After Husband came home from spending time with Trouble a last night, we had a short but meaningful talk about why all of this is continuing and whether or not we felt there was anything more we could do about it. I had an epiphany, which I shared with Husband, which stems from this question: What are Trouble/The Witch/Husband and Stepped gaining from all of this? I remember Dr. Phil asking people that question on his show. He always wanted them to think about what their payoff was for whatever their issue was at the time.
Stepped: Control of my house. The adults run the show again and life is functioning much better.
Husband: Nothing. He is miserable.
The Witch: Validation that we are terrible, and she is a fabulous mother. Control over Husband.
Trouble: Constant attention from his mom.
He is the middle child, who is typically left out. The oldest is a girl, so mom does girl things with her very regularly, and the youngest is only two, so his basic needs warrant a lot of attention. Trouble... he rarely received any attention.
Husband and I used to talk about that and worried about him because his mom neglected him, even if she didn't mean to and I'm not saying that she did. I'm sure she never even noticed.
Now, The Witch talks to him every day about how he feels and if he's okay. She's been taking nightly walks with him around the neighborhood. She even got him into tutoring. (It's about time! The boy is 14 and still can't read. Hello. That is not normal. We've tried to work with her on this before, but that is another discussion.) They have been watching movies together regularly. She's been taking all of her kids out to do activities, where she only dropped off "Perfect" and Trouble in the past for them to do their own thing. They hang out now and are "buddies".
When he was acting up here, causing all kinds of problems, running away and playing an innocent victim, he got him mom's undivided attention. She came to his rescue each and every time. But it didn't stop there. She would sit with him and talk to him once they were home. Then the next time he came over here, she would call him and text him constantly throughout the day to check on him to make sure he was okay. She worried about him, and focused on him a whole lot more than she did for the first few years of our marriage when she was pregnant and had a newborn.
I wish Husband and I had noticed this before. Trouble needed attention from him mom!!
We thought Trouble was acting out because he wanted to hang with friends and get his way. But he isn't hanging with his friends when he's at his mom's house. And according to The Witch, he has no problem putting away his phone for dinner, when they are doing things as a family or at any time his mom asks him to put it away. He isn't even asking her to do all of the things that he's been fighting with us about. It never made sense to us why Trouble would get explosively angry over the simplest requests.
Now it makes so much more sense. When he has issues with his dad, and especially with me, he gets loads of attention from his mom. If he moves on from all of this drama, he will also be giving up his mom, and he is not going to do that.
Dr. Phil, you are so wise.
Showing posts with label Trouble. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trouble. Show all posts
Friday, March 26, 2010
Family Outing with the Ex
I told Husband to grow a pair and start creating boundaries for the sake of our marriage and for his children. What I said wasn't so nice, and I don't like being the "mean" wife, but it seemed like he needed permission to be a man, so I gave it to him.
At first, Husband's reaction was "But I can't", meaning he can't tell The Witch no, which sounded kind of childish to me. Rather than picking on him anymore than I already had however, I decided to give him some power. I said "Of course you can. You are a smart man who can do anything you want to do. It's in the best interest of your children for you to stop giving into their mom because you don't want to cause friction. There is already friction and it's only getting worse. Tell her nicely and calmly how you feel."
Husband did tell her how he felt, and as luck would have it, it worked. What do you know?! There was no scene or argument. And Husband did NOT go out last night with The Witch. Yeah!
Instead, Husband and Trouble spent about an hour together. From what I can gather, it didn't go great or terrible, somewhere in the middle. It's a start I guess.
At first, Husband's reaction was "But I can't", meaning he can't tell The Witch no, which sounded kind of childish to me. Rather than picking on him anymore than I already had however, I decided to give him some power. I said "Of course you can. You are a smart man who can do anything you want to do. It's in the best interest of your children for you to stop giving into their mom because you don't want to cause friction. There is already friction and it's only getting worse. Tell her nicely and calmly how you feel."
Husband did tell her how he felt, and as luck would have it, it worked. What do you know?! There was no scene or argument. And Husband did NOT go out last night with The Witch. Yeah!
Instead, Husband and Trouble spent about an hour together. From what I can gather, it didn't go great or terrible, somewhere in the middle. It's a start I guess.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Quick Update
Trouble had his appointment with the counselor. We got a two sentence email from the counselor which said "met with the kid and he is going to think about what we talked about". I take that to mean, he didn't like what he was told and that's the end of counseling.
Husband recently asked The Witch about future appointments, and she dodged the question.
The latest from Trouble is that he doesn't want to have a relationship with Husband. I guess that explains the counselor email.
The Witch is currently asking Husband to spend time with her and the kids. She has invited him to several events lately, including her nightly walk around the neighborhood and the circus this weekend. It makes me want to throw things. I thought Husband would tell her no way, but I see today that they are all going on a family outing Thursday night. Of course no one told me about it, I saw it in an email and I'm certainly not invited.
My true feeling is that my husband is stupid, the ex wife a controlling B and they are screwing up their kids by trying to act like a happy family that they aren't, which only makes it harder when the step parents are around because we mess up the happy family events that would have occurred if we just went away and died.
However, I'm trying to convince myself that it's best for the kids if their parents get along, even if it means they go out and do things together where I am not invited. I'm glad they can be around one another without starting a war and maybe it will help Husband to work things out with Trouble.
Still, where the heck do I fit into all of that?
Husband recently asked The Witch about future appointments, and she dodged the question.
The latest from Trouble is that he doesn't want to have a relationship with Husband. I guess that explains the counselor email.
The Witch is currently asking Husband to spend time with her and the kids. She has invited him to several events lately, including her nightly walk around the neighborhood and the circus this weekend. It makes me want to throw things. I thought Husband would tell her no way, but I see today that they are all going on a family outing Thursday night. Of course no one told me about it, I saw it in an email and I'm certainly not invited.
My true feeling is that my husband is stupid, the ex wife a controlling B and they are screwing up their kids by trying to act like a happy family that they aren't, which only makes it harder when the step parents are around because we mess up the happy family events that would have occurred if we just went away and died.
However, I'm trying to convince myself that it's best for the kids if their parents get along, even if it means they go out and do things together where I am not invited. I'm glad they can be around one another without starting a war and maybe it will help Husband to work things out with Trouble.
Still, where the heck do I fit into all of that?
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Last Few Days
Life has been relatively quiet, or maybe more like normal. I'm glad for the break between dealing with my emotions about Trouble. I'm hoping it will give me renewed strength to get through the next phase in mending things.
Friday:
*took a Pilate's class
*had lunch with Baby Boy at school
*Husband and I went to a scout dinner with Baby Boy (the older boys were playing video games and were not interested)
Saturday:
*Husband had to work
*woke up early and got Drama Boy to an all day scout event
*went to Baby Boy's soccer game
*took Baby Boy to see Percy Jackson (Drama Boy has seen it and Soccer Boy didn't feel like going)
*early evening we all watched Soccer Boy at his soccer game. Trouble didn't make it to the game. He told Soccer Boy that night he was sick.
*watched a movie with Drama Boy, Baby Boy and Husband. Soccer Boy talked on the phone all night with a friend. Teenagerdom is upon us.
Sunday:
*up early for church
*Soccer Boy was too "sick" to go
*we were supposed to turn in paperwork for "Perfect" to attend church camp. The Witch takes control of these things and causes Husband all kinds of grief if she doesn't get to be the "good" parent who fills out the forms, even when they are for a church she doesn't attend. She didn't give us any of the forms and they were due yesterday. Would have been so much easier for us to do it.
*went to my aunt's house for dinner, where Soccer Boy had a miraculous recovery
*Soccer Boy announced he cancelled his ref games next Saturday to attend a party. We had an argument about that one. He's grounded from the phone and computer for a month to "get his head on straight". We had a conversation about being responsible and putting school, work and church before socializing. He will spend all of March getting his grades up and doing the things he should have been all along. His response: "You don't love me because you don't want me to have friends."
Today:
Things are going okay. Husband and I have been very affectionate this weekend. We must be feeling more relaxed now that the counseling session with The Witch is behind us. I'm not nearly as nervous to meet with Trouble. I think he is young enough to be open to the counselor, even if it takes more than one session to get there.
