I agree with what you all are saying but Trouble has a sister, "Perfect", so it's not like Trouble is here sharing Husband with me and/or my kids. She is very much part of the visitations too and she is older so he's always had another sibling around. I don't talk about her a lot, as she isn't my biggest concern right now, but still she is here. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that Trouble would spend time with Husband alone. What would "Perfect" do? Stay here with me? Stay with The Witch? Why should she be left out? That isn't right.
It seems like this idea of "alone time" only became an issue as of late. I'm fairly sure it's another way of The Witch trying to make Husband look bad when really it's not very practical. Prior to me being in the picture Husband took both kids with him everywhere and I don't recall there ever being issues with having to share Husband.
However, the idea of taking one kid on an errand so there is alone time, yes, yes, yes. I do this as well and I have encouraged Husband to do the same.
Husband and I talked about this at length today as well, since we have no idea what The Witch is going to bring up and we want to be prepared. We both feel that as long as it's being demanded by the kids or by The Witch, then it's not going to happen. We are not going to be bossed around. Husband and I get to decide what works best for us, and if a time comes where one of us can take a child alone somewhere and no one feels left out, we should, but it's not going to be demanded or written in stone. We go with whatever works for that weekend and with whomever happens to be here at the time.
If it mattered that much for Trouble to spend alone time with Husband, he would have gone on the camp out. It's not about alone time, it's about splitting us up, dividing our fmaily, and that is not an option.
I hope I don't hurt any of your feelings. I really appreciated everything you said. It's been truly helpful for me to talk out my issues here and get your feedback. It helps me to figure out what I really think and feel.
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ReplyDeleteI do wonder this though. When your ex gets remarried and say she has new kids and your children no longer get time with their dad that isn't being shared with other children who see more of their dad than they do - and it's your children crying or acting out for the lack of that attention and feeling that dad has "replaced them" - will you feel the same then?
My kids were replaced by their dad. He remarried a woman with kids who started calling him dad. They never got a phone conversation even that wasn't interrupted by those new kids screaming dad this and dad that. When dad got remarried- her kids were in the wedding party. Ours weren't invited or even notified that a wedding was happening. He took her kids to disney and on a cruise- mine weren't invited or even sent a post card. Eventually, he just quit even calling. My kids don't exist in his world anymore. I suffered with my kids thru the pain of being rejected and replaced.
A view from the other side of the coin....
My kids have a dad and they don't call husband dad or really think of him as a parent. he is certainly there and takes care of us financially but they come to me first. both husband and i are great at going to my steps activities and cheering for them as much as we do my kids. we all live in the same city, so we see them often. husband didn't get a new family. he just expanded it. we don't give trouble or perfect the shaft. we treat all the kids the same and we don't leave anyone out. if anything we have done more for my steps then we do my bios because they aren't with us as often. we have taken my steps on many vacations just us and we haven't ever done that with my bios.
ReplyDeletei know what you are saying though, as it does happen to some families, but we are not like that at all. we don't separate our kids into his and hers but trouble is sure trying to get us to do that and the witch too for that matter. we think he is jealous and he shouldn't be. we love all of them. he typically gets alone time with his dad driving around and things like that. he seems to expect that the entire time should be on him going here and there spending money on him and that is simply not okay with us.
if my ex ever remarries and she has kids, i would expect that they all would do things as a family. as long as my kids are involved and are included i think it could be a lot of fun to have another set of siblings. if they need alone time with their dad, they have an hour drive with him back to his house and he can come alone to pick them up and talk to them without the other kids there. i wouldn't want the stepkids to get left out of fun activities because my kids don't want to share their dad.
I forgot about Princess...you're right about that. I still stick to my thoughts that it wouldn't hurt to take both of them out for breakfast occasionally and do something with them. To kick it up a notch, I don't see what would be wrong if you split up the kids into boys and girls and each of you did something with one group -- Dad could take boys to see a movie like "Transformers" and you could go do something girly with the girls. If these were all your biological kids, there would be times when each of you would do something separately with the kids one on one. You could even break it down by ages -- what's appropriate for a 14 year old might not be anything fun for a 5 year old (or vice versa).
