More could have said...
The Witch "It's not okay to hit your children..."
Stepped "Come over here and I'll slap your face and you can tell us if it was an act of violence and if it hurt."
Only in my best dreams...
P.S. I died laughing after I wrote this. The visual is simply hilarious.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
After thoughts
What I wish I could have said, but of course never would:
The Witch "Husband should have told Trouble no (in reference to the birthday party) and spent time alone with him."
Stepped "Trouble had a good time at the party. Husband felt comfortable with his decision to take Trouble to the party. They were both happy and had a good evening. But because Husband didn't do exactly what you wanted him to do, or handle the evening the way you would have handled it, you are upset. Trouble is bright enough to figure out that you do not approve of the way Husband handles things and that you would do things differently. It now makes sense why Trouble no longer respects Husband or listens to Husband, no matter what tone of voice is being used in the asking. Husband has lost all credibility as a parent because of your attitude about his parenting.
The same situation applies to us going to see a movie two weeks ago. Trouble had a good time and Husband and I felt like it was a good first step in mending our relationship with Trouble. But your response was that I should not have gone with them and Trouble was uncomfortable, so Husband did the wrong thing. I was uncomfortable too! It's going to be uncomfortable for some time and had been uncomfortable for at least a year prior to this. This is the reason we are here, to work on things so we can be comfortable with one another again. In the meantime, if you are constantly critical of everything Husband does or doesn't do, Trouble will never come to respect his dad, and we will never be able to mend the relationship fully.
So far you have been negative and critical. Trouble knows how you feel about Husband's parenting and Trouble now has the same attitude. This is what the counselor means when he says you need to be supportive of Husband as Trouble's dad. You need to change how you are responding to Trouble when he is upset about something Husband has done or when Trouble makes comments about his activities where you do not approve."
How do you think that would have gone over? *smirk*
The Witch "Husband should have told Trouble no (in reference to the birthday party) and spent time alone with him."
Stepped "Trouble had a good time at the party. Husband felt comfortable with his decision to take Trouble to the party. They were both happy and had a good evening. But because Husband didn't do exactly what you wanted him to do, or handle the evening the way you would have handled it, you are upset. Trouble is bright enough to figure out that you do not approve of the way Husband handles things and that you would do things differently. It now makes sense why Trouble no longer respects Husband or listens to Husband, no matter what tone of voice is being used in the asking. Husband has lost all credibility as a parent because of your attitude about his parenting.
The same situation applies to us going to see a movie two weeks ago. Trouble had a good time and Husband and I felt like it was a good first step in mending our relationship with Trouble. But your response was that I should not have gone with them and Trouble was uncomfortable, so Husband did the wrong thing. I was uncomfortable too! It's going to be uncomfortable for some time and had been uncomfortable for at least a year prior to this. This is the reason we are here, to work on things so we can be comfortable with one another again. In the meantime, if you are constantly critical of everything Husband does or doesn't do, Trouble will never come to respect his dad, and we will never be able to mend the relationship fully.
So far you have been negative and critical. Trouble knows how you feel about Husband's parenting and Trouble now has the same attitude. This is what the counselor means when he says you need to be supportive of Husband as Trouble's dad. You need to change how you are responding to Trouble when he is upset about something Husband has done or when Trouble makes comments about his activities where you do not approve."
How do you think that would have gone over? *smirk*
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Counseling Details – The Juicy Stuff
So, I made it through the session. I did better than I thought I would actually. However, I probably did talk a little more than I should have. But I was calm and respectful the whole time.
The Witch cannot say the same. She obviously is not a yeller, so her voice was not raised but she was highly judgmental and argumentative. She did not listen to anything the counselor had to say at all. Her husband never spoke a single word. It was like he wasn't even there.
Not that this has anything to do with the session, but now that I've seen this guy up close, I have no clue what she left my husband for. I guess he makes more money and he is taller, but my husband is so attractive and hers… he's okay but not so much.
Husband did GREAT! I was totally proud of him and he said some things to her that needed to be said. Yet, he did it with a lot of class.
I wish I could remember everything but basically it started with the counselor talking about what he has observed from the two sessions and the email exchanges. He went over what he thought would be helpful for our situation, being that the adults need to come together and support each other's household, respect the differences and make the transitions as easy as possible between homes. Husband was the first to talk and said yes he agrees with what the counselor was saying. The Witch said she wasn't sure.
The Witch went into how Trouble is perfect at her house and they have no issues so the problems are all with Husband and mostly with me. (Big shock right?) That she is doing everything possible to help Trouble to spend more time with his dad and he doesn't want to come to the house anymore because of me.
Husband explained about some of the events leading up to Trouble not wanting to come over and explained how Trouble is using the two parents against one another to get what he wants because he figured out how he can.
The Witch said that she believes everything Trouble tells her, and she can't imagine him lying, so if he is saying there are problems, it's because there are.
Husband said Trouble has lied to her about things or exaggerated the truth many times.
The Witch was mad Husband called Trouble a liar and again said she believes what he says and that he would never lie.
Husband said he knows Trouble has lied and "Kids do that".
The counselor was close to laughing. I'm glad he has facial hair to hide behind or his emotions would give him away. The counselor said he doesn't feel arguing will help but Trouble will be biased in retelling of events and we need to be aware of that for future and take time to find out the facts from the other parent.
The Witch would have nothing to do with that at all.
I'm not sure what happened next. I think the counselor asked us about the differences in our homes and why some of those differences are causing issues. Something like that. Husband brought up going to church and how we want him to go with us but he causes huge fights about church.
The counselor asked if it's because of church, Stepped, the rules or doctrine. The Witch said it's because Trouble doesn't believe everything he hears at church but she has always been respectful of church and takes "Perfect" to church and more stuff I don't remember about how wonderful she is about church.
I had a look on my face like "Are you kidding me?"
The Witch said "Stepped do you have something to say?" (really snotty too by the way)
I took a second, since these would be my first words, and looked right at her and said "You don't think positively about church. I know your parents brought you up in this same church and you have been against it since you were 17. We all know you don't like our religion and you have not been supportive of our beliefs." - please note I was polite in my tone and my body language, thank you very much
She said nothing. Yeah me!
The counselor said he would like to talk to Trouble to find out what it is about church he doesn't like and all we can do is to speculate without him there.
The Witch and Husband talked about all kinds of things after this. Mostly arguing but I have to say Husband did not come across as angry or argumentative, even if he was contradicting what she was saying. He did get upset a few times but folded his arms across his chest and said nothing. She was mad though. Things were not going her way and she wasn't happy.
I spoke to The Witch directly a few other times. Once to defend Husband when The Witch said that Husband NEVER does anything with his kids. Husband was quiet so I piped up and listed off all of the things Husband does with his kids when they come to visit. Again, The Witch said nothing.
The counselor said he would talk to Trouble about what "spending time" means to him so he can get more clarification and work from there.
The Witch said I yell at Trouble all of the time and Husband came to my defense and said other than the one time, I am rarely involved and it's usually Husband enforcing rules that Trouble associates with Stepped, like bedtime. So while Trouble is saying he is mad at Stepped, Stepped wasn't the one involved.
I believe The Witch said something like "Oh please"
The next time I spoke was when she started in about the night I slapped Trouble and how she just can't have that. It's not okay to hit your child and I should have left him in the bathroom to cool down rather than barging into the bathroom yelling and hitting.
Obviously I couldn't let that one go, so I explained how I knocked on the door to ask him to come out and come to see a movie with us. I did not slap him until after all three of us were in the hall and he had been yelling in my face, then I did send him to sit on his bed to talk to his dad, and after we still went to see the movie.
