I think Husband and I are finally at a stand still. I don't know what to do and I feel terrible about what is going to happen to Husband and Trouble's relationship if I can't figure out how to fix it. I know that sounds impossible, but isn't there something I can do?
Yesterday The Witch gave Husband a letter from Trouble and a parenting book. I read the letter today and it's filled with what I would have expected from Trouble. Here are his complaints:
He doesn't like our yelling.
He doesn't want us to take away his Ipod or phone.
He wants to go hang out at the mall with his friends.
He doesn't want to go to church.
He doesn't want to help with dishes, mowing the lawn or other chores.
He wants to spend time with just his dad and sister.
He wants his dad to take him to do more fun things on the weekend.
He wants us to spend more money on eating out.
He wants to do the same things as "Perfect".
Here is what I have concluded from this letter and from the book... The Witch thinks we are bad parents because of Trouble's complaints and that we need to give into Trouble's requests. The Witch is NOT going to speak to the counselor and she will not work with us directly.
I simply don't know where to go from here. We can go over each of these things with Trouble and the counselor but as long as The Witch continues to think we are unfair, what good will that really do? As long as Trouble has a mom who tells him that we aren't fair to him, he's not going to change at all. Why would he? The Witch obviously does all of these things for her son, and that works for her, however, she obviously doesn't respect that we are different and do things different. Somehow different, is wrong in her mind. Being more strict or more structured is wrong to her as well.
We talked to the counselor today and he confirmed that without The Witch's willingness to work through this in some form or fashion, we are at a stalemate. Working with Trouble directly will not solve anything. He also confirmed that we can't give into the demands of the children either. And sadly he also confirmed that with the way things are going, a side effect could be that Trouble will grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him.
I'm so sad and disappointed. I wish there was something else we could do. I want to find the golden nugget that fixes things. I have a terrible feeling that Trouble will be estranged from us for the rest of our lives and I worry that Husband is going to resent me.
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Oh, hon.
ReplyDeleteYou CAN'T fix it for them!
Did you ever read that the person with the LEAST power to manage the relationships in a stepfamily is the stepmum?
Please let up on yourself about this - if you take responsibility for fixing their relationship then they (especially Trouble) get to take a free ride and blame you if it doesn't work!
I really, really recommend Wednesday Martin's book Stepmonster - she talks, among lots of other useful stuff, about how in stepfamilies the biological family members often subconsciously get the stepmum to do the work THEY need to do in their own relationships.
You know, they would probably have this exact same crappy relationship if you weren't in the family... please don't take it on.
We have had some of these issues with the Kid... mainly the eating out thing. Apparently we don't take him out enough like his Mom does. Well how do you tell an 11 year old that it is his Mom's frivolous spending that is causing her to be on the verge of filing bankruptcy. Sorry, fancy dinners aren't worth that to me.
ReplyDeleteI can maybe understand the yelling... but I don't know how much you yell or what it is about... because if you have said it nicely 3 times, then yes, yelling is appropriate.
The other "issues" aren't valid... they are"I want to be a brat and don't want to do anything." It isn't like he is asking for you guys to stop beating him or something.