation but I sure feel bad for him.

More on the Counselor Emails

Husband and I decided to respond with dignity and maturity to The Witch's email, and copy the counselor of course. This is the email written from the voice of Husband, but we wrote it mutually together.

"I feel that there is a great misperception about my wife and things that have happened here in our home. It is because of these misperceptions that I feel we need to meet together as adults who care about Trouble and who want what is best for him. This includes my wife.

I would like to address some of those misperceptions here and would hope to further this conversation in person with the counselor.

Stepped and I have both come to understand recently that Trouble has misinterpreted what we mean when we say this is our house. We are the adults who have the ultimate say in what goes on in our home. There has been a lot of dictation on Trouble's part as to what he thinks he should be able to do and has not respected our feelings in the matter. Because this is our home, and we have our own needs and wants and have to account for the needs and wants of all five of our children, the decisions made are up to our digression. This does not mean that the children are not welcome here or have a place in our home or our lives. We would like to have a discussion with Trouble on this subject as well.

There have been a handful of times over the last 4 and a half years where the words damn or hell have been used either toward or in front of the children. I believe this issue has been exaggerated.

The yelling has certainly increased over the last several months, as Trouble's disrespect has increased. Stepped is typically backing me up in the instances where Trouble has disregarded what I am saying to him. She does have an expectation that all the children are to be respectful to the adults and it does result in anger and yelling when they are not. We would like to minimize the conflicts, and come to a more positive approach but that can only take place if there is respect between all parties.

No one is more aware of Stepped's mistakes then she is. However, she deserves to be forgiven, as we all deserve forgiveness and we need to try to move forward.

We agree with the counselor's recommendation to have a discussion together to get past the misperceptions and talk about our differences so that we can be unified on behalf of the children. We are not asking for friendships nor would we think that is even reasonable, but we do mutually share 2 children between us and they need us all to work together for them. I feel that if we are united in purpose and respect one another, even if we disagree on the specifics, that the kids will be benefitted greatly. Then we can start to heal the relationship with Trouble, Stepped and I, and can move forward with having a discussion with him directly."

The Witch was totally ticked off and called Husband on the phone last night. She wasn't mad because of our email but because we replied including the counselor. She was mad that we included her email and she was still insisting that I'm the only problem and it has nothing to do with her. She doesn't think she needs to talk to the counselor at all. After about two minutes of her complaining at Husband, I gave him the "cut it off" sign and he said "I need to go" and hung up on her. I actually busted out laughing. It's not that it's really funny but she just acts so typical and predictable. I told Husband that if she tries to talk to him about this over the phone again, that he needs to say "Hold that thought. I need to get my recorder so I can record this conversation." I'm sure she will hang up at that point, but if not, we actually do have a device to record cell phone conversations which he can use.

We feel that this is most likely the end of counseling unless the counselor can calm her down and help her to see that it's in her sons' best interest for her to be more mature, respectful and cooperative. However, if she does try to take us to court, I think we have a good foundation to show that we have been respectful and willing to work with the counselor to help Trouble. I'm sure she will end up looking like an idiot and my guess would be the judge will tell her she needs to continue the counseling and be more cooperative. If she has a lawyer with any sense, the lawyer would tell her to do the same and save us all the headache of court.

As a side note, Husband invited Trouble to watch a movie with ALL of us yesterday and Trouble came with us. He didn't exactly talk to me directly, but when Soccer Boy was talking about their last soccer game on the drive, it was a group conversation and went well. It's not major, but it does show that The Witch was wrong (again) because it's not that Trouble doesn't want to be around me at all, like she said, but that he doesn't want to come over here and have to follow our rules. *sigh* She keeps saying that Husband doesn't get it but she is the one who is totally delusional. It's like a lot of you are saying, she is making this all into what she wants it to be and twisting things in order to suit her purposes. I don't like her either but she's still their mom, I respect that and I care enough about the kids to do things that might be uncomfortable for me in order to help them.

I doubt this is the end of the drama.

PS We actually do have fun around here too. We had a nice family Super Bowl party, with the family members who were home today. I'm stuffed from all the food!

Responses to Counselor Email

Reponse from Husband and I to the Counselor and The Witch (since we were asked to include everyone in counselor emails)

"Stepped and I (Husband) are ready and willing to meet with you and The Witch to discuss how to more effectively co-parent. Our specific thoughts for the discussion would be to:

*go over our household rules so there is no ambiguity

*gain a clearer understanding of The Witch's household rules

*come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's household rules, even those that differ

*create unity for the children, all parents working together in the kids best interest

We are available to meet next week in the evenings after 4:30. Or the following week from Wednesday on we are open anytime."