The Witch said with eyes rolling "Because the most important thing was the movie."
I said "No. I was fine with Trouble not going to the movie but Husband wanted Trouble to go and I was supporting my husband."
The counselor said what happened that night was not okay but we need to let the past go. Talking about all of the bad things we have done is not helping. He asked us to think of positives on both sides because surely there are good things about everyone.
I don't know where this part was in the conversation but The Witch told Husband she was upset with him for taking Trouble to a birthday party this weekend, instead of spending time with him.
Husband said he did spend time with him and Trouble wanted to go to the party.
The Witch said Husband should have told Trouble no because they needed to spend more time together.
Husband said Trouble could have spent the entire day with him camping but Trouble didn't want to go.
The Witch said she tried to get Trouble to go but Trouble said no and she wasn't going to make him.
LOL -- Did you catch the contradiction?
Husband also said it wasn't up to her what he decides to do with the kids during his time. -- Go Husband!!
We ended the hour with the counselor once again telling The Witch she plays an important role in supporting Husband as Trouble's dad, even if she doesn't agree with the way he parents. He reiterated while we have different styles of parenting and different ideas about what is acceptable and what isn't, the important thing is for the kids to make the switch from one home to the other and respect the rules in each house. The Witch continued to say how it's not about her but only about Husband and me.
The last time I spoke to her I said "It is about you. We are all adults involved in Trouble's life and you need to be involved in this because you are his mother."
She said something like I am involved but kind of under her breath.
The counselor set an appointment for Trouble two weeks from now. The counselor will be talking to Trouble alone. As we walked out the counselor was saying he will try to keep some spots open for the weeks following, in the evenings, so we don't have to wait as long between sessions. The Witch walked right past the counselor, her husband on her heels, not a word to the counselor and bolted down the hallway. Husband and I paused to shake hands with the counselor and told him thank you.
The Witch will never change. I fear if she doesn't work on her little part of all of this, there is really no hope. But maybe the counselor can work miracles with Trouble. I don't totally get why The Witch is so negative. She barely has anything being asked of her. Husband and I are going to be on the hot seat for a long time and I'm sure we will be asked to make a lot of changes. If there was resistance you'd think it would be one of us.
I think Husband and I did the best we could. I probably should have kept my mouth shut a little more, but I also think what I said each time was important. Husband thought I did well.
So there you have it. My dreaded day is past and I got through it without getting mad. Working with Trouble and the counselor will be no fun either but I hope it will make some difference after a few times. I've been warned that counseling gets worse with teenagers before it gets better.
I Survived
The appointment could have gone better but it also could have been worse. I want to type more, but I made a promise to myself that I would dedicate afterschool time to getting the kids homework done. Homework is a major issue around here.
All in all I am very please with my husband and the things that he said. I did talk, but only a little. Twice to The Witch directly but otherwise I answered questions from the counselor. I did not get mad or act in any way I would be embarassed. Husband completely surprised me with all the great things he said. I am very proud of him.
More details to come but I survived.
All in all I am very please with my husband and the things that he said. I did talk, but only a little. Twice to The Witch directly but otherwise I answered questions from the counselor. I did not get mad or act in any way I would be embarassed. Husband completely surprised me with all the great things he said. I am very proud of him.
More details to come but I survived.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Can Of Worms
Husband spends 80 to 85% of his visitations taking his two kids out to do various activities just the three of them. My bio kids have those weekends with their own dad, so the only person the steps "compete with" is me, and I don't find all the things they do very fun, plus I have my own friends and I do girls night when my kids are gone for the weekend. The steps love to walk around the mall, which I avoid like the black plague. They watch movies I don't care to see. Husband has taken his kids on vacation to see his family without me, and this summer they spent two weeks on a vacation while I was across the country visiting my own family. Plus driving back and forth from The Witch's house to our, shopping, errands, and other basic things.
I NEVER said that I didn't want the steps to spend alone time with their dad and I am actually offended that anyone would read that into my question or my posts.
I asked if Husband should spend EVERY visitation with ONLY his kids based on a sentence in The Witch's email. And now that I've had days of thinking about it, plus being trashed on my blog, I realize it was a dumb question. Of course it's okay for me and/or my kids to be involved in activities with Husband and the steps and it's okay for us to plan family activities. I shouldn't listen to The Witch complaining and think that she's right about anything. It's stupid that she was mad because I was at the movies too. Trouble had a good time and told Husband that he did and so did the rest of us.
I know I've opened another can of worms by even posting this, but it seems I was not frank enough about what I was asking or saying. So, now it's frank.
I NEVER said that I didn't want the steps to spend alone time with their dad and I am actually offended that anyone would read that into my question or my posts.
I asked if Husband should spend EVERY visitation with ONLY his kids based on a sentence in The Witch's email. And now that I've had days of thinking about it, plus being trashed on my blog, I realize it was a dumb question. Of course it's okay for me and/or my kids to be involved in activities with Husband and the steps and it's okay for us to plan family activities. I shouldn't listen to The Witch complaining and think that she's right about anything. It's stupid that she was mad because I was at the movies too. Trouble had a good time and told Husband that he did and so did the rest of us.
I know I've opened another can of worms by even posting this, but it seems I was not frank enough about what I was asking or saying. So, now it's frank.
One More Day
Only 24 hours from now I will be sitting in a room with The Witch "talking". I told my mom yesterday that I need angels sitting next to me holding their hands over my mouth. To say I am scared would be putting it mildly.
Husband and I have gone over what it is we are hoping to get from the session and I did my best to "practice" with him on what to say in order for us to get our point across. It didn't go very well, but maybe the real thing will go better.
Thankfully last night we didn't talk about any of this stuff and we got a good night's sleep. I can only hope tonight we will get at least some sleep.
Husband and I have gone over what it is we are hoping to get from the session and I did my best to "practice" with him on what to say in order for us to get our point across. It didn't go very well, but maybe the real thing will go better.
Thankfully last night we didn't talk about any of this stuff and we got a good night's sleep. I can only hope tonight we will get at least some sleep.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
More on Alone Time
I agree with what you all are saying but Trouble has a sister, "Perfect", so it's not like Trouble is here sharing Husband with me and/or my kids. She is very much part of the visitations too and she is older so he's always had another sibling around. I don't talk about her a lot, as she isn't my biggest concern right now, but still she is here. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that Trouble would spend time with Husband alone. What would "Perfect" do? Stay here with me? Stay with The Witch? Why should she be left out? That isn't right.
It seems like this idea of "alone time" only became an issue as of late. I'm fairly sure it's another way of The Witch trying to make Husband look bad when really it's not very practical. Prior to me being in the picture Husband took both kids with him everywhere and I don't recall there ever being issues with having to share Husband.
However, the idea of taking one kid on an errand so there is alone time, yes, yes, yes. I do this as well and I have encouraged Husband to do the same.
Husband and I talked about this at length today as well, since we have no idea what The Witch is going to bring up and we want to be prepared. We both feel that as long as it's being demanded by the kids or by The Witch, then it's not going to happen. We are not going to be bossed around. Husband and I get to decide what works best for us, and if a time comes where one of us can take a child alone somewhere and no one feels left out, we should, but it's not going to be demanded or written in stone. We go with whatever works for that weekend and with whomever happens to be here at the time.
If it mattered that much for Trouble to spend alone time with Husband, he would have gone on the camp out. It's not about alone time, it's about splitting us up, dividing our fmaily, and that is not an option.
I hope I don't hurt any of your feelings. I really appreciated everything you said. It's been truly helpful for me to talk out my issues here and get your feedback. It helps me to figure out what I really think and feel.