Soccer Boy is starting into the same arguments we have had with Trouble. It goes a lot better knowing that he respects us though. And he doesn't get another parent involved to get his way. Soccer Boy seemed more somber this morning. He knows he made a mistake. It's hard to see him struggle but it's for the best. Maybe he will make better choices the next time.
Now I am off to get some cleaning done before picking up kids from school.
Friday:
*took a Pilate's class
*had lunch with Baby Boy at school
*Husband and I went to a scout dinner with Baby Boy (the older boys were playing video games and were not interested)
Saturday:
*Husband had to work
*woke up early and got Drama Boy to an all day scout event
*went to Baby Boy's soccer game
*took Baby Boy to see Percy Jackson (Drama Boy has seen it and Soccer Boy didn't feel like going)
*early evening we all watched Soccer Boy at his soccer game. Trouble didn't make it to the game. He told Soccer Boy that night he was sick.
*watched a movie with Drama Boy, Baby Boy and Husband. Soccer Boy talked on the phone all night with a friend. Teenagerdom is upon us.
Sunday:
*up early for church
*Soccer Boy was too "sick" to go
*we were supposed to turn in paperwork for "Perfect" to attend church camp. The Witch takes control of these things and causes Husband all kinds of grief if she doesn't get to be the "good" parent who fills out the forms, even when they are for a church she doesn't attend. She didn't give us any of the forms and they were due yesterday. Would have been so much easier for us to do it.
*went to my aunt's house for dinner, where Soccer Boy had a miraculous recovery
*Soccer Boy announced he cancelled his ref games next Saturday to attend a party. We had an argument about that one. He's grounded from the phone and computer for a month to "get his head on straight". We had a conversation about being responsible and putting school, work and church before socializing. He will spend all of March getting his grades up and doing the things he should have been all along. His response: "You don't love me because you don't want me to have friends."
Today:
Things are going okay. Husband and I have been very affectionate this weekend. We must be feeling more relaxed now that the counseling session with The Witch is behind us. I'm not nearly as nervous to meet with Trouble. I think he is young enough to be open to the counselor, even if it takes more than one session to get there.
Soccer Boy is starting into the same arguments we have had with Trouble. It goes a lot better knowing that he respects us though. And he doesn't get another parent involved to get his way. Soccer Boy seemed more somber this morning. He knows he made a mistake. It's hard to see him struggle but it's for the best. Maybe he will make better choices the next time.
Now I am off to get some cleaning done before picking up kids from school.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Counseling Details – The Juicy Stuff
So, I made it through the session. I did better than I thought I would actually. However, I probably did talk a little more than I should have. But I was calm and respectful the whole time.
The Witch cannot say the same. She obviously is not a yeller, so her voice was not raised but she was highly judgmental and argumentative. She did not listen to anything the counselor had to say at all. Her husband never spoke a single word. It was like he wasn't even there.
Not that this has anything to do with the session, but now that I've seen this guy up close, I have no clue what she left my husband for. I guess he makes more money and he is taller, but my husband is so attractive and hers… he's okay but not so much.
Husband did GREAT! I was totally proud of him and he said some things to her that needed to be said. Yet, he did it with a lot of class.
I wish I could remember everything but basically it started with the counselor talking about what he has observed from the two sessions and the email exchanges. He went over what he thought would be helpful for our situation, being that the adults need to come together and support each other's household, respect the differences and make the transitions as easy as possible between homes. Husband was the first to talk and said yes he agrees with what the counselor was saying. The Witch said she wasn't sure.
The Witch went into how Trouble is perfect at her house and they have no issues so the problems are all with Husband and mostly with me. (Big shock right?) That she is doing everything possible to help Trouble to spend more time with his dad and he doesn't want to come to the house anymore because of me.
Husband explained about some of the events leading up to Trouble not wanting to come over and explained how Trouble is using the two parents against one another to get what he wants because he figured out how he can.
The Witch said that she believes everything Trouble tells her, and she can't imagine him lying, so if he is saying there are problems, it's because there are.
Husband said Trouble has lied to her about things or exaggerated the truth many times.
The Witch was mad Husband called Trouble a liar and again said she believes what he says and that he would never lie.
Husband said he knows Trouble has lied and "Kids do that".
The counselor was close to laughing. I'm glad he has facial hair to hide behind or his emotions would give him away. The counselor said he doesn't feel arguing will help but Trouble will be biased in retelling of events and we need to be aware of that for future and take time to find out the facts from the other parent.
The Witch would have nothing to do with that at all.
I'm not sure what happened next. I think the counselor asked us about the differences in our homes and why some of those differences are causing issues. Something like that. Husband brought up going to church and how we want him to go with us but he causes huge fights about church.
The counselor asked if it's because of church, Stepped, the rules or doctrine. The Witch said it's because Trouble doesn't believe everything he hears at church but she has always been respectful of church and takes "Perfect" to church and more stuff I don't remember about how wonderful she is about church.
I had a look on my face like "Are you kidding me?"
The Witch said "Stepped do you have something to say?" (really snotty too by the way)
I took a second, since these would be my first words, and looked right at her and said "You don't think positively about church. I know your parents brought you up in this same church and you have been against it since you were 17. We all know you don't like our religion and you have not been supportive of our beliefs." - please note I was polite in my tone and my body language, thank you very much
She said nothing. Yeah me!
The counselor said he would like to talk to Trouble to find out what it is about church he doesn't like and all we can do is to speculate without him there.
The Witch and Husband talked about all kinds of things after this. Mostly arguing but I have to say Husband did not come across as angry or argumentative, even if he was contradicting what she was saying. He did get upset a few times but folded his arms across his chest and said nothing. She was mad though. Things were not going her way and she wasn't happy.
I spoke to The Witch directly a few other times. Once to defend Husband when The Witch said that Husband NEVER does anything with his kids. Husband was quiet so I piped up and listed off all of the things Husband does with his kids when they come to visit. Again, The Witch said nothing.
The counselor said he would talk to Trouble about what "spending time" means to him so he can get more clarification and work from there.
The Witch said I yell at Trouble all of the time and Husband came to my defense and said other than the one time, I am rarely involved and it's usually Husband enforcing rules that Trouble associates with Stepped, like bedtime. So while Trouble is saying he is mad at Stepped, Stepped wasn't the one involved.
I believe The Witch said something like "Oh please"
The next time I spoke was when she started in about the night I slapped Trouble and how she just can't have that. It's not okay to hit your child and I should have left him in the bathroom to cool down rather than barging into the bathroom yelling and hitting.
Obviously I couldn't let that one go, so I explained how I knocked on the door to ask him to come out and come to see a movie with us. I did not slap him until after all three of us were in the hall and he had been yelling in my face, then I did send him to sit on his bed to talk to his dad, and after we still went to see the movie.
The Witch said with eyes rolling "Because the most important thing was the movie."
I said "No. I was fine with Trouble not going to the movie but Husband wanted Trouble to go and I was supporting my husband."
The counselor said what happened that night was not okay but we need to let the past go. Talking about all of the bad things we have done is not helping. He asked us to think of positives on both sides because surely there are good things about everyone.
I don't know where this part was in the conversation but The Witch told Husband she was upset with him for taking Trouble to a birthday party this weekend, instead of spending time with him.
Husband said he did spend time with him and Trouble wanted to go to the party.
The Witch said Husband should have told Trouble no because they needed to spend more time together.
Husband said Trouble could have spent the entire day with him camping but Trouble didn't want to go.
The Witch said she tried to get Trouble to go but Trouble said no and she wasn't going to make him.
LOL -- Did you catch the contradiction?
Husband also said it wasn't up to her what he decides to do with the kids during his time. -- Go Husband!!
We ended the hour with the counselor once again telling The Witch she plays an important role in supporting Husband as Trouble's dad, even if she doesn't agree with the way he parents. He reiterated while we have different styles of parenting and different ideas about what is acceptable and what isn't, the important thing is for the kids to make the switch from one home to the other and respect the rules in each house. The Witch continued to say how it's not about her but only about Husband and me.
The last time I spoke to her I said "It is about you. We are all adults involved in Trouble's life and you need to be involved in this because you are his mother."
She said something like I am involved but kind of under her breath.
