Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Quick Update

Trouble had his appointment with the counselor. We got a two sentence email from the counselor which said "met with the kid and he is going to think about what we talked about". I take that to mean, he didn't like what he was told and that's the end of counseling.

Husband recently asked The Witch about future appointments, and she dodged the question.

The latest from Trouble is that he doesn't want to have a relationship with Husband. I guess that explains the counselor email.

The Witch is currently asking Husband to spend time with her and the kids. She has invited him to several events lately, including her nightly walk around the neighborhood and the circus this weekend. It makes me want to throw things. I thought Husband would tell her no way, but I see today that they are all going on a family outing Thursday night. Of course no one told me about it, I saw it in an email and I'm certainly not invited.

My true feeling is that my husband is stupid, the ex wife a controlling B and they are screwing up their kids by trying to act like a happy family that they aren't, which only makes it harder when the step parents are around because we mess up the happy family events that would have occurred if we just went away and died.

However, I'm trying to convince myself that it's best for the kids if their parents get along, even if it means they go out and do things together where I am not invited. I'm glad they can be around one another without starting a war and maybe it will help Husband to work things out with Trouble.

Still, where the heck do I fit into all of that?

10 comments:

  1. My Husband and his ex usually do one or two things a year together. It used to be they would take the Kid to see Santa and the Easter Bunny together at the mall and then get some pizza. Now that my SS is too old for that, I am still ok with them doing stuff just the 3 of them once or twice, but not more than that. This year they went to an engineering competition together.

    If they make a regular habit of it, I would have major issues with it. They aren't married and they aren't a happy little family anymore. Acting that way gives kids false hope.

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  2. I totally DIS agree with your husband's time with the ex!! He married YOU. Period.

    YOU should come first. Then kids. Most counselors will tell you this... at least Christian ones will...

    and absolutley under NO circumstances should your husband be in the presence of THAT woman without you! It sets up false hope for their kids. Period.

    I wanna throw things right along with you! Argh!

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  3. Try to look at it from your husband's point of view. If your ex had custody of your kids and they didn't want to visit you at your house, wouldn't you do ANYTHING, go ANYWHERE, move mountains to see them? Your husband's in a tough spot. Just try to be understanding.

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  4. Sharon, I can see how things have gotten crazy and it's hard for Husband to know how to spend time with a child who doesn't seem to want him around anymore.

    Still, it would have been nice:

    1. To have been informed before he made plans with The Witch and asked me how I felt about it

    2. To ask The Witch why she feels she needs to be there with him and Trouble because maybe Trouble would go with Husband alone, we really don't know, Husband hasn't even tried

    3. To have made more of an effort to talk to his son over the last month and not leave it all up to the controlling ex to orchestrate

    It would be easier to accept if I knew for sure this was the ONLY way, but so far Husband hasn't made any other attempts and is leaving it all up to The Witch.

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  5. I posed the question to a panel of experts because it's really bugging me. Here was one of the responses:
    "Excluding you, the step-mom, is a pretty clear indication that you’re a second class parent and likely an invitation to the kids to dismiss you as unimportant. I would think that this is a relationship issue first and foremost between you and the kids’ father. His defense that their mother doesn’t want you there doesn’t cut it. The kids’ needs come first, not hers.

    Psychologists globally agree to this: structure decreases anxiety. By communicating that the kids have two families –by drawing the boundaries between them clearly- you’re creating structure and decreasing everyone’s anxiety.
    Good luck!"
    Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D.

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  6. Although I see Sharon's point and agree, the major thing that would have me ready to throw things is the fact he didn't discuss this with you. Major relationship problem there.

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  7. Oh I agree that his communication with you is definitely lacking and he could do better with keeping you informed. That's probably the larger issue here, because I doubt that your husband is excited about spending an afternoon with his Ex on a "family outing." The Witch likely wants to supervise and control Trouble's relationship with dad, and your husband (like mine) passively went along with her hairbrained scheme. I would definitely confront the husband about why he didn't tell you the plans, why he wants to spend time with his ex, and why he isn't making more effort with Trouble on his own. But if you were snooping in his email when you discovered this, it could backfire on you too :)

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  8. Reading your post made my blood boil. If the ex pulled that with me I would flip. Bf tried to hide things from me at the beginning of our relationship but he soon found out that I became angry when I found out over just being hurt when he was up front.

    It still happens but its his mom, she pulls this crap with me and makes sure I am excluded from the festivities then she makes sure I somehow find out so I get upset or my feelings get hurt. I feel your pain.

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  9. Wow! I am with Carol on this one. I am so sorry that things are rocky right now. I'm sending you positive energy and good thoughts.

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  10. As Dr. Garber pointed out - drawing boundaries creates structure, which in turn decreases anxiety (in everyone!). In my opinion, doing something like this at this point will only create more problems, especially for Trouble.

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