It seems like this idea of "alone time" only became an issue as of late. I'm fairly sure it's another way of The Witch trying to make Husband look bad when really it's not very practical. Prior to me being in the picture Husband took both kids with him everywhere and I don't recall there ever being issues with having to share Husband.
However, the idea of taking one kid on an errand so there is alone time, yes, yes, yes. I do this as well and I have encouraged Husband to do the same.
Husband and I talked about this at length today as well, since we have no idea what The Witch is going to bring up and we want to be prepared. We both feel that as long as it's being demanded by the kids or by The Witch, then it's not going to happen. We are not going to be bossed around. Husband and I get to decide what works best for us, and if a time comes where one of us can take a child alone somewhere and no one feels left out, we should, but it's not going to be demanded or written in stone. We go with whatever works for that weekend and with whomever happens to be here at the time.
If it mattered that much for Trouble to spend alone time with Husband, he would have gone on the camp out. It's not about alone time, it's about splitting us up, dividing our fmaily, and that is not an option.
I hope I don't hurt any of your feelings. I really appreciated everything you said. It's been truly helpful for me to talk out my issues here and get your feedback. It helps me to figure out what I really think and feel.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Husband is having his weekend visitation, but is also a Scout leader for one of the troops in our area. They planned a camp out for Friday night into Saturday and Husband thought Trouble might enjoy going with him. Husband figured Trouble would say no (and in my opinion kind of set himself up for a no, but that's another issue) and suggested that if Trouble did not go camping that he would pick up Trouble and "Perfect" once he got back to spend time with them this evening.
Here is the response from The Witch, and she forwarded this to the counselor for some reason. I guess to make me look bad...
"I asked Trouble about going on the campout Friday and he is not interested in Boy Scouts. I tried talking him into it so you can hang out together just you and him, but he declined. I also talked to him about Saturday evening. He does not want to go to your house or be around Stepped. He said the last saturday visitation that took a lot of persuasion getting him to agree to, he felt uncomfortable being around Stepped. He said he didn't even get to spend any alone time with you at all. I think it would be best if he just spent time with you Saturday night on neutral ground. I don't want him to be with Stepped or at your house until after our meeting with the counselor on Wednesday."
The counselor is going to see that she hates me right? Does it seem obvious to you after reading the things I have posted? I think I am worried the counselor won't see that and actually believe I have done something wrong.
I blogged about that weekend here, you have to skip down to the bottom where I say "On a more positive note..."
For some reason I still feel the need to defend myself and say that we had no intention of bringing him to our house. I don't want him here and probably won't for a long time. I need to feel that both Trouble and The Witch are in a more cooperative and level headed place before I invite him back. As much as she would like it to sound as though she needs to protect Trouble from me, I too feel the need to protect myself from them!
I have one more question about the email above. Does Husband need to spend alone time with Trouble in order for it to count as time with Trouble? I'm confused about the notion that Husband should be alone with Trouble for every visitation. I rarely spend time alone with one of my kids, unless I'm driving them somewhere. X never has alone time with our kids. There is at least two of the three with him and it seems perfectly normal to me for a family of multiple kids to go out and do things as a group. Am I wrong about that? Maybe I feel that way because it seems to work okay with my biological children but it's not actually typical?
Here is the response from The Witch, and she forwarded this to the counselor for some reason. I guess to make me look bad...
"I asked Trouble about going on the campout Friday and he is not interested in Boy Scouts. I tried talking him into it so you can hang out together just you and him, but he declined. I also talked to him about Saturday evening. He does not want to go to your house or be around Stepped. He said the last saturday visitation that took a lot of persuasion getting him to agree to, he felt uncomfortable being around Stepped. He said he didn't even get to spend any alone time with you at all. I think it would be best if he just spent time with you Saturday night on neutral ground. I don't want him to be with Stepped or at your house until after our meeting with the counselor on Wednesday."
The counselor is going to see that she hates me right? Does it seem obvious to you after reading the things I have posted? I think I am worried the counselor won't see that and actually believe I have done something wrong.
I blogged about that weekend here, you have to skip down to the bottom where I say "On a more positive note..."
For some reason I still feel the need to defend myself and say that we had no intention of bringing him to our house. I don't want him here and probably won't for a long time. I need to feel that both Trouble and The Witch are in a more cooperative and level headed place before I invite him back. As much as she would like it to sound as though she needs to protect Trouble from me, I too feel the need to protect myself from them!
I have one more question about the email above. Does Husband need to spend alone time with Trouble in order for it to count as time with Trouble? I'm confused about the notion that Husband should be alone with Trouble for every visitation. I rarely spend time alone with one of my kids, unless I'm driving them somewhere. X never has alone time with our kids. There is at least two of the three with him and it seems perfectly normal to me for a family of multiple kids to go out and do things as a group. Am I wrong about that? Maybe I feel that way because it seems to work okay with my biological children but it's not actually typical?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
More on The Witch
There has been more drama via email with The Witch going on as well as late nights with Husband. She emailed the counselor early this week inquiring about our appointment. Her email went something like:
"I haven't heard anything about our appointment this week. Ever since my meeting with the counselor I haven't been told anything. Trouble is getting comfortable with not seeing Husband and Husband seems to be okay with not communicating with Trouble. If we aren't going to do something soon I will have to get my lawyer involved."
The counselor emailed back something like:
"We haven't set an appointment. I am available on this day at these times."
I emailed back that we are available for the day and time of my choice.
This morning The Witch sent three emails, starting at 7:30 in the morning. The first email said that she would like to meet today if possible because she doesn't want to wait another week and she told everyone over a week ago that she wanted to meet. (Her email was sent the evening of the 11th. That is not even a week ago. Do your math lady!)
The second email said that if she has to wait a week then she needs to meet at another time because "Perfect" has a dentist appointment an hour after the appointment I suggested and Husband should already know that since she told him two weeks ago. (Well, I didn't know. Sheesh)
Husband responded that her time change was fine with us. And The Witch wrote back something like:
"So we are all in agreement to meet at said day and time then?"
Can we say controlling? Let the counselor do his job lady!
Husband was mad about the email from yesterday which is why he was in a bad mood last night and didn't feel like talking to me. He felt attacked. And hoenstly, he was. The Witch is making him sound like a bad parent, since we all know that is her stance on this issue. But we took Trouble to the movies with us the last weekend Husband had visitation and Husband tried to talk to Trouble at the soccer game last Monday. Husband is trying during the time he is given and The Witch's attacks are unfounded. If we needed to defend ourselves she would be the one who would look like an idiot.
Personally,I'm glad The Witch is showing her true colors. Counseling won't do any good if we aren't honest and transparent about who we are and how we feel. I'm glad to see her acting like the crazy, controlling person she is and the counselor is getting all of these emails. She's trying to control him too. I'm starting to wonder if this woman has any sense.
"I haven't heard anything about our appointment this week. Ever since my meeting with the counselor I haven't been told anything. Trouble is getting comfortable with not seeing Husband and Husband seems to be okay with not communicating with Trouble. If we aren't going to do something soon I will have to get my lawyer involved."
The counselor emailed back something like:
"We haven't set an appointment. I am available on this day at these times."
I emailed back that we are available for the day and time of my choice.
This morning The Witch sent three emails, starting at 7:30 in the morning. The first email said that she would like to meet today if possible because she doesn't want to wait another week and she told everyone over a week ago that she wanted to meet. (Her email was sent the evening of the 11th. That is not even a week ago. Do your math lady!)
The second email said that if she has to wait a week then she needs to meet at another time because "Perfect" has a dentist appointment an hour after the appointment I suggested and Husband should already know that since she told him two weeks ago. (Well, I didn't know. Sheesh)
Husband responded that her time change was fine with us. And The Witch wrote back something like:
"So we are all in agreement to meet at said day and time then?"
