Husband is having his weekend visitation, but is also a Scout leader for one of the troops in our area. They planned a camp out for Friday night into Saturday and Husband thought Trouble might enjoy going with him. Husband figured Trouble would say no (and in my opinion kind of set himself up for a no, but that's another issue) and suggested that if Trouble did not go camping that he would pick up Trouble and "Perfect" once he got back to spend time with them this evening.
Here is the response from The Witch, and she forwarded this to the counselor for some reason. I guess to make me look bad...
"I asked Trouble about going on the campout Friday and he is not interested in Boy Scouts. I tried talking him into it so you can hang out together just you and him, but he declined. I also talked to him about Saturday evening. He does not want to go to your house or be around Stepped. He said the last saturday visitation that took a lot of persuasion getting him to agree to, he felt uncomfortable being around Stepped. He said he didn't even get to spend any alone time with you at all. I think it would be best if he just spent time with you Saturday night on neutral ground. I don't want him to be with Stepped or at your house until after our meeting with the counselor on Wednesday."
The counselor is going to see that she hates me right? Does it seem obvious to you after reading the things I have posted? I think I am worried the counselor won't see that and actually believe I have done something wrong.
I blogged about that weekend here, you have to skip down to the bottom where I say "On a more positive note..."
For some reason I still feel the need to defend myself and say that we had no intention of bringing him to our house. I don't want him here and probably won't for a long time. I need to feel that both Trouble and The Witch are in a more cooperative and level headed place before I invite him back. As much as she would like it to sound as though she needs to protect Trouble from me, I too feel the need to protect myself from them!
I have one more question about the email above. Does Husband need to spend alone time with Trouble in order for it to count as time with Trouble? I'm confused about the notion that Husband should be alone with Trouble for every visitation. I rarely spend time alone with one of my kids, unless I'm driving them somewhere. X never has alone time with our kids. There is at least two of the three with him and it seems perfectly normal to me for a family of multiple kids to go out and do things as a group. Am I wrong about that? Maybe I feel that way because it seems to work okay with my biological children but it's not actually typical?
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I don't know what the others will say. In my situation, I don't have kids but I do try to make sure that BF and his kids have some alone time over a weekend. It's not the entire weekend but it's usually something like a movie or an errand (aka the mall).
ReplyDeleteReally, as annoying as this is to you, the best thing is to probably just sit back and let your husband and his ex bitch at each other and let the counselor see what's going on without any input from you. (Obviously, if the counselor asks you....). I think the counselor's getting a good bird's eye view of what's going on with Trouble. It would be nice if your husband said something positive about you and how you all spend the weekend when Trouble is around but I'm not optimistic. And, maybe there's no point since Witch will just use it to rev up an argument. Hang in there! Don't take it personally.
Lori,
ReplyDeleteYou said your husband spends time with his kids, plural,right? So he doesn't take time with each child individually right? Or does he?
I think it probably does make a difference since I do have kids. They would feel very left out if Husband took only his kids to do something fun and they couldn't go. If it were just me, I wouldn't care in the least.
But still I wonder if I am wrong. Maybe the kids would be fine and that is how it's supposed to be.
I used to try and give my kids some one on one time at least once a week. No, I don't think its reasonable for dad to spend 100% of his time with ONLY Trouble. But, neither do I think it unreasonable that Trouble have his dad's undivided attention during part of the time that they do have together. Not all of the time- but part of it. It may help alleviate some of the tension and resentment if Trouble isn't having to "share" what little time he has there with everyone. I know that my kids really resented and wanted to beat up their dad's new girlfriends kids. He spent 7 days a week with them and couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes on the phone talking to my kids without those other kids interrupting. It's basically a set up to cause problems if Trouble can't feel like he's still #1 in his dad's eyes for a least a half hour a weekend.
ReplyDeleteRight now, he's down to just one at home but two in college so they are more split up than when they were all living at home. I agree that your kids would feel badly if your husband went out and did something fun. But it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to take Trouble with him when he run errands or even out for a breakfast once in a while. But that's just my opinion. I think BF did have visitation with each kid on a different night earlier on in the divorce. I can see why Trouble might feel a bit lost in the shuffle at times but I'm just talking around things like going to the hardware store, etc. Not taking him alone Disney World by any means. Something low key.
ReplyDeleteWe also take the youngest's stepbrother with us when we ALL go to the movies; it seems unfair to leave him out. But BF and DD do go by themselves to the movies and it's fine with me (esp. if it's something I have no desire to see...lol). I guess different things work out for different situations.
You are a family, and whether the X or trouble like it or not, you ARE a family, and that's how you should spend your time. I do understand X's who are so threatened by our existence that they make these crazy demands and try to put all of their problems on us. Seriously!
ReplyDeleteAt manic-
ReplyDeleteBecause in the case of so many new families - the kids from the old family get shafted. Trouble's dad spends 7 days a week with his new family. 3 new step-sons and a new wife. He no longer has his dad 24 hours a day 7 days a week any more. Why would you think that the children of divorce are NOT going to resent the new family if this is the attitude they receive? Sure there is a "new family" now. But why does that mean that the old one gets shoved to a back burner. Mom and Dad got divorced- not the kids! And those 3 new step-sons get more of his dad's attention and time than he does. So why do you find it unreasonable for Trouble to want some time for just he and his father that isn't being taken over by people who already get more time with his dad than he does?