ReplyDeleteI think if your ex got remarried, you would appreciate him taking some time out to spend alone with your kids with him. I think Amy raised some good points. Again, I'm talking about a cheap breakfast at McDonald's on occasion or going to run errands and having some time to talk one on one.
I know you find offense with Witch sticking her nose into your family's business. I totally understand and I'be be very resistant to what she had to say. But what's the real harm in him spending some time with his kids doing some things without you or his stepkids? Again, I'm talking about a little bit of time and/or a little activity that's appropriate for their age/sex. (Maybe even on the way home back to the Witch, for example?) Trouble/Princess may say "no, I don't want to" but at least it keeps the door open for a good relationship between them and your husband.
That was exactly my point. Your kids are there all the time. And that is not their dad. Why do you get so offended at the idea that your husband spend some one on one time with his kids. It's not their fault that their parents split up. Why should they have to spend every single minute of their time there sharing their dad with you and your kids. Yes, you all are a family and you should do family things. But why do you act like its wrong for them to want to spend time alone with their father? You act like you're jealous of that need. If their parents had not split up, it would be only natural for them to get one on one time with that parent during the course of the day/week.
ReplyDeleteWith every response you make - what comes out is. This is the family we created and we're going to ram it down their throats whether they are happy about it or not and if they can't accept that then they just won't be allowed to spend time with their dad. Its an accept me or lose your dad ultimatum. What you are missing is- your actions are going to drive them further away. The more you try to force ANY issue with a teenager, the more they resist. Its like you'd rather sabotage all these relationships just for what? To get back at the "witch"? Its causing problems between you and your hubby. Its causing problems between you and the kids. It's causing problems between hubby and his kids. Are you really afraid of him spending 30 minutes a visitation alone with his kids that much?
What if you allowed that to happen - What's the worst that could happen? Maybe what would happen is that the kids would be more open to spending time with you and your boys and doing things as a family if they didn't feel so strongly that you were trying to take their dad away and come between them and their dad. It shouldn't be doing the opposite just because you don't like their mom. You said that you wanted to work this out and make it better so why are you so resistant to this suggestion.
I still say that if your children's dad got remarried and no longer was allowed to spend any time alone with his kids - never. And your kids were having the issues with it that your step-kids are having, then you'd have a different outlook on it.
Hi Stepped - Seems like you're getting ganged up on ... just a little. I definitely see the point of view of the others that have commented, but I see your side too. What bothers me most about these blended family situations is that the adults are no longer able to make the rules. No one even attempts to reason with the kids about what life is going to be like from now on.
ReplyDeleteFurther, it appears no one is teaching Trouble about respect. I can't believe his mother allows him to treat you the way he does. You are an adult, bottom line, and the fact that his dad is now married to you earns you some respect. He also needs to respect the rules of the house you have built with his father, which IMO, are totally reasonable. It seems like all involved are manipulating the situation to get their way.
I think each of our family situations are unique and different, so we all have to do what works for our own family. Stepped, you and your husband know your family better than anyone, so you are the only ones who can decide what's best for your unique situation. I don't feel that I can judge anyone's story because I'm not living your life. All I know is - Stepped, keep up caring and trying to find resolution that works for your individual situation . You are definitely a loving person who wants a peaceful family where everyone is involved. You seem very fair and reasonable to me, and I'm going to keep supporting and encouraging you because, believe it or not, this will eventually pass. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThe thing that works best for me is to control what I can and focus on the positive, even if it's just my good ole' starbucks every morning. ;)
Wow. I think these comments raked you over the coals pretty good, so I'll be nice. It's a tough situation, and hopefully the counselor can offer some reasonable solutions that are agreeable to everyone.
ReplyDeleteI think some one-on-one alone time is good for kids/parents, and should be allowed when possible, but be careful not to let the child dictate your every move either. I do not believe a parent should have to buy a child's affection. The alone time can be a free or reasonably cheap activity. Good luck :)