Can we say controlling? Let the counselor do his job lady!
Husband was mad about the email from yesterday which is why he was in a bad mood last night and didn't feel like talking to me. He felt attacked. And hoenstly, he was. The Witch is making him sound like a bad parent, since we all know that is her stance on this issue. But we took Trouble to the movies with us the last weekend Husband had visitation and Husband tried to talk to Trouble at the soccer game last Monday. Husband is trying during the time he is given and The Witch's attacks are unfounded. If we needed to defend ourselves she would be the one who would look like an idiot.
Personally,I'm glad The Witch is showing her true colors. Counseling won't do any good if we aren't honest and transparent about who we are and how we feel. I'm glad to see her acting like the crazy, controlling person she is and the counselor is getting all of these emails. She's trying to control him too. I'm starting to wonder if this woman has any sense.
Postponed
The Counselor didn't have any appointments for today so our appointment is going to be next week Wednesday. I thought I would be sad about that, but after the last two nights there is no way I am up for meeting with The Witch.
Husband and I talked at 4am and I was able to say what I tried to say the night before. And thanks to you ladies I had better words. It went well and he finally understood I was not insulting him but explaining that if he and/or "Perfect" are still harboring negative feelings about the birthday, we need to resolve it now and move on.
Husband also had an epiphany. He said he thinks that there must be something going on with him because he doesn't seem to be able to take charge of anything.
Halleluha! Finally!!
I hope this statement comes with action because it would make a huge difference if Husband could take more charge and not leave me to shoulder everything.
Husband and I talked at 4am and I was able to say what I tried to say the night before. And thanks to you ladies I had better words. It went well and he finally understood I was not insulting him but explaining that if he and/or "Perfect" are still harboring negative feelings about the birthday, we need to resolve it now and move on.
Husband also had an epiphany. He said he thinks that there must be something going on with him because he doesn't seem to be able to take charge of anything.
Halleluha! Finally!!
I hope this statement comes with action because it would make a huge difference if Husband could take more charge and not leave me to shoulder everything.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Terrible Day and now Night
Husband sent me a text saying that he was sorry he was being a jerk to me last night. I sent one back with a simple, Okay.
Husband came home from work and didn't look at me, talk to me, hug me or give me the slightest acknowledgement. I went upstairs and said that I thought he was sorry for the way he treated me, and he said that he was sorry but was in a bad mood. Okay, enough said. I went back downstairs.
Husband spent the rest of the night moping around. He never spoke to me. Now he is in bed.
I have no idea if something is going on with him, or if he expects me to do something, or what. I'm sitting here, exhausted, and needing my bed but not sure if I should get in it or sleep on the couch.
Somehow, I'm sure whatever it is, it's going to be my fault.
Husband came home from work and didn't look at me, talk to me, hug me or give me the slightest acknowledgement. I went upstairs and said that I thought he was sorry for the way he treated me, and he said that he was sorry but was in a bad mood. Okay, enough said. I went back downstairs.
Husband spent the rest of the night moping around. He never spoke to me. Now he is in bed.
I have no idea if something is going on with him, or if he expects me to do something, or what. I'm sitting here, exhausted, and needing my bed but not sure if I should get in it or sleep on the couch.
Somehow, I'm sure whatever it is, it's going to be my fault.
Terrible Day
Last night Husband and I were talking and somehow the conversation turned to all the things I've done wrong to upset "Perfect". It started with Husband telling me how we have hurt "Perfect" and every birthday she thinks about the birthday we got into a fight. I spent at least 20 minutes reminding Husband of that birthday and what happened.
Here's the condensed version:
Earlier in the day I found a huge bloodclot in my underwear. I called my doctor but their office was already closed. Several hours later Husband wanted to get out the birthday cake (which I made, thank you) and I cleared off the table, which required taking some things upstairs. I felt like I might be bleeding and stopped in the bathroom to check, and I was. Husband came upstairs to get me and was yelling at me that I'm being rude to "Perfect" and ruining her birthday. I went downstairs with him and sat at the table. We sang, did the candles and so on. They were all eating cake and I excused myself and went up to lay down. Husband came upstairs and YELLED at me that I was very selfish and he didn't care what the reason was for me leaving it's not an excuse for ruining "Perfect's" birthday and so on. Then he slammed the door. I never got to say a word about feeling sick and bleeding. When I got up from the bed, the bleeding was much worse and I felt I needed to go to the hospital. I went downstairs and told Husband about the bleeding and I needed to go to the hospital. Husband didn't want to take me because he didn't want "Perfect" to feel rejected and have this be her worst birthday ever, so after telling "Perfect" I was sorry but I was having an emergency, I drove myself to the hospital. Late that night when I returned home, the house was locked, the lights were out and everyone was sleeping, even Husband. Now, I was fine, I just had the worst period ever, during a non-period time of my cycle. It's never happened before or after.
So back to Husband and I last night...
I reminded Husband of this story, and asked Husband how he knows "Perfect" thinks about that birthday or that it bothers her. He said it just does. I pushed for an actual answer and he said because she told him it bothers her. I asked him how the conversation went. He said he couldn't remember. Then he changed his mind and said it was probably that she had a look on her face or something and he knew it was because of that birthday. (Seriously? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard) I asked him how he knew and he said he didn't know. Then he changed his mind again and said the "The Witch" told him. Again, I asked how the conversation went and did he explain what actually happened on that birthday? He got really angry and yelled at me all his typical poor Husband sob story excuses, like he can't remember anything, and it's all his fault and he's stupid, blah, blah. I asked him to stop being dramatic and just answer the question. He said he already did.
So, I changed my tactics and asked him if he felt like I did something wrong by having to got to the hospital on her birthday. Was it possible that he might have been able to help "Perfect" understand that it was not her fault, nor my fault, and Husband was being a jerk that day? That "Perfect", at 14 then, was old enough to understand an emergency and we could have postponed the celebration until the next day?
Husband's response was I'm right and it's all his fault. (I hate when he does that.)
I started crying and reminded him it was a hard day for me too. I felt very unloved and had to take care of myself and because he was so concerned about damaging his kids, he couldn't even think about how much it might hurt me. He couldn't even wait up to make sure I was okay.
Husband's response was that I am an adult.
I cried off and on most of the night and all day today. I'm not sure why I am feeling so emotional. Maybe because of all the other issues we are dealing with right now, but somehow his words just hit me in my gut.
I know I am an adult but good grief. I was having massive unexplained bleeding. It wouldn't matter to me what day it was, if someone in the family needs to go to the hospital, that becomes the new priority for me.
It seems to me if "Perfect" is actually still thinking about that day and it bothers her, or The Witch is using it as another reason to hate me, then Husband needs to fix it. I don't feel like I did anything wrong and I shouldn't be continually punished for needing to go to the hospital because it was someone's birthday.
If anything Husband should feel sorry for how much he hurt me as well.
Oh, no I forgot, Husband doesn't say he's sorry.