I entered my current marriage with my own two bio children, my husband had two, and then we had our son together. Despite his crazy ex trying to make the same demands (that he spend time with only his two), my husband felt strongly that we attempt to bond and blend as a family, not as seperate entities. He actually couldn't bear the thought of not including the rest of us in any activity...and he told his children and ex as much.He would occasionaly grab one of the kids to run a quick errand or build a birdhouse, or help them with lego building,do story time. The boys would sometimes play ball, the girls and I would go shopping or bake cookies. But it was like any intact family would function. My stepdaughter started makin a fuss about not getting alone time...but she was completely parroting her mom's demands and words. (She was only 7/8 at the time) My husband refused to do anything on demand from his ex...because he could see that she was jealous, manipulative, and threatened by my presence and the thought of us uniting as a family. When we had our son, she even told her kids that he was not their "real brother" and they didn't have to treat him as such.
ReplyDeleteOur children were much younger than yours, however, at the time of our marriage. They ranged in age from 5-8. Have you talked to your own children about this? Perhaps they would like some private time with you? Maybe you could occasionaly take THEM off for an outing, and leave your husband and his kids free to do something together, or to just hang out. It's just one way to handle it without feeling as though you/your kids are being shoved aside.
Just my other 2 cents. I feel you should be included in counseling, and you have every right to voice your side, your place regarding every situation involving you. You need to be part of the solution, which can only come from you being included and heard. Just my opinion.
I think that if adjusting to the new situation is the issue, time spent with your husband with just Trouble and Perfect should be enough.
ReplyDeleteBut even in intact families, kids find it a real gift to spend some alone time with just them and one or other parent - that's healthy for time to time, but expecting/demandng vast chunks of that kind of time is just unreasonable - even in first families, kids have to share if there's more than one of them and logistics constrain how often one-on-one time can happen.
(Although, some friends of mine with nine kids between them actually have a one-on-one time ROSTER!)
Interestingly, there is also apparently research that shows that kids who get to spend one-on-one time with a step-parent occasionally build better bonds with that step-parent - "one big happy family" type activities are more stressful for them, it seems.
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteWhat you describe is how we have functioned as well. When we go out for an activity, whomever is home is invited, since we have different groups of people here every weekend. But for playing a game, going to the store, or even a motorcycle ride (my husband loves to take the kids for rides)he will go with only one.
I think maybe The Witch is threatened by this, as you say, and maybe that is why she was upset that husband took all of us to see the movie, instead of just Trouble. Trouble knew that he was being invited to come with everyone and he didn't complain. It was only The Witch throwing a fit and I really need to stop listening to her rants.
Trouble turned down the chance to go camping with Husband alone. I don't think it's Trouble who has this need. It's the Witch being herself as usual.
stepmumoftheyear,
ReplyDeleteWith 9 kids you would have to keep a schedule or someone would surely get left out! I could see the need for that special time to be even more important to them.
Thank you for your comment. To demand this every weekend is not really feasible, but we need to make sure that sometimes the kids get their biological parent alone. It's a balance of both.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI think your kids were treated very unfairly and I am sorry their dad didn't try to work out a balance between ALL of his kids, bio and step.
Husband and I are trying to figure out that balance and I think we are doing okay. Trouble himself said no to attending a camp out alone with his dad just this weekend. This is probably The Witch's issue and not the kids issue.
Amy - I know exactly what it's like to be a child of divorce, an ex, a stepmom, a bio-mom, a wife, a bio-child, and a stepchild. I wear all the hats and I have just never resented any of my families, which is strange considering how dysfunctional my family is. I apologize if you perceived my comment in a negative light.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with requesting for father/child to spend time together, but for the ex to totally demand and want to exclude Stepped and the rest of the family is just wrong in my eyes. One on one time is fine, but it shouldn't be at the expense of excluding the rest of the family, and the request should be in a way that is respectful to all parties - new and old.
It doesn't appear to me that Stepped has in any way shoved the old family to the side. I have only been reading her blog for short time, but she seems like a very warm and loving person who is just struggling with the dysfunctions of life. I think she's doing a great job!
Manic,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. I needed to hear that this week as I'm going into counseling with The Witch in two days. I feel like a failure sometimes because Trouble is so angry with me, his mom hates me and husband and I struggle because of it. I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. You'd think I was new at this but it's been nearly 5 years already. We've struggled so long and I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I'm trying to fix them now and I only hope it's not too late.
I just found your blog, and had to post on this. This has been something that my husband and I agreed on from day one. We only get to see my stepson on an every other wknd, extra in the summer time basis. We now have 2 children together. But from day one, we have done things as a WHOLE, we are a FAMILY. Because SS is here on a weekend does not mean that the rest of us our out of the picture because he needs time alone. Hate to say it, but none of us rarely get time with any one of us alone. Of course the Ex likes to throw it out there that SHE thinks that SS wants time with just his Dad, but that is her opinion in OUR home. We really have never had any issues with it, because it has been made a point from the beginning that we are a Family.
ReplyDeleteI do find it funny though, because friends/family of ours that don't have a 'blended' family, have made comments that SS should get some special time with just his Dad. When I ask them if they take individual days with each and every one of their children they reply "well, No." That makes me wonder what the difference is?? Our biggest thing is, we want SS to see that when he comes over here it isn't a party every time. This is how a Family acts on a daily basis. While we do more fun things on a weekend then we do during the week, just the simple fact that he is here, doesn't mean that there are rules, and schedules and all that. It has always worked for us.
I would be beyond annoyed with the fact that the bio mom is telling us how to spend time with the child, but maybe that's because we respect her time with SS and don't tell her what to do with her time. Hang in there! I wish I could say it gets easier, but it looks like you have a lot on your plate with counselling and all that!
Thanks Mommy of 3. I'd like us to be a regular happy family (is there really such a thing?) but I realize that we need to try and adapt to one another in a difficult situation. Some of us are more willing to adapt then others and it certainly doesn't help the steps when their mom is so against me.
ReplyDeleteI've got a lot of eggs in the counseling basket.