The counselor set an appointment for Trouble two weeks from now. The counselor will be talking to Trouble alone. As we walked out the counselor was saying he will try to keep some spots open for the weeks following, in the evenings, so we don't have to wait as long between sessions. The Witch walked right past the counselor, her husband on her heels, not a word to the counselor and bolted down the hallway. Husband and I paused to shake hands with the counselor and told him thank you.
The Witch will never change. I fear if she doesn't work on her little part of all of this, there is really no hope. But maybe the counselor can work miracles with Trouble. I don't totally get why The Witch is so negative. She barely has anything being asked of her. Husband and I are going to be on the hot seat for a long time and I'm sure we will be asked to make a lot of changes. If there was resistance you'd think it would be one of us.
I think Husband and I did the best we could. I probably should have kept my mouth shut a little more, but I also think what I said each time was important. Husband thought I did well.
So there you have it. My dreaded day is past and I got through it without getting mad. Working with Trouble and the counselor will be no fun either but I hope it will make some difference after a few times. I've been warned that counseling gets worse with teenagers before it gets better.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
More on Alone Time
I agree with what you all are saying but Trouble has a sister, "Perfect", so it's not like Trouble is here sharing Husband with me and/or my kids. She is very much part of the visitations too and she is older so he's always had another sibling around. I don't talk about her a lot, as she isn't my biggest concern right now, but still she is here. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that Trouble would spend time with Husband alone. What would "Perfect" do? Stay here with me? Stay with The Witch? Why should she be left out? That isn't right.
It seems like this idea of "alone time" only became an issue as of late. I'm fairly sure it's another way of The Witch trying to make Husband look bad when really it's not very practical. Prior to me being in the picture Husband took both kids with him everywhere and I don't recall there ever being issues with having to share Husband.
However, the idea of taking one kid on an errand so there is alone time, yes, yes, yes. I do this as well and I have encouraged Husband to do the same.
Husband and I talked about this at length today as well, since we have no idea what The Witch is going to bring up and we want to be prepared. We both feel that as long as it's being demanded by the kids or by The Witch, then it's not going to happen. We are not going to be bossed around. Husband and I get to decide what works best for us, and if a time comes where one of us can take a child alone somewhere and no one feels left out, we should, but it's not going to be demanded or written in stone. We go with whatever works for that weekend and with whomever happens to be here at the time.
If it mattered that much for Trouble to spend alone time with Husband, he would have gone on the camp out. It's not about alone time, it's about splitting us up, dividing our fmaily, and that is not an option.
I hope I don't hurt any of your feelings. I really appreciated everything you said. It's been truly helpful for me to talk out my issues here and get your feedback. It helps me to figure out what I really think and feel.
It seems like this idea of "alone time" only became an issue as of late. I'm fairly sure it's another way of The Witch trying to make Husband look bad when really it's not very practical. Prior to me being in the picture Husband took both kids with him everywhere and I don't recall there ever being issues with having to share Husband.
However, the idea of taking one kid on an errand so there is alone time, yes, yes, yes. I do this as well and I have encouraged Husband to do the same.
Husband and I talked about this at length today as well, since we have no idea what The Witch is going to bring up and we want to be prepared. We both feel that as long as it's being demanded by the kids or by The Witch, then it's not going to happen. We are not going to be bossed around. Husband and I get to decide what works best for us, and if a time comes where one of us can take a child alone somewhere and no one feels left out, we should, but it's not going to be demanded or written in stone. We go with whatever works for that weekend and with whomever happens to be here at the time.
If it mattered that much for Trouble to spend alone time with Husband, he would have gone on the camp out. It's not about alone time, it's about splitting us up, dividing our fmaily, and that is not an option.
I hope I don't hurt any of your feelings. I really appreciated everything you said. It's been truly helpful for me to talk out my issues here and get your feedback. It helps me to figure out what I really think and feel.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Husband is having his weekend visitation, but is also a Scout leader for one of the troops in our area. They planned a camp out for Friday night into Saturday and Husband thought Trouble might enjoy going with him. Husband figured Trouble would say no (and in my opinion kind of set himself up for a no, but that's another issue) and suggested that if Trouble did not go camping that he would pick up Trouble and "Perfect" once he got back to spend time with them this evening.
Here is the response from The Witch, and she forwarded this to the counselor for some reason. I guess to make me look bad...
"I asked Trouble about going on the campout Friday and he is not interested in Boy Scouts. I tried talking him into it so you can hang out together just you and him, but he declined. I also talked to him about Saturday evening. He does not want to go to your house or be around Stepped. He said the last saturday visitation that took a lot of persuasion getting him to agree to, he felt uncomfortable being around Stepped. He said he didn't even get to spend any alone time with you at all. I think it would be best if he just spent time with you Saturday night on neutral ground. I don't want him to be with Stepped or at your house until after our meeting with the counselor on Wednesday."
The counselor is going to see that she hates me right? Does it seem obvious to you after reading the things I have posted? I think I am worried the counselor won't see that and actually believe I have done something wrong.
I blogged about that weekend here, you have to skip down to the bottom where I say "On a more positive note..."
For some reason I still feel the need to defend myself and say that we had no intention of bringing him to our house. I don't want him here and probably won't for a long time. I need to feel that both Trouble and The Witch are in a more cooperative and level headed place before I invite him back. As much as she would like it to sound as though she needs to protect Trouble from me, I too feel the need to protect myself from them!
I have one more question about the email above. Does Husband need to spend alone time with Trouble in order for it to count as time with Trouble? I'm confused about the notion that Husband should be alone with Trouble for every visitation. I rarely spend time alone with one of my kids, unless I'm driving them somewhere. X never has alone time with our kids. There is at least two of the three with him and it seems perfectly normal to me for a family of multiple kids to go out and do things as a group. Am I wrong about that? Maybe I feel that way because it seems to work okay with my biological children but it's not actually typical?
Here is the response from The Witch, and she forwarded this to the counselor for some reason. I guess to make me look bad...
"I asked Trouble about going on the campout Friday and he is not interested in Boy Scouts. I tried talking him into it so you can hang out together just you and him, but he declined. I also talked to him about Saturday evening. He does not want to go to your house or be around Stepped. He said the last saturday visitation that took a lot of persuasion getting him to agree to, he felt uncomfortable being around Stepped. He said he didn't even get to spend any alone time with you at all. I think it would be best if he just spent time with you Saturday night on neutral ground. I don't want him to be with Stepped or at your house until after our meeting with the counselor on Wednesday."
The counselor is going to see that she hates me right? Does it seem obvious to you after reading the things I have posted? I think I am worried the counselor won't see that and actually believe I have done something wrong.
I blogged about that weekend here, you have to skip down to the bottom where I say "On a more positive note..."
For some reason I still feel the need to defend myself and say that we had no intention of bringing him to our house. I don't want him here and probably won't for a long time. I need to feel that both Trouble and The Witch are in a more cooperative and level headed place before I invite him back. As much as she would like it to sound as though she needs to protect Trouble from me, I too feel the need to protect myself from them!
I have one more question about the email above. Does Husband need to spend alone time with Trouble in order for it to count as time with Trouble? I'm confused about the notion that Husband should be alone with Trouble for every visitation. I rarely spend time alone with one of my kids, unless I'm driving them somewhere. X never has alone time with our kids. There is at least two of the three with him and it seems perfectly normal to me for a family of multiple kids to go out and do things as a group. Am I wrong about that? Maybe I feel that way because it seems to work okay with my biological children but it's not actually typical?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I don't know what to do
I think Husband and I are finally at a stand still. I don't know what to do and I feel terrible about what is going to happen to Husband and Trouble's relationship if I can't figure out how to fix it. I know that sounds impossible, but isn't there something I can do?
Yesterday The Witch gave Husband a letter from Trouble and a parenting book. I read the letter today and it's filled with what I would have expected from Trouble. Here are his complaints:
He doesn't like our yelling.
He doesn't want us to take away his Ipod or phone.
He wants to go hang out at the mall with his friends.
He doesn't want to go to church.
He doesn't want to help with dishes, mowing the lawn or other chores.
He wants to spend time with just his dad and sister.
He wants his dad to take him to do more fun things on the weekend.
He wants us to spend more money on eating out.
He wants to do the same things as "Perfect".