Here's the condensed version:
Earlier in the day I found a huge bloodclot in my underwear. I called my doctor but their office was already closed. Several hours later Husband wanted to get out the birthday cake (which I made, thank you) and I cleared off the table, which required taking some things upstairs. I felt like I might be bleeding and stopped in the bathroom to check, and I was. Husband came upstairs to get me and was yelling at me that I'm being rude to "Perfect" and ruining her birthday. I went downstairs with him and sat at the table. We sang, did the candles and so on. They were all eating cake and I excused myself and went up to lay down. Husband came upstairs and YELLED at me that I was very selfish and he didn't care what the reason was for me leaving it's not an excuse for ruining "Perfect's" birthday and so on. Then he slammed the door. I never got to say a word about feeling sick and bleeding. When I got up from the bed, the bleeding was much worse and I felt I needed to go to the hospital. I went downstairs and told Husband about the bleeding and I needed to go to the hospital. Husband didn't want to take me because he didn't want "Perfect" to feel rejected and have this be her worst birthday ever, so after telling "Perfect" I was sorry but I was having an emergency, I drove myself to the hospital. Late that night when I returned home, the house was locked, the lights were out and everyone was sleeping, even Husband. Now, I was fine, I just had the worst period ever, during a non-period time of my cycle. It's never happened before or after.
So back to Husband and I last night...
I reminded Husband of this story, and asked Husband how he knows "Perfect" thinks about that birthday or that it bothers her. He said it just does. I pushed for an actual answer and he said because she told him it bothers her. I asked him how the conversation went. He said he couldn't remember. Then he changed his mind and said it was probably that she had a look on her face or something and he knew it was because of that birthday. (Seriously? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard) I asked him how he knew and he said he didn't know. Then he changed his mind again and said the "The Witch" told him. Again, I asked how the conversation went and did he explain what actually happened on that birthday? He got really angry and yelled at me all his typical poor Husband sob story excuses, like he can't remember anything, and it's all his fault and he's stupid, blah, blah. I asked him to stop being dramatic and just answer the question. He said he already did.
So, I changed my tactics and asked him if he felt like I did something wrong by having to got to the hospital on her birthday. Was it possible that he might have been able to help "Perfect" understand that it was not her fault, nor my fault, and Husband was being a jerk that day? That "Perfect", at 14 then, was old enough to understand an emergency and we could have postponed the celebration until the next day?
Husband's response was I'm right and it's all his fault. (I hate when he does that.)
I started crying and reminded him it was a hard day for me too. I felt very unloved and had to take care of myself and because he was so concerned about damaging his kids, he couldn't even think about how much it might hurt me. He couldn't even wait up to make sure I was okay.
Husband's response was that I am an adult.
I cried off and on most of the night and all day today. I'm not sure why I am feeling so emotional. Maybe because of all the other issues we are dealing with right now, but somehow his words just hit me in my gut.
I know I am an adult but good grief. I was having massive unexplained bleeding. It wouldn't matter to me what day it was, if someone in the family needs to go to the hospital, that becomes the new priority for me.
It seems to me if "Perfect" is actually still thinking about that day and it bothers her, or The Witch is using it as another reason to hate me, then Husband needs to fix it. I don't feel like I did anything wrong and I shouldn't be continually punished for needing to go to the hospital because it was someone's birthday.
If anything Husband should feel sorry for how much he hurt me as well.
Oh, no I forgot, Husband doesn't say he's sorry.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Random Thoughts
I think the big meeting of adults will be Wednesday. I can feel the strain of it already. My mind is constantly consumed with what to say, how to act, and what not to say and how not to react. I've got a slight headache and a tummy ache.
At times I think it would be better if I simply said nothing, unless directly asked a question. Then I start thinking about how Husband is going to answer questions or explain things and that in itself stresses me out. He's not the best communicator and he doesn't remember details very well. He typically causes more problems then he solves. Which puts it on me to either step in and rescue him and us, or allow him to make a mess of things. I know my personality and I wouldn't be be able to sit there quietly in that circumstance.
I also feel if I do too much of the talking, it's only going to aggravate The Witch. She has no interest in what I think or have to say. I can see that meeting going nowhere fast if I talk too often and while I'd love to see her hang herself, I also want productivity. I desperately need a resolution and I want to be an asset to getting there.
Which leads me to many of the things The Witch has said.
"Everyone was happier before I came along": Life naturally changed when Husband and I got married. There is no logic in thinking that life for the steps should remain unchanged when Husband got married. There is no logic in taking the stance that Husband is a bad parent because he doesn't make his kids happy at every moment and do what they want, when they want, and how they want. And there is no logic in blaming me for these natural life changes.
"The steps don't want me around": I've mulled this one over a lot lately, and what I come up with is that the steps can manipulate their dad when I am not around. Husband knows they do this too but he has the typical dad guilt for not being around more often and gives in even when he knows he shouldn't. It makes sense to me now that the steps wouldn't want me around in order to get their way. Husband needs to change this about himself and be more consistant. He doesn't need me to make his decisions. He needs to grow a pair and be a parent. Maybe the counselor can help him with this individually.
At times I think it would be better if I simply said nothing, unless directly asked a question. Then I start thinking about how Husband is going to answer questions or explain things and that in itself stresses me out. He's not the best communicator and he doesn't remember details very well. He typically causes more problems then he solves. Which puts it on me to either step in and rescue him and us, or allow him to make a mess of things. I know my personality and I wouldn't be be able to sit there quietly in that circumstance.
I also feel if I do too much of the talking, it's only going to aggravate The Witch. She has no interest in what I think or have to say. I can see that meeting going nowhere fast if I talk too often and while I'd love to see her hang herself, I also want productivity. I desperately need a resolution and I want to be an asset to getting there.
Which leads me to many of the things The Witch has said.
"Everyone was happier before I came along": Life naturally changed when Husband and I got married. There is no logic in thinking that life for the steps should remain unchanged when Husband got married. There is no logic in taking the stance that Husband is a bad parent because he doesn't make his kids happy at every moment and do what they want, when they want, and how they want. And there is no logic in blaming me for these natural life changes.
"The steps don't want me around": I've mulled this one over a lot lately, and what I come up with is that the steps can manipulate their dad when I am not around. Husband knows they do this too but he has the typical dad guilt for not being around more often and gives in even when he knows he shouldn't. It makes sense to me now that the steps wouldn't want me around in order to get their way. Husband needs to change this about himself and be more consistant. He doesn't need me to make his decisions. He needs to grow a pair and be a parent. Maybe the counselor can help him with this individually.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Blogged Too Soon
So my last post was sent in haste. Well, I didn't know that at the time.
The counselor sent a last chance email to everyone. He stated that he felt the only way to proceed with helping the situation was for the adults to come together. And The Witch responded that she would come and bring her husband with her. She also said that she wanted Husband to bring that note Trouble wrote. -- oh please, like it matters what demands the child has. Like it's mandatory that we buy him expensive dinners out on the town. Anyway...
I'm very happy she is actually going to come and meet with us. I'm terrified that she is going to rip into me and even more scared of my reaction to that.
Now I need suggestions I think you guys can help me with. What do I do when The Witch starts acting like a witch and I get angry feelings? How do you all deal with that in a way that is constructive? Specifically when dealing face to face with your husband's ex? I'm ready to tune her out, smile and say nothing, bite my lip, twist up a paper in my hand... whatever it takes to get through it and let the counselor work things out. What do you suggest? I'm all ears.
The counselor sent a last chance email to everyone. He stated that he felt the only way to proceed with helping the situation was for the adults to come together. And The Witch responded that she would come and bring her husband with her. She also said that she wanted Husband to bring that note Trouble wrote. -- oh please, like it matters what demands the child has. Like it's mandatory that we buy him expensive dinners out on the town. Anyway...
I'm very happy she is actually going to come and meet with us. I'm terrified that she is going to rip into me and even more scared of my reaction to that.
Now I need suggestions I think you guys can help me with. What do I do when The Witch starts acting like a witch and I get angry feelings? How do you all deal with that in a way that is constructive? Specifically when dealing face to face with your husband's ex? I'm ready to tune her out, smile and say nothing, bite my lip, twist up a paper in my hand... whatever it takes to get through it and let the counselor work things out. What do you suggest? I'm all ears.