Reponse from The Witch sent only to Husband:

"Husband,
you are missing the problem. the problem is not in my household or about rules. the problem is with Stepped. Trouble does not want
to be around her at all. has nothing to do with his dislike for the rules. until you understand that there is little point talking about co-parenting. which I do not attend to do with her. I will coparent with you which I feel has been great, but not with Stepped. how can you talk about coparenting with someone who tells both my children all the time that your house is not theirs, yells and cusses all the time and then be involved in church activities. I will not be be involved with someone like that. I don't need that in my life or my kids life. I am willing to talk with you and discuss our children but that's it. I still think the goal for FAMILY therapy is to get Trouble involved and
talk to him about his problems. This is supposed to be about him, not my household."


So, there you have it. Did I predict this right or what?! Her view of me is so totally skewed I don't even know what to say really. Her discription of me sounds like a stranger because that is certainly not accurate.

We forwarded her message to the counselor and hope that maybe he can help but I doubt it. The Witch is the witch.

I have a question. Is it natural for me to now feel like I don't even want to be around "Perfect" either? If she too is telling her mom that I yell and cuss all the time and so on, what would be her reason for telling those lies? I get why Trouble is doing it, he's trying to get his mom on his side to hate me, but I've never been under the impression that "Perfect" also felt that way. I always thought she at least respected me and that we got along for the most part. I really didn't know that she too disliked me. That really makes me feel bad.

Laugh Out Loud!

We received the counselor's email today and after reading it, all I can do is to laugh out loud.

A little background, about 6 months ago:

The first time Trouble "ran away" from our house, was because Husband tried to take his phone away as a means of grounding him for his bad behavior that day. Trouble would not give Husband the phone and he left the house and hid somewhere to call his mom. The Witch called Husband after she talked to Trouble and it was my suggestion that after The Witch picked up Trouble, that she bring him back to our house and all of us adults go somewhere, like Wendy's or Starbucks, and talk about things that have been going on and to get a game plan together to help Trouble.

The Witch totally freaked out. She didn't want to have anything to do with talking to me or being around me at all. She made it clear to Husband that I am not part of this and it was just between them.

The Witch picked up Trouble and took him back to her house.

I tried emailing The Witch instead, not about this issue, but about other things that came up afterward. I was polite and stated my feelings on things that were happening and that I was concerned about Trouble.

The Witch chewed me up and spit me out. She would have nothing to do with me. She insulted me, complained to Husband and on and on.

I figured it wasn't worth trying to talk to her anymore, so I let it go after about three emailed attempts to work with her.

So today's email:

Guess what the counselor suggested?

"The most direct manner would be for all adults to meet for a respectful discussion of opinion so we can begin re-structuring the parental level"

LOL!!! Really? He suggested exactly what I tried to do 6 months prior!!!

The Witch is going to be so mad. I'm telling you. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm sure Husband is going to get an earful from her today. Poor guy.

Ha, ha, HA!

I'm totally in the mood for gloating. It's probably the only time I'm going to feel good about counselling, so I might as well enjoy it now!

The counselor told us today that Trouble needs private sessions so that Trouble can come to terms with whatever it is that is causing his anger. It's the counselors plan to meet with Trouble as soon as possible, tonight even if The Witch is willing to bring him over.

The counselor also said that ALL the parents need to be on the same page and need to stop placing the blame on one person. Specifically me because it's not all one persons fault. Yes, he totally said that!!

The new plan... The counselor is going to send an email to both The Witch and Husband outlining co-parenting and the importance for treating all parents as equals, including stepparents. That when the children come home with stories, the adults need to talk together so there is no more hearsay and guessing. That ALL parents need to be invovled when there are problems. That it's okay to disagree with the other parent, but that we each respect one another's position whether there is agreement or not.

The Witch is going to be spitting fire, steam out of her ears, cussing and hitting walls MAD when she gets that email. She wants it to be all me sooooo badly. So, HA, HA, Ha, HA, ha, ha. I win!

Actually, I hope with all my heart that The Witch will listen to the counselor and start helping Trouble to get past all his anger so we can all be happy. I really hope that even if she is mad about having to work with me (Oh, I just love that!) that she will still take Trouble to the counselor.

You know what makes me want to gloat the most? I've been saying this exact stuff for over a year now. I KNEW that we needed to come together as parents and get united FOR the children. I even tried to start dialog with The Witch this summer but her reponse was that she didn't have to talk to me, and she didn't care what I had to say. So, in your face Witch. I was RIGHT!

Okay, I think I am done now. I'll let you all know the reaction to the email.