Here is what I have concluded from this letter and from the book... The Witch thinks we are bad parents because of Trouble's complaints and that we need to give into Trouble's requests. The Witch is NOT going to speak to the counselor and she will not work with us directly.
I simply don't know where to go from here. We can go over each of these things with Trouble and the counselor but as long as The Witch continues to think we are unfair, what good will that really do? As long as Trouble has a mom who tells him that we aren't fair to him, he's not going to change at all. Why would he? The Witch obviously does all of these things for her son, and that works for her, however, she obviously doesn't respect that we are different and do things different. Somehow different, is wrong in her mind. Being more strict or more structured is wrong to her as well.
We talked to the counselor today and he confirmed that without The Witch's willingness to work through this in some form or fashion, we are at a stalemate. Working with Trouble directly will not solve anything. He also confirmed that we can't give into the demands of the children either. And sadly he also confirmed that with the way things are going, a side effect could be that Trouble will grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him.
I'm so sad and disappointed. I wish there was something else we could do. I want to find the golden nugget that fixes things. I have a terrible feeling that Trouble will be estranged from us for the rest of our lives and I worry that Husband is going to resent me.
Yesterday The Witch gave Husband a letter from Trouble and a parenting book. I read the letter today and it's filled with what I would have expected from Trouble. Here are his complaints:
He doesn't like our yelling.
He doesn't want us to take away his Ipod or phone.
He wants to go hang out at the mall with his friends.
He doesn't want to go to church.
He doesn't want to help with dishes, mowing the lawn or other chores.
He wants to spend time with just his dad and sister.
He wants his dad to take him to do more fun things on the weekend.
He wants us to spend more money on eating out.
He wants to do the same things as "Perfect".
Here is what I have concluded from this letter and from the book... The Witch thinks we are bad parents because of Trouble's complaints and that we need to give into Trouble's requests. The Witch is NOT going to speak to the counselor and she will not work with us directly.
I simply don't know where to go from here. We can go over each of these things with Trouble and the counselor but as long as The Witch continues to think we are unfair, what good will that really do? As long as Trouble has a mom who tells him that we aren't fair to him, he's not going to change at all. Why would he? The Witch obviously does all of these things for her son, and that works for her, however, she obviously doesn't respect that we are different and do things different. Somehow different, is wrong in her mind. Being more strict or more structured is wrong to her as well.
We talked to the counselor today and he confirmed that without The Witch's willingness to work through this in some form or fashion, we are at a stalemate. Working with Trouble directly will not solve anything. He also confirmed that we can't give into the demands of the children either. And sadly he also confirmed that with the way things are going, a side effect could be that Trouble will grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him.
I'm so sad and disappointed. I wish there was something else we could do. I want to find the golden nugget that fixes things. I have a terrible feeling that Trouble will be estranged from us for the rest of our lives and I worry that Husband is going to resent me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Witch's Email Made me Smile
Soccer Boy and Trouble's soccer coach has been trying to keep the team together for this spring season of indoor soccer. Normally we would all be playing outdoor soccer this time of year but our coach decided he wants to continue to play indoor instead. Soccer Boy wanted to do both indoor and outdoor but made the decision to stay with his team and play indoor only. However, Trouble kept saying that he "didn't feel like" playing soccer anymore. The boy is really good and has been a great asset to the team. He likes to play and he needs positive recreation. Plus, I went to a lot of effort to get him on our team this last season and I really wanted to see him continue. I realize that is the least good reason, but for once I can actually place my name on something good when it comes to Trouble.
Before we got to the game on Monday I asked Soccer Boy to try and talk to Trouble about playing with the team again. I also saw the coach's son talking to Trouble after the game and the coach talking to The Witch and her husband.(I guess he needs a name too but since the guy has never made an appearance in my life I never thought I'd ever be writing about him)
So, yesterday I saw an email from The Witch to the coach and she said that Trouble wants to keep playing with the team. Yeah!
Before we got to the game on Monday I asked Soccer Boy to try and talk to Trouble about playing with the team again. I also saw the coach's son talking to Trouble after the game and the coach talking to The Witch and her husband.(I guess he needs a name too but since the guy has never made an appearance in my life I never thought I'd ever be writing about him)
So, yesterday I saw an email from The Witch to the coach and she said that Trouble wants to keep playing with the team. Yeah!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Responses to Counselor Email
Reponse from Husband and I to the Counselor and The Witch (since we were asked to include everyone in counselor emails)
"Stepped and I (Husband) are ready and willing to meet with you and The Witch to discuss how to more effectively co-parent. Our specific thoughts for the discussion would be to:
*go over our household rules so there is no ambiguity
*gain a clearer understanding of The Witch's household rules
*come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's household rules, even those that differ
*create unity for the children, all parents working together in the kids best interest
We are available to meet next week in the evenings after 4:30. Or the following week from Wednesday on we are open anytime."
Reponse from The Witch sent only to Husband:
"Husband,
you are missing the problem. the problem is not in my household or about rules. the problem is with Stepped. Trouble does not want
to be around her at all. has nothing to do with his dislike for the rules. until you understand that there is little point talking about co-parenting. which I do not attend to do with her. I will coparent with you which I feel has been great, but not with Stepped. how can you talk about coparenting with someone who tells both my children all the time that your house is not theirs, yells and cusses all the time and then be involved in church activities. I will not be be involved with someone like that. I don't need that in my life or my kids life. I am willing to talk with you and discuss our children but that's it. I still think the goal for FAMILY therapy is to get Trouble involved and
talk to him about his problems. This is supposed to be about him, not my household."
So, there you have it. Did I predict this right or what?! Her view of me is so totally skewed I don't even know what to say really. Her discription of me sounds like a stranger because that is certainly not accurate.
We forwarded her message to the counselor and hope that maybe he can help but I doubt it. The Witch is the witch.
I have a question. Is it natural for me to now feel like I don't even want to be around "Perfect" either? If she too is telling her mom that I yell and cuss all the time and so on, what would be her reason for telling those lies? I get why Trouble is doing it, he's trying to get his mom on his side to hate me, but I've never been under the impression that "Perfect" also felt that way. I always thought she at least respected me and that we got along for the most part. I really didn't know that she too disliked me. That really makes me feel bad.
"Stepped and I (Husband) are ready and willing to meet with you and The Witch to discuss how to more effectively co-parent. Our specific thoughts for the discussion would be to:
*go over our household rules so there is no ambiguity
*gain a clearer understanding of The Witch's household rules
*come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's household rules, even those that differ
*create unity for the children, all parents working together in the kids best interest
We are available to meet next week in the evenings after 4:30. Or the following week from Wednesday on we are open anytime."
Reponse from The Witch sent only to Husband:
"Husband,
you are missing the problem. the problem is not in my household or about rules. the problem is with Stepped. Trouble does not want
to be around her at all. has nothing to do with his dislike for the rules. until you understand that there is little point talking about co-parenting. which I do not attend to do with her. I will coparent with you which I feel has been great, but not with Stepped. how can you talk about coparenting with someone who tells both my children all the time that your house is not theirs, yells and cusses all the time and then be involved in church activities. I will not be be involved with someone like that. I don't need that in my life or my kids life. I am willing to talk with you and discuss our children but that's it. I still think the goal for FAMILY therapy is to get Trouble involved and
talk to him about his problems. This is supposed to be about him, not my household."
So, there you have it. Did I predict this right or what?! Her view of me is so totally skewed I don't even know what to say really. Her discription of me sounds like a stranger because that is certainly not accurate.
We forwarded her message to the counselor and hope that maybe he can help but I doubt it. The Witch is the witch.
I have a question. Is it natural for me to now feel like I don't even want to be around "Perfect" either? If she too is telling her mom that I yell and cuss all the time and so on, what would be her reason for telling those lies? I get why Trouble is doing it, he's trying to get his mom on his side to hate me, but I've never been under the impression that "Perfect" also felt that way. I always thought she at least respected me and that we got along for the most part. I really didn't know that she too disliked me. That really makes me feel bad.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Things are Looking Up
I'm feeling much better today after all of yesterday's bad news. I made some phone calls this morning and found out that Trouble's counselor is also on our insurance plan. So, we can see this man a few times for free and we don't have to be subjected to The Witch in order to do it. So Yeah! Husband is supposed to be calling to change next week's appointment from a group session to a session with just us. I'll need to find someone to pick up Baby Boy from school, but it will be worth it.