I don't know what to do
I think Husband and I are finally at a stand still. I don't know what to do and I feel terrible about what is going to happen to Husband and Trouble's relationship if I can't figure out how to fix it. I know that sounds impossible, but isn't there something I can do?
Yesterday The Witch gave Husband a letter from Trouble and a parenting book. I read the letter today and it's filled with what I would have expected from Trouble. Here are his complaints:
He doesn't like our yelling.
He doesn't want us to take away his Ipod or phone.
He wants to go hang out at the mall with his friends.
He doesn't want to go to church.
He doesn't want to help with dishes, mowing the lawn or other chores.
He wants to spend time with just his dad and sister.
He wants his dad to take him to do more fun things on the weekend.
He wants us to spend more money on eating out.
He wants to do the same things as "Perfect".
Here is what I have concluded from this letter and from the book... The Witch thinks we are bad parents because of Trouble's complaints and that we need to give into Trouble's requests. The Witch is NOT going to speak to the counselor and she will not work with us directly.
I simply don't know where to go from here. We can go over each of these things with Trouble and the counselor but as long as The Witch continues to think we are unfair, what good will that really do? As long as Trouble has a mom who tells him that we aren't fair to him, he's not going to change at all. Why would he? The Witch obviously does all of these things for her son, and that works for her, however, she obviously doesn't respect that we are different and do things different. Somehow different, is wrong in her mind. Being more strict or more structured is wrong to her as well.
We talked to the counselor today and he confirmed that without The Witch's willingness to work through this in some form or fashion, we are at a stalemate. Working with Trouble directly will not solve anything. He also confirmed that we can't give into the demands of the children either. And sadly he also confirmed that with the way things are going, a side effect could be that Trouble will grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him.
I'm so sad and disappointed. I wish there was something else we could do. I want to find the golden nugget that fixes things. I have a terrible feeling that Trouble will be estranged from us for the rest of our lives and I worry that Husband is going to resent me.
Yesterday The Witch gave Husband a letter from Trouble and a parenting book. I read the letter today and it's filled with what I would have expected from Trouble. Here are his complaints:
He doesn't like our yelling.
He doesn't want us to take away his Ipod or phone.
He wants to go hang out at the mall with his friends.
He doesn't want to go to church.
He doesn't want to help with dishes, mowing the lawn or other chores.
He wants to spend time with just his dad and sister.
He wants his dad to take him to do more fun things on the weekend.
He wants us to spend more money on eating out.
He wants to do the same things as "Perfect".
Here is what I have concluded from this letter and from the book... The Witch thinks we are bad parents because of Trouble's complaints and that we need to give into Trouble's requests. The Witch is NOT going to speak to the counselor and she will not work with us directly.
I simply don't know where to go from here. We can go over each of these things with Trouble and the counselor but as long as The Witch continues to think we are unfair, what good will that really do? As long as Trouble has a mom who tells him that we aren't fair to him, he's not going to change at all. Why would he? The Witch obviously does all of these things for her son, and that works for her, however, she obviously doesn't respect that we are different and do things different. Somehow different, is wrong in her mind. Being more strict or more structured is wrong to her as well.
We talked to the counselor today and he confirmed that without The Witch's willingness to work through this in some form or fashion, we are at a stalemate. Working with Trouble directly will not solve anything. He also confirmed that we can't give into the demands of the children either. And sadly he also confirmed that with the way things are going, a side effect could be that Trouble will grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him.
I'm so sad and disappointed. I wish there was something else we could do. I want to find the golden nugget that fixes things. I have a terrible feeling that Trouble will be estranged from us for the rest of our lives and I worry that Husband is going to resent me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Witch's Email Made me Smile
Soccer Boy and Trouble's soccer coach has been trying to keep the team together for this spring season of indoor soccer. Normally we would all be playing outdoor soccer this time of year but our coach decided he wants to continue to play indoor instead. Soccer Boy wanted to do both indoor and outdoor but made the decision to stay with his team and play indoor only. However, Trouble kept saying that he "didn't feel like" playing soccer anymore. The boy is really good and has been a great asset to the team. He likes to play and he needs positive recreation. Plus, I went to a lot of effort to get him on our team this last season and I really wanted to see him continue. I realize that is the least good reason, but for once I can actually place my name on something good when it comes to Trouble.
Before we got to the game on Monday I asked Soccer Boy to try and talk to Trouble about playing with the team again. I also saw the coach's son talking to Trouble after the game and the coach talking to The Witch and her husband.(I guess he needs a name too but since the guy has never made an appearance in my life I never thought I'd ever be writing about him)
So, yesterday I saw an email from The Witch to the coach and she said that Trouble wants to keep playing with the team. Yeah!
Before we got to the game on Monday I asked Soccer Boy to try and talk to Trouble about playing with the team again. I also saw the coach's son talking to Trouble after the game and the coach talking to The Witch and her husband.(I guess he needs a name too but since the guy has never made an appearance in my life I never thought I'd ever be writing about him)
So, yesterday I saw an email from The Witch to the coach and she said that Trouble wants to keep playing with the team. Yeah!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
He does exist
Last night Soccer Boy and Trouble had a soccer game. It's typical for The Witch to bring Trouble, and occassionally she will bring her other son, the one she has with her current husband. However, last night is one for the records.
I haven't seen her husband in real life. EVER. In over five years. That's right. Not ever. In fact when she was pregnant with that other son,I used to tease Husband that she must have had sex with a ghost because her husband doesn't exist.
But last night The Witch brought the entire family to watch the game, including the mysterious husband of hers. Of course none of them spoke to us or acknowledged our presence, but I did see the guy in the flesh finally.
I really wondered if the man ever did anything with his family at all. I guess every 5 years or so he makes an appearance.
On another note...
Husband asked "Perfect" over the weekend, to come to the game. He told her that the games are a lot of fun and she should come to see the boys play. So "Perfect" came to the game, but even she ignored her dad completely.
After the game was over, Husband tried to talk to Trouble, tell him good game and all of that, but Trouble couldn't walk fast enough away from his dad. Neither of Husband's kids said a word to him, or even looked at him. Isn't that sad? I don't get it.
The X's sister came to the game, which is typical, and Baby Boy left us to go sit with her. Had he not gone on his own, I would have said "Your aunt is here. Go say hi." After the game Soccer Boy spent 10 minutes talking to his aunt as well. I even talked to her for a minute.
I don't get my Husband's situation but I sure feel bad for him.
I haven't seen her husband in real life. EVER. In over five years. That's right. Not ever. In fact when she was pregnant with that other son,I used to tease Husband that she must have had sex with a ghost because her husband doesn't exist.
But last night The Witch brought the entire family to watch the game, including the mysterious husband of hers. Of course none of them spoke to us or acknowledged our presence, but I did see the guy in the flesh finally.
I really wondered if the man ever did anything with his family at all. I guess every 5 years or so he makes an appearance.
On another note...
Husband asked "Perfect" over the weekend, to come to the game. He told her that the games are a lot of fun and she should come to see the boys play. So "Perfect" came to the game, but even she ignored her dad completely.
After the game was over, Husband tried to talk to Trouble, tell him good game and all of that, but Trouble couldn't walk fast enough away from his dad. Neither of Husband's kids said a word to him, or even looked at him. Isn't that sad? I don't get it.
The X's sister came to the game, which is typical, and Baby Boy left us to go sit with her. Had he not gone on his own, I would have said "Your aunt is here. Go say hi." After the game Soccer Boy spent 10 minutes talking to his aunt as well. I even talked to her for a minute.
I don't get my Husband's situation but I sure feel bad for him.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
More on the Counselor Emails
Husband and I decided to respond with dignity and maturity to The Witch's email, and copy the counselor of course. This is the email written from the voice of Husband, but we wrote it mutually together.
"I feel that there is a great misperception about my wife and things that have happened here in our home. It is because of these misperceptions that I feel we need to meet together as adults who care about Trouble and who want what is best for him. This includes my wife.
I would like to address some of those misperceptions here and would hope to further this conversation in person with the counselor.
Stepped and I have both come to understand recently that Trouble has misinterpreted what we mean when we say this is our house. We are the adults who have the ultimate say in what goes on in our home. There has been a lot of dictation on Trouble's part as to what he thinks he should be able to do and has not respected our feelings in the matter. Because this is our home, and we have our own needs and wants and have to account for the needs and wants of all five of our children, the decisions made are up to our digression. This does not mean that the children are not welcome here or have a place in our home or our lives. We would like to have a discussion with Trouble on this subject as well.
There have been a handful of times over the last 4 and a half years where the words damn or hell have been used either toward or in front of the children. I believe this issue has been exaggerated.
The yelling has certainly increased over the last several months, as Trouble's disrespect has increased. Stepped is typically backing me up in the instances where Trouble has disregarded what I am saying to him. She does have an expectation that all the children are to be respectful to the adults and it does result in anger and yelling when they are not. We would like to minimize the conflicts, and come to a more positive approach but that can only take place if there is respect between all parties.
No one is more aware of Stepped's mistakes then she is. However, she deserves to be forgiven, as we all deserve forgiveness and we need to try to move forward.
We agree with the counselor's recommendation to have a discussion together to get past the misperceptions and talk about our differences so that we can be unified on behalf of the children. We are not asking for friendships nor would we think that is even reasonable, but we do mutually share 2 children between us and they need us all to work together for them. I feel that if we are united in purpose and respect one another, even if we disagree on the specifics, that the kids will be benefitted greatly. Then we can start to heal the relationship with Trouble, Stepped and I, and can move forward with having a discussion with him directly."
The Witch was totally ticked off and called Husband on the phone last night. She wasn't mad because of our email but because we replied including the counselor. She was mad that we included her email and she was still insisting that I'm the only problem and it has nothing to do with her. She doesn't think she needs to talk to the counselor at all. After about two minutes of her complaining at Husband, I gave him the "cut it off" sign and he said "I need to go" and hung up on her. I actually busted out laughing. It's not that it's really funny but she just acts so typical and predictable. I told Husband that if she tries to talk to him about this over the phone again, that he needs to say "Hold that thought. I need to get my recorder so I can record this conversation." I'm sure she will hang up at that point, but if not, we actually do have a device to record cell phone conversations which he can use.
We feel that this is most likely the end of counseling unless the counselor can calm her down and help her to see that it's in her sons' best interest for her to be more mature, respectful and cooperative. However, if she does try to take us to court, I think we have a good foundation to show that we have been respectful and willing to work with the counselor to help Trouble. I'm sure she will end up looking like an idiot and my guess would be the judge will tell her she needs to continue the counseling and be more cooperative. If she has a lawyer with any sense, the lawyer would tell her to do the same and save us all the headache of court.
As a side note, Husband invited Trouble to watch a movie with ALL of us yesterday and Trouble came with us. He didn't exactly talk to me directly, but when Soccer Boy was talking about their last soccer game on the drive, it was a group conversation and went well. It's not major, but it does show that The Witch was wrong (again) because it's not that Trouble doesn't want to be around me at all, like she said, but that he doesn't want to come over here and have to follow our rules. *sigh* She keeps saying that Husband doesn't get it but she is the one who is totally delusional. It's like a lot of you are saying, she is making this all into what she wants it to be and twisting things in order to suit her purposes. I don't like her either but she's still their mom, I respect that and I care enough about the kids to do things that might be uncomfortable for me in order to help them.
I doubt this is the end of the drama.
PS We actually do have fun around here too. We had a nice family Super Bowl party, with the family members who were home today. I'm stuffed from all the food!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Responses to Counselor Email
Reponse from Husband and I to the Counselor and The Witch (since we were asked to include everyone in counselor emails)
"Stepped and I (Husband) are ready and willing to meet with you and The Witch to discuss how to more effectively co-parent. Our specific thoughts for the discussion would be to:
*go over our household rules so there is no ambiguity
*gain a clearer understanding of The Witch's household rules
*come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's household rules, even those that differ
*create unity for the children, all parents working together in the kids best interest
We are available to meet next week in the evenings after 4:30. Or the following week from Wednesday on we are open anytime."
Reponse from The Witch sent only to Husband:
"Husband,
you are missing the problem. the problem is not in my household or about rules. the problem is with Stepped. Trouble does not want
to be around her at all. has nothing to do with his dislike for the rules. until you understand that there is little point talking about co-parenting. which I do not attend to do with her. I will coparent with you which I feel has been great, but not with Stepped. how can you talk about coparenting with someone who tells both my children all the time that your house is not theirs, yells and cusses all the time and then be involved in church activities. I will not be be involved with someone like that. I don't need that in my life or my kids life. I am willing to talk with you and discuss our children but that's it. I still think the goal for FAMILY therapy is to get Trouble involved and
talk to him about his problems. This is supposed to be about him, not my household."
So, there you have it. Did I predict this right or what?! Her view of me is so totally skewed I don't even know what to say really. Her discription of me sounds like a stranger because that is certainly not accurate.
We forwarded her message to the counselor and hope that maybe he can help but I doubt it. The Witch is the witch.
I have a question. Is it natural for me to now feel like I don't even want to be around "Perfect" either? If she too is telling her mom that I yell and cuss all the time and so on, what would be her reason for telling those lies? I get why Trouble is doing it, he's trying to get his mom on his side to hate me, but I've never been under the impression that "Perfect" also felt that way. I always thought she at least respected me and that we got along for the most part. I really didn't know that she too disliked me. That really makes me feel bad.
"Stepped and I (Husband) are ready and willing to meet with you and The Witch to discuss how to more effectively co-parent. Our specific thoughts for the discussion would be to:
*go over our household rules so there is no ambiguity
*gain a clearer understanding of The Witch's household rules
*come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's household rules, even those that differ
*create unity for the children, all parents working together in the kids best interest
We are available to meet next week in the evenings after 4:30. Or the following week from Wednesday on we are open anytime."
Reponse from The Witch sent only to Husband:
"Husband,
you are missing the problem. the problem is not in my household or about rules. the problem is with Stepped. Trouble does not want
to be around her at all. has nothing to do with his dislike for the rules. until you understand that there is little point talking about co-parenting. which I do not attend to do with her. I will coparent with you which I feel has been great, but not with Stepped. how can you talk about coparenting with someone who tells both my children all the time that your house is not theirs, yells and cusses all the time and then be involved in church activities. I will not be be involved with someone like that. I don't need that in my life or my kids life. I am willing to talk with you and discuss our children but that's it. I still think the goal for FAMILY therapy is to get Trouble involved and
talk to him about his problems. This is supposed to be about him, not my household."
So, there you have it. Did I predict this right or what?! Her view of me is so totally skewed I don't even know what to say really. Her discription of me sounds like a stranger because that is certainly not accurate.
We forwarded her message to the counselor and hope that maybe he can help but I doubt it. The Witch is the witch.
I have a question. Is it natural for me to now feel like I don't even want to be around "Perfect" either? If she too is telling her mom that I yell and cuss all the time and so on, what would be her reason for telling those lies? I get why Trouble is doing it, he's trying to get his mom on his side to hate me, but I've never been under the impression that "Perfect" also felt that way. I always thought she at least respected me and that we got along for the most part. I really didn't know that she too disliked me. That really makes me feel bad.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Laugh Out Loud!