I also contacted Trouble's school counselor to set up an appointment for Husband to meet with her. Husband would like to talk to her before we go see the other counselor. So, he will be meeting with her Tuesday and then we should see the other guy on Wednesday. So Yeah again!
It's nice to feel like I have some control again. I really wasn't happy being dictated to by The Witch. And I'm glad to see Husband taking some control as well. He doesn't do that very often when it comes to The Witch or his kids. I can tell that all of this is very important to him.
I also contacted Trouble's school counselor to set up an appointment for Husband to meet with her. Husband would like to talk to her before we go see the other counselor. So, he will be meeting with her Tuesday and then we should see the other guy on Wednesday. So Yeah again!
It's nice to feel like I have some control again. I really wasn't happy being dictated to by The Witch. And I'm glad to see Husband taking some control as well. He doesn't do that very often when it comes to The Witch or his kids. I can tell that all of this is very important to him.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Hard Day with Benefits
Husband tried to talk to The Witch yesterday about the counselling appointment, but she was too busy to talk. Can you say coward?
Instead Husband sent a text and told her that he was disappointed that she didn't send him the appointment information so that he could be there and meet the counselor because he has wanted to get Trouble into counselling for a while now.
The Witch wrote back that this was her attorney's idea, not Husbands. Whatever. It probably was his/her suggestion but Husband talked to her about this before.
The Witch also said that Husband has no right to be there because this is HER insurance and that I (Stepped) had better be scared and better show up because I'm the one who needs the counselling, not Trouble. That if I don't show up, she will take us to court.
Yes, more threats. *sigh*
I started crying because I actually am scared. The Witch is really mean. I've seen the things she has done to her family members, so I know that there is evil in her. She hates me, so who knows what she is capable of.
Husband and I were also sent text messages from The Witch that Trouble had sent to her the night I smacked him. They were basically his telling of what happened. Husband and I weren't shocked when we read them, but I guess we were a little disappointed with Trouble's version. It really sounded bad and if that is what The Witch thinks happened, then it's no wonder she is totally freaking out. It seems when Husband talked to her, also that same night, she decided Husband was lying. Trouble made himself sound totally innocent and made me out to be a complete psycho. Like he was just sitting there in the bathroom and I came in and starting hitting him for no reason and all he could do was try to defend himself and tell me to stop. Um, no that is not right. Honestly, I can't understand why she would even believe such a story. It's just so far fetched. Wouldn't most people wonder what happened that would set someone off that they would want to hit another person? It seems very unreasonable that anyone would do something like that unprovoked. But there I go thinking she is reasonable, and of course she is not.
For the back story - Smackdown with Trouble
No phone call from the counselor today either which worries me. I really want to know what is going on.
Husband wants to talk to Trouble's school counselor and get some information from them, and he wants us to make our own appointment with this other counselor so we can talk to him alone, under our own insurance so we aren't subjected to The Witch. I think that sounds like a good idea. We really need to talk with him before we have a group meeting.
So, after about 3 hours with talk about Trouble and The Witch, I decided that it was time to put it to rest. I took Husband upstairs and we made love for an hour. A much better way to spend our time.
Instead Husband sent a text and told her that he was disappointed that she didn't send him the appointment information so that he could be there and meet the counselor because he has wanted to get Trouble into counselling for a while now.
The Witch wrote back that this was her attorney's idea, not Husbands. Whatever. It probably was his/her suggestion but Husband talked to her about this before.
The Witch also said that Husband has no right to be there because this is HER insurance and that I (Stepped) had better be scared and better show up because I'm the one who needs the counselling, not Trouble. That if I don't show up, she will take us to court.
Yes, more threats. *sigh*
I started crying because I actually am scared. The Witch is really mean. I've seen the things she has done to her family members, so I know that there is evil in her. She hates me, so who knows what she is capable of.
Husband and I were also sent text messages from The Witch that Trouble had sent to her the night I smacked him. They were basically his telling of what happened. Husband and I weren't shocked when we read them, but I guess we were a little disappointed with Trouble's version. It really sounded bad and if that is what The Witch thinks happened, then it's no wonder she is totally freaking out. It seems when Husband talked to her, also that same night, she decided Husband was lying. Trouble made himself sound totally innocent and made me out to be a complete psycho. Like he was just sitting there in the bathroom and I came in and starting hitting him for no reason and all he could do was try to defend himself and tell me to stop. Um, no that is not right. Honestly, I can't understand why she would even believe such a story. It's just so far fetched. Wouldn't most people wonder what happened that would set someone off that they would want to hit another person? It seems very unreasonable that anyone would do something like that unprovoked. But there I go thinking she is reasonable, and of course she is not.
For the back story - Smackdown with Trouble
No phone call from the counselor today either which worries me. I really want to know what is going on.
Husband wants to talk to Trouble's school counselor and get some information from them, and he wants us to make our own appointment with this other counselor so we can talk to him alone, under our own insurance so we aren't subjected to The Witch. I think that sounds like a good idea. We really need to talk with him before we have a group meeting.
So, after about 3 hours with talk about Trouble and The Witch, I decided that it was time to put it to rest. I took Husband upstairs and we made love for an hour. A much better way to spend our time.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I KNEW it, I just knew it
I'm starting to think that all ex-wives are carbon copies. Seriously. Everything I read from other bloggers about the little games and such that these women play, I seem to go through too. I truly don't get it. I wish I had known all of this stuff before I got involved in it. Maybe I would have gotten involved anyway, but my eyes would have been more open.
And here I say that, but I'm also an ex-wife. So, ladies, please remind of all this stuff if/when X decides to get off the couch and find someone to marry. I really don't want to be one of those women being complained about. I don't want to fall into the same insane patterns that all the other ex-wives fall into.
Last week The Witch cancelled the counselor appointment due to insurance. On Friday she set another appointment, and told Husband that her phone wasn't working so she would have to get him the information later.
Today Husband gets a text that Trouble had his appointment yesterday and we are all supposed to meet with the counselor next Tuesday at 2:00. Um... thanks?
Husband really want to be there for this first appointment. Not to be in the room or anything, but he wanted to meet the counselor, to show that he is there to support his son and also to be there to have a say in follow up appointments.
Of course The Witch knew that Husband was going to show up, since he tried to go last week, so she purposely didn't give him any of the information. Yes, I can see clearly now that she is quite controlling.
But it gets better...
She also said in her text that if we (meaning Husband and I) can't come to a resoultion, that she will have to take us to court and change the visitation arrangements.
Good grief. I do tire of the threats. I really do.
Husband and I have asked for her to work with us for about 6 months now. Ever since the first time Trouble ran away and hid from us when he didn't get his way. She completely refused to talk to us, well mostly me. Since she wouldn't go for working things out between all of us, Husband asked her if she would take Trouble to counselling. That was around Thanksgiving, after he was caught with the naked pictures of the girl from school. Of course that didn't happen. And now she tries to make it out like we are causing her problems? We've been trying to fix things with Trouble for some time now.
There is no way I can attend an appointment at 2:00. I have to pick up Baby Boy from school at 3:00. Plus Husband is at work during that time and Trouble is in school. I get that maybe the appointments need to be during the day, but The Witch can't schedule things for us, certainly not for me, without consulting us first.
I'm also frustrated that the counselor is immediately wanting to meet with all of us. She hasn't even talked to Husband and I yet. What is that all about? It makes me really nervous. I'd like a chance to meet with the counselor first.
I had Husband call the counselor to find out how the appointment went, what she would like to discuss next week and of course to get the day/time changed since 2:00 will not work for me. He had to leave a message. I hope that her office calls back tomorrow. I think Husband should know what is going on. Don't you?
And here I say that, but I'm also an ex-wife. So, ladies, please remind of all this stuff if/when X decides to get off the couch and find someone to marry. I really don't want to be one of those women being complained about. I don't want to fall into the same insane patterns that all the other ex-wives fall into.
Last week The Witch cancelled the counselor appointment due to insurance. On Friday she set another appointment, and told Husband that her phone wasn't working so she would have to get him the information later.