We received the counselor's email today and after reading it, all I can do is to laugh out loud.
A little background, about 6 months ago:
The first time Trouble "ran away" from our house, was because Husband tried to take his phone away as a means of grounding him for his bad behavior that day. Trouble would not give Husband the phone and he left the house and hid somewhere to call his mom. The Witch called Husband after she talked to Trouble and it was my suggestion that after The Witch picked up Trouble, that she bring him back to our house and all of us adults go somewhere, like Wendy's or Starbucks, and talk about things that have been going on and to get a game plan together to help Trouble.
The Witch totally freaked out. She didn't want to have anything to do with talking to me or being around me at all. She made it clear to Husband that I am not part of this and it was just between them.
The Witch picked up Trouble and took him back to her house.
I tried emailing The Witch instead, not about this issue, but about other things that came up afterward. I was polite and stated my feelings on things that were happening and that I was concerned about Trouble.
The Witch chewed me up and spit me out. She would have nothing to do with me. She insulted me, complained to Husband and on and on.
I figured it wasn't worth trying to talk to her anymore, so I let it go after about three emailed attempts to work with her.
So today's email:
Guess what the counselor suggested?
"The most direct manner would be for all adults to meet for a respectful discussion of opinion so we can begin re-structuring the parental level"
LOL!!! Really? He suggested exactly what I tried to do 6 months prior!!!
The Witch is going to be so mad. I'm telling you. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm sure Husband is going to get an earful from her today. Poor guy.
A little background, about 6 months ago:
The first time Trouble "ran away" from our house, was because Husband tried to take his phone away as a means of grounding him for his bad behavior that day. Trouble would not give Husband the phone and he left the house and hid somewhere to call his mom. The Witch called Husband after she talked to Trouble and it was my suggestion that after The Witch picked up Trouble, that she bring him back to our house and all of us adults go somewhere, like Wendy's or Starbucks, and talk about things that have been going on and to get a game plan together to help Trouble.
The Witch totally freaked out. She didn't want to have anything to do with talking to me or being around me at all. She made it clear to Husband that I am not part of this and it was just between them.
The Witch picked up Trouble and took him back to her house.
I tried emailing The Witch instead, not about this issue, but about other things that came up afterward. I was polite and stated my feelings on things that were happening and that I was concerned about Trouble.
The Witch chewed me up and spit me out. She would have nothing to do with me. She insulted me, complained to Husband and on and on.
I figured it wasn't worth trying to talk to her anymore, so I let it go after about three emailed attempts to work with her.
So today's email:
Guess what the counselor suggested?
"The most direct manner would be for all adults to meet for a respectful discussion of opinion so we can begin re-structuring the parental level"
LOL!!! Really? He suggested exactly what I tried to do 6 months prior!!!
The Witch is going to be so mad. I'm telling you. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm sure Husband is going to get an earful from her today. Poor guy.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Ha, ha, HA!
I'm totally in the mood for gloating. It's probably the only time I'm going to feel good about counselling, so I might as well enjoy it now!
The counselor told us today that Trouble needs private sessions so that Trouble can come to terms with whatever it is that is causing his anger. It's the counselors plan to meet with Trouble as soon as possible, tonight even if The Witch is willing to bring him over.
The counselor also said that ALL the parents need to be on the same page and need to stop placing the blame on one person. Specifically me because it's not all one persons fault. Yes, he totally said that!!
The new plan... The counselor is going to send an email to both The Witch and Husband outlining co-parenting and the importance for treating all parents as equals, including stepparents. That when the children come home with stories, the adults need to talk together so there is no more hearsay and guessing. That ALL parents need to be invovled when there are problems. That it's okay to disagree with the other parent, but that we each respect one another's position whether there is agreement or not.
The Witch is going to be spitting fire, steam out of her ears, cussing and hitting walls MAD when she gets that email. She wants it to be all me sooooo badly. So, HA, HA, Ha, HA, ha, ha. I win!
Actually, I hope with all my heart that The Witch will listen to the counselor and start helping Trouble to get past all his anger so we can all be happy. I really hope that even if she is mad about having to work with me (Oh, I just love that!) that she will still take Trouble to the counselor.
You know what makes me want to gloat the most? I've been saying this exact stuff for over a year now. I KNEW that we needed to come together as parents and get united FOR the children. I even tried to start dialog with The Witch this summer but her reponse was that she didn't have to talk to me, and she didn't care what I had to say. So, in your face Witch. I was RIGHT!
Okay, I think I am done now. I'll let you all know the reaction to the email.
The counselor told us today that Trouble needs private sessions so that Trouble can come to terms with whatever it is that is causing his anger. It's the counselors plan to meet with Trouble as soon as possible, tonight even if The Witch is willing to bring him over.
The counselor also said that ALL the parents need to be on the same page and need to stop placing the blame on one person. Specifically me because it's not all one persons fault. Yes, he totally said that!!
The new plan... The counselor is going to send an email to both The Witch and Husband outlining co-parenting and the importance for treating all parents as equals, including stepparents. That when the children come home with stories, the adults need to talk together so there is no more hearsay and guessing. That ALL parents need to be invovled when there are problems. That it's okay to disagree with the other parent, but that we each respect one another's position whether there is agreement or not.
The Witch is going to be spitting fire, steam out of her ears, cussing and hitting walls MAD when she gets that email. She wants it to be all me sooooo badly. So, HA, HA, Ha, HA, ha, ha. I win!
Actually, I hope with all my heart that The Witch will listen to the counselor and start helping Trouble to get past all his anger so we can all be happy. I really hope that even if she is mad about having to work with me (Oh, I just love that!) that she will still take Trouble to the counselor.
You know what makes me want to gloat the most? I've been saying this exact stuff for over a year now. I KNEW that we needed to come together as parents and get united FOR the children. I even tried to start dialog with The Witch this summer but her reponse was that she didn't have to talk to me, and she didn't care what I had to say. So, in your face Witch. I was RIGHT!
Okay, I think I am done now. I'll let you all know the reaction to the email.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Home Again
We all stayed home again today. I actually think we have the flu which explains why I have been so down lately. Not that all this mess wouldn't have made me depressed anyway.
I think we are all feeling better this afternoon. I went to the store early this morning and bought all the typical flu items, like popsicles, chicken soup, juice, gatorade and bread. Our tummies seem to be settling down.
I hope after another good night's sleep we can get up on time and the kids can go back to school. We have our counselor appointment tomorrow as well, so I sure want to be feeling up to that.
I think we are all feeling better this afternoon. I went to the store early this morning and bought all the typical flu items, like popsicles, chicken soup, juice, gatorade and bread. Our tummies seem to be settling down.
I hope after another good night's sleep we can get up on time and the kids can go back to school. We have our counselor appointment tomorrow as well, so I sure want to be feeling up to that.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Tired
Not much to say today.
This morning I didn't get out of bed so the three boys got to stay home from school. I think that was a good thing because we are all having flu symptoms. Yuck!
Husband made the appointment for just us to speak to the counselor this week.
I feel really drained. All this stuff is taking an emotional toll on me. I appreciate all of your encouragement. It helps me to get through the day.
This morning I didn't get out of bed so the three boys got to stay home from school. I think that was a good thing because we are all having flu symptoms. Yuck!
Husband made the appointment for just us to speak to the counselor this week.
I feel really drained. All this stuff is taking an emotional toll on me. I appreciate all of your encouragement. It helps me to get through the day.
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