Today Husband gets a text that Trouble had his appointment yesterday and we are all supposed to meet with the counselor next Tuesday at 2:00. Um... thanks?
Husband really want to be there for this first appointment. Not to be in the room or anything, but he wanted to meet the counselor, to show that he is there to support his son and also to be there to have a say in follow up appointments.
Of course The Witch knew that Husband was going to show up, since he tried to go last week, so she purposely didn't give him any of the information. Yes, I can see clearly now that she is quite controlling.
But it gets better...
She also said in her text that if we (meaning Husband and I) can't come to a resoultion, that she will have to take us to court and change the visitation arrangements.
Good grief. I do tire of the threats. I really do.
Husband and I have asked for her to work with us for about 6 months now. Ever since the first time Trouble ran away and hid from us when he didn't get his way. She completely refused to talk to us, well mostly me. Since she wouldn't go for working things out between all of us, Husband asked her if she would take Trouble to counselling. That was around Thanksgiving, after he was caught with the naked pictures of the girl from school. Of course that didn't happen. And now she tries to make it out like we are causing her problems? We've been trying to fix things with Trouble for some time now.
There is no way I can attend an appointment at 2:00. I have to pick up Baby Boy from school at 3:00. Plus Husband is at work during that time and Trouble is in school. I get that maybe the appointments need to be during the day, but The Witch can't schedule things for us, certainly not for me, without consulting us first.
I'm also frustrated that the counselor is immediately wanting to meet with all of us. She hasn't even talked to Husband and I yet. What is that all about? It makes me really nervous. I'd like a chance to meet with the counselor first.
I had Husband call the counselor to find out how the appointment went, what she would like to discuss next week and of course to get the day/time changed since 2:00 will not work for me. He had to leave a message. I hope that her office calls back tomorrow. I think Husband should know what is going on. Don't you?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Trouble and Counselling
Husband told me that another appointment has been made for Trouble to attend counselling this coming week. I'm glad that The Witch didn't wait too long. I feel anxious to get things going and I'm actually looking forward to our turn to talk to the counselor. It sure will feel good to get things out in the open with someone I feel could be a very beneficial middle man.
There are many things that need to be said and discussed with not only Trouble but also The Witch. Things we haven't been able to get across to them on our own. I still have my doubts about how far The Witch will take counselling when she and Trouble are told that they play a part in all of this, because The Witch has told Husband several times that all the problems are because of me. But you never know. I think she really cares about her son and wants to do right by him, so maybe when the suggestions are coming from an outsider she will be more open to listening.
There are many things that need to be said and discussed with not only Trouble but also The Witch. Things we haven't been able to get across to them on our own. I still have my doubts about how far The Witch will take counselling when she and Trouble are told that they play a part in all of this, because The Witch has told Husband several times that all the problems are because of me. But you never know. I think she really cares about her son and wants to do right by him, so maybe when the suggestions are coming from an outsider she will be more open to listening.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Smackdown with Trouble - Final
...Continued from Parts 1, 2 and 3
That entire back story leads me to today and our first appointment with a counselor. I felt like I needed to write it all down, as what happens next should not really come as a complete surprise. It's been over 4 years in the making and while I am not completely proud of what I am about to say, I do feel that if the result is an eye opening experience for The Witch and for Trouble, then it was worth it.
A few weekends ago, New Years weekend, Trouble and "Perfect" were visiting. "Perfect" wanted to attend the church New Years party for teens. Trouble however, wanted to go to a friend's house. We do not know this friend, nor have we heard of him, so I was skeptical. However, do to previous experience, Husband wouldn't say no, or even question Trouble about his plans. All Husband asked was that Trouble call him if he decided to go somewhere else.
The next day Husband talked to Trouble and found out that Trouble had attended a party at someone elses house. The girl who had the party is friend's with Soccer Boy also, and had been bragging about her unchaperoned party on Facebook. - What happens here is based on what Husband told me. I was not in the car. - Husband was very upset about this information and when he picked up Trouble, he asked if there were adults at the party. Trouble was defensive and yelled at his dad, saying that there were a lot of adults there. One of them was "Perfect's" best friend's dad, whom we know. Husband also told Trouble that he was supposed to call to let Husband know if he was going somewhere that night and wanted an apology. Trouble got really mad, and when they got home Trouble locked himself in the bathroom. Husband called the dad we know, and confirmed that there were adults at the party all night.
I had been making plans to go watch a movie with "Perfect" and her best friend, and Husband and Trouble when they got home. Since Trouble locked himself in the bathroom and was throwing a fit, I thought we should go without him, but Husband wanted to take him. Husband was really angry so I decided to knock on the bathroom door to invite Trouble to come to the movie with us.
I said stop throwing a fit, that Husband was worried about him because that is Husband's job, it was obviously a misunderstanding and to come out so we could go to watch a movie. Trouble turned his music blaring loud so he didn't have to listen to me. I knocked on the door several times and told him to come out. When he didn't, I got mad.
I asked Husband to get the key to unlock the bathroom door. Once the door was open, I pushed Husband out of the bathroom and I locked the door. I totally yelled at Trouble, got right in his face and gave him a piece of my mind. I have no idea what I said. I do know I was not swearing but other then that, I don't know, but I was really pissed off.
Husband was freaking out on the other side of the door telling Trouble not to hurt me. In order to understand this you'd have to know that I am very tiny. I weigh less then 100lbs and I'm short. Trouble is as big as Husband, and since Trouble has punched kids before, I can see why Husband would be worried. However, I was the one in control in that bathroom. I think Trouble was shocked along with being pissed off. We were probably in the bathroom less than a minute.
Trouble made his way out of the bathroom and unto the hall. I continued to yell at Trouble and this time I know I was telling him that this is my house, it's my rules and that he is not going to push us around anymore. I am in charge and I don't care if he likes it or not, but that he will do what I say, when I say it. Trouble was seriously glaring at me, and was mouthy. He told me he didn't have to listen to me. That I don't know anything. That I can't tell him what to do. That if I don't like it, I can send him home. And somewhere in all of that, I slapped his face. I know after I did that I said specifically "I don't give a crap if you and I have a relationship, but I do care if you two do" meaning Trouble and Husband. I told Trouble to sit on his bed and listen to what Husband has to say and they needed to work things out. Then I left and took the dog for a walk in order to calm down.
As a side note, "Perfect's" friend must have thought she was in a crazy house. However, when I think about it, she acted perfectly normal when I came back. She and "Perfect" came into the kitchen to talk to me about the movie. I wonder what kind of drama she must see at her house?!
After Husband and Trouble talked things out, Trouble started texting The Witch and telling her that she needs to take me to court. The Witch called Husband and they had a calm conversation, which was very surprising to me, considering I just slapped her kid.
After all that we still went to the movie, only a later showing of it. Trouble didn't say a word on the drive, refused to eat dinner and went to the lobby of the theater for part of the time.
When we got home from the movie, Husband asked Trouble a question and Trouble ignored him. This set me off again, and I yelled at Trouble about listening to his dad and to answer Husband when he asks a question. Trouble told me to stop talking for Husband and I told Trouble that I thought we already made it clear that it's my house, my rules and my way. I had Husband and Trouble talk together again without me in the room.
The next day Trouble never came out of his room. He texted The Witch and told her he wasn't feeling well. The Witch called Husband to tell him that Trouble wasn't feeling well. I stayed out of it this time, but once Husband came downstairs after tending to the "illness" I told Husband that for future he should tell The Witch that if Trouble calls again, that she needs to tell Trouble to stop and to talk to Husband directly. Husband went out of his way all day taking up things to Trouble and even going to the store to get things for him. And guess what... Trouble wasn't sick. Yes, I know you saw that one coming. But Husband, was a pushover as usual.
Last week Husband got a call from The Witch. She demanded that Husband sign papers stating that he would no longer have visitations with Trouble and if he didn't sign she would take us to court for child abuse. Husband called me totally panicked wondering what to do. I told him that The Witch was being stupid because all a judge will do is tell us to go to counselling which is what Husband had told the Witch to set up several times over the last couple of months. I told him to call her bluff and tell her that he isn't signing anything and that he wants her to set up an appointment for as soon as possible. -- We would have done it but Trouble would never have gone if it was something we wanted. Plus The Witch can get counselling for free since her husband works for the city. It would cost us the full price and The Witch would then owe half. It makes the most logical sense for The Witch to do it.
And thankfully she made the appointment, but of course she insisted that Trouble isn't the one who needs to go, because he never acts like this at her house. Stepmom (Me) is the problem and needs counselling.
I agree that yelling at Trouble and slapping him was way over the top. I was out of control angry and I'm sure there are better ways to have handled things. I know that Husband and I need to learn how to deal with Trouble in a way that is positive for all of us, and I am very open to whatever the counselor suggests.
However, Trouble TOTALLY needs counselling and The Witch is in complete denial about her part in all of this. She has contributed to this insanity for years by allowing Trouble to be a victim rather then helping him to take responsibility for his part. And Trouble acts out in places other than in my home as well. If things don't go his way, he will throw a fit. He may not do it to The Witch but he certainly does with classmates, teachers and community members.
Husband and I have decided that Trouble has resented me moving into the house, and my kids taking over his room, and having to share his time, since the very beginning. Trouble has always thrown tantrums when he didn't get his way. This started long before I came into the picture and even The Witch agrees that he has always done this. Both The Witch and Husband have given into the trantrums in one way or another, but Husband stopped being as easy to push once I came along. I was the bad guy long before I ever did anything to warrant the title and I think I would have been the bad guy no matter what.
The fight that very first day over 4 years ago between Soccer Boy and Trouble, was due to Trouble not wanting to share his room or his game system. And Husband came to Trouble's rescue, with me and Soccer Boy being the bad guys. Trouble was never held accountable for anything that he did that day, nor any day since.
So, Trouble has the first appointment and I'd love to be a fly on that wall. I can only imagine the things he will tell this man about how terrible he's been treated by me and Husband. I really want this to be a step in the right direction. I have my doubts but I want to keep an open mind. Husband and I could certainly use a silver lining because our marriage, from day one, has been a major rollercoaster ride when it comes to Trouble.
That entire back story leads me to today and our first appointment with a counselor. I felt like I needed to write it all down, as what happens next should not really come as a complete surprise. It's been over 4 years in the making and while I am not completely proud of what I am about to say, I do feel that if the result is an eye opening experience for The Witch and for Trouble, then it was worth it.
A few weekends ago, New Years weekend, Trouble and "Perfect" were visiting. "Perfect" wanted to attend the church New Years party for teens. Trouble however, wanted to go to a friend's house. We do not know this friend, nor have we heard of him, so I was skeptical. However, do to previous experience, Husband wouldn't say no, or even question Trouble about his plans. All Husband asked was that Trouble call him if he decided to go somewhere else.
The next day Husband talked to Trouble and found out that Trouble had attended a party at someone elses house. The girl who had the party is friend's with Soccer Boy also, and had been bragging about her unchaperoned party on Facebook. - What happens here is based on what Husband told me. I was not in the car. - Husband was very upset about this information and when he picked up Trouble, he asked if there were adults at the party. Trouble was defensive and yelled at his dad, saying that there were a lot of adults there. One of them was "Perfect's" best friend's dad, whom we know. Husband also told Trouble that he was supposed to call to let Husband know if he was going somewhere that night and wanted an apology. Trouble got really mad, and when they got home Trouble locked himself in the bathroom. Husband called the dad we know, and confirmed that there were adults at the party all night.
I had been making plans to go watch a movie with "Perfect" and her best friend, and Husband and Trouble when they got home. Since Trouble locked himself in the bathroom and was throwing a fit, I thought we should go without him, but Husband wanted to take him. Husband was really angry so I decided to knock on the bathroom door to invite Trouble to come to the movie with us.
I said stop throwing a fit, that Husband was worried about him because that is Husband's job, it was obviously a misunderstanding and to come out so we could go to watch a movie. Trouble turned his music blaring loud so he didn't have to listen to me. I knocked on the door several times and told him to come out. When he didn't, I got mad.
I asked Husband to get the key to unlock the bathroom door. Once the door was open, I pushed Husband out of the bathroom and I locked the door. I totally yelled at Trouble, got right in his face and gave him a piece of my mind. I have no idea what I said. I do know I was not swearing but other then that, I don't know, but I was really pissed off.
Husband was freaking out on the other side of the door telling Trouble not to hurt me. In order to understand this you'd have to know that I am very tiny. I weigh less then 100lbs and I'm short. Trouble is as big as Husband, and since Trouble has punched kids before, I can see why Husband would be worried. However, I was the one in control in that bathroom. I think Trouble was shocked along with being pissed off. We were probably in the bathroom less than a minute.
Trouble made his way out of the bathroom and unto the hall. I continued to yell at Trouble and this time I know I was telling him that this is my house, it's my rules and that he is not going to push us around anymore. I am in charge and I don't care if he likes it or not, but that he will do what I say, when I say it. Trouble was seriously glaring at me, and was mouthy. He told me he didn't have to listen to me. That I don't know anything. That I can't tell him what to do. That if I don't like it, I can send him home. And somewhere in all of that, I slapped his face. I know after I did that I said specifically "I don't give a crap if you and I have a relationship, but I do care if you two do" meaning Trouble and Husband. I told Trouble to sit on his bed and listen to what Husband has to say and they needed to work things out. Then I left and took the dog for a walk in order to calm down.
As a side note, "Perfect's" friend must have thought she was in a crazy house. However, when I think about it, she acted perfectly normal when I came back. She and "Perfect" came into the kitchen to talk to me about the movie. I wonder what kind of drama she must see at her house?!
After Husband and Trouble talked things out, Trouble started texting The Witch and telling her that she needs to take me to court. The Witch called Husband and they had a calm conversation, which was very surprising to me, considering I just slapped her kid.
After all that we still went to the movie, only a later showing of it. Trouble didn't say a word on the drive, refused to eat dinner and went to the lobby of the theater for part of the time.
When we got home from the movie, Husband asked Trouble a question and Trouble ignored him. This set me off again, and I yelled at Trouble about listening to his dad and to answer Husband when he asks a question. Trouble told me to stop talking for Husband and I told Trouble that I thought we already made it clear that it's my house, my rules and my way. I had Husband and Trouble talk together again without me in the room.
The next day Trouble never came out of his room. He texted The Witch and told her he wasn't feeling well. The Witch called Husband to tell him that Trouble wasn't feeling well. I stayed out of it this time, but once Husband came downstairs after tending to the "illness" I told Husband that for future he should tell The Witch that if Trouble calls again, that she needs to tell Trouble to stop and to talk to Husband directly. Husband went out of his way all day taking up things to Trouble and even going to the store to get things for him. And guess what... Trouble wasn't sick. Yes, I know you saw that one coming. But Husband, was a pushover as usual.
Last week Husband got a call from The Witch. She demanded that Husband sign papers stating that he would no longer have visitations with Trouble and if he didn't sign she would take us to court for child abuse. Husband called me totally panicked wondering what to do. I told him that The Witch was being stupid because all a judge will do is tell us to go to counselling which is what Husband had told the Witch to set up several times over the last couple of months. I told him to call her bluff and tell her that he isn't signing anything and that he wants her to set up an appointment for as soon as possible. -- We would have done it but Trouble would never have gone if it was something we wanted. Plus The Witch can get counselling for free since her husband works for the city. It would cost us the full price and The Witch would then owe half. It makes the most logical sense for The Witch to do it.
And thankfully she made the appointment, but of course she insisted that Trouble isn't the one who needs to go, because he never acts like this at her house. Stepmom (Me) is the problem and needs counselling.
I agree that yelling at Trouble and slapping him was way over the top. I was out of control angry and I'm sure there are better ways to have handled things. I know that Husband and I need to learn how to deal with Trouble in a way that is positive for all of us, and I am very open to whatever the counselor suggests.
However, Trouble TOTALLY needs counselling and The Witch is in complete denial about her part in all of this. She has contributed to this insanity for years by allowing Trouble to be a victim rather then helping him to take responsibility for his part. And Trouble acts out in places other than in my home as well. If things don't go his way, he will throw a fit. He may not do it to The Witch but he certainly does with classmates, teachers and community members.
Husband and I have decided that Trouble has resented me moving into the house, and my kids taking over his room, and having to share his time, since the very beginning. Trouble has always thrown tantrums when he didn't get his way. This started long before I came into the picture and even The Witch agrees that he has always done this. Both The Witch and Husband have given into the trantrums in one way or another, but Husband stopped being as easy to push once I came along. I was the bad guy long before I ever did anything to warrant the title and I think I would have been the bad guy no matter what.
The fight that very first day over 4 years ago between Soccer Boy and Trouble, was due to Trouble not wanting to share his room or his game system. And Husband came to Trouble's rescue, with me and Soccer Boy being the bad guys. Trouble was never held accountable for anything that he did that day, nor any day since.
So, Trouble has the first appointment and I'd love to be a fly on that wall. I can only imagine the things he will tell this man about how terrible he's been treated by me and Husband. I really want this to be a step in the right direction. I have my doubts but I want to keep an open mind. Husband and I could certainly use a silver lining because our marriage, from day one, has been a major rollercoaster ride when it comes to Trouble.
Smackdown with Trouble - Part 3
Continued from Parts 1 and 2...
Trouble has gotten really creative since the November Sunday drama, in order to get his way, and has figured out how to get Husband and The Witch to comply with whatever he wants.
One evening we were playing cards at the table and Trouble continued to turn his music up louder and louder while he sat in the other room on the computer. After quite a few attempts to get him to join us, he finally came to the table, but still refused to play. He brought his ipod and his phone with him and sat there texting. Again, the music gradually got louder and Husband asked him to turn it down and to put his phone away for a little while to at least join in the conversation with the family. He refused, and I said something to Trouble about listening to his father. Trouble yelled at me and told me that I can't tell him what to do. From what we have gathered since that time he was texting The Witch making fun of us and complaining that we were being mean to him and not allowing him to listen to his music. When Husband left to pick up "Perfect" from her band competition, Trouble went with him and asked to go back home to The Witch. Husband took Trouble home. The Witch told Husband the next day, after getting the scoop on what happened, that Trouble doesn't like to play cards, so it's unfair of us to ask him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Husband was waiting for Trouble to get something from The Witch's house one evening and was listening to Trouble's ipod. A song came on using derrogatory words about the female genitalia, which caused Husband to start checking out the rest of Trouble's song library. Husband found a large list of songs with foul language and strong sexual content. Husband took the ipod for the rest of the weekend and returned it to The Witch and asked her to check out the songs for herself, with the intent that she would delete those that are innappropriate. The Witch never looked at the ipod and a few weeks later "Perfect" took the ipod and cleaned up the song library. So, in this case "Perfect" should probably be written as Perfect, as she truly has a good heart.
In December The Witch found that Trouble had been getting naked pictures of a girl at school, from the girl herself. (They are in 8th grade) This was the same week Trouble threw and eraser at his teacher. Trouble was grounded from his phone and the computer. That weekend he came to our house and we had a serious talk with him about his recent behavior. Trouble had been complaining to The Witch about being old enough to make his own choices and therefore doesn't have to follow the rules we have at our house. The Witch agreed that Trouble was old enough for these responsibilities, since it meant rules at our house and not hers. However, when we talked with Trouble it was to let him know that while we want to respect his right to make choices for himself, when he starts making really stupid choices, he loses that respect. So, for the weekend he would need to do the things we asked of him to earn some trust back. He was in agreement or probably compliance. After a day Husband decided Trouble had earned trust, and allowed Trouble to go to a social event with friends. Trouble called to say he was gettng a ride home from a friend. The friend was the "naked" girl and her sister. I was pissed but Husband said nothing because he didn't want Trouble to call his mom to come and pick him up.
We have a rule that there is no TV, cell phones, game systems, toys... at the dinner table. We eat as a family and this is our time to put away the distractions. Trouble 99% of the time, does not obey this rule and Husband rarely says anything because he's afraid Trouble will call The Witch to come and pick him up.
When Trouble wants to go to the mall, or the movies, or out with friends even if it conflicts with our plans, Husband will take Trouble, so that Trouble won't call The Witch to come and pick him up.
Yes, this has become a pattern over two short months and we have lost all control over our home and any and every situation that doesn't comply with what Trouble wants. The Witch can't come and pick Trouble up anymore, so now when Trouble calls The Witch, it ends with Husband and The Witch getting into a fight. Trouble is now the innocent victim to The Witch and she can't come and save him from big bad Husband and wicked Stepmom. I can only imagine the conversations that take place between The Witch and Trouble when he gets home on Sunday evenings.
Continued...
Trouble has gotten really creative since the November Sunday drama, in order to get his way, and has figured out how to get Husband and The Witch to comply with whatever he wants.
One evening we were playing cards at the table and Trouble continued to turn his music up louder and louder while he sat in the other room on the computer. After quite a few attempts to get him to join us, he finally came to the table, but still refused to play. He brought his ipod and his phone with him and sat there texting. Again, the music gradually got louder and Husband asked him to turn it down and to put his phone away for a little while to at least join in the conversation with the family. He refused, and I said something to Trouble about listening to his father. Trouble yelled at me and told me that I can't tell him what to do. From what we have gathered since that time he was texting The Witch making fun of us and complaining that we were being mean to him and not allowing him to listen to his music. When Husband left to pick up "Perfect" from her band competition, Trouble went with him and asked to go back home to The Witch. Husband took Trouble home. The Witch told Husband the next day, after getting the scoop on what happened, that Trouble doesn't like to play cards, so it's unfair of us to ask him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Husband was waiting for Trouble to get something from The Witch's house one evening and was listening to Trouble's ipod. A song came on using derrogatory words about the female genitalia, which caused Husband to start checking out the rest of Trouble's song library. Husband found a large list of songs with foul language and strong sexual content. Husband took the ipod for the rest of the weekend and returned it to The Witch and asked her to check out the songs for herself, with the intent that she would delete those that are innappropriate. The Witch never looked at the ipod and a few weeks later "Perfect" took the ipod and cleaned up the song library. So, in this case "Perfect" should probably be written as Perfect, as she truly has a good heart.
In December The Witch found that Trouble had been getting naked pictures of a girl at school, from the girl herself. (They are in 8th grade) This was the same week Trouble threw and eraser at his teacher. Trouble was grounded from his phone and the computer. That weekend he came to our house and we had a serious talk with him about his recent behavior. Trouble had been complaining to The Witch about being old enough to make his own choices and therefore doesn't have to follow the rules we have at our house. The Witch agreed that Trouble was old enough for these responsibilities, since it meant rules at our house and not hers. However, when we talked with Trouble it was to let him know that while we want to respect his right to make choices for himself, when he starts making really stupid choices, he loses that respect. So, for the weekend he would need to do the things we asked of him to earn some trust back. He was in agreement or probably compliance. After a day Husband decided Trouble had earned trust, and allowed Trouble to go to a social event with friends. Trouble called to say he was gettng a ride home from a friend. The friend was the "naked" girl and her sister. I was pissed but Husband said nothing because he didn't want Trouble to call his mom to come and pick him up.
We have a rule that there is no TV, cell phones, game systems, toys... at the dinner table. We eat as a family and this is our time to put away the distractions. Trouble 99% of the time, does not obey this rule and Husband rarely says anything because he's afraid Trouble will call The Witch to come and pick him up.
When Trouble wants to go to the mall, or the movies, or out with friends even if it conflicts with our plans, Husband will take Trouble, so that Trouble won't call The Witch to come and pick him up.
Yes, this has become a pattern over two short months and we have lost all control over our home and any and every situation that doesn't comply with what Trouble wants. The Witch can't come and pick Trouble up anymore, so now when Trouble calls The Witch, it ends with Husband and The Witch getting into a fight. Trouble is now the innocent victim to The Witch and she can't come and save him from big bad Husband and wicked Stepmom. I can only imagine the conversations that take place between The Witch and Trouble when he gets home on Sunday evenings.
Continued...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Smackdown with Trouble - Part 2
So, fast forward to 4 years later, and now these kids are teenagers. Well, not Baby Boy, but everyone else is.
Since that fateful day, the day I should have put all my boxes back into the moving truck and found an apartment, the day I realized I stepped in hell, the drama with Trouble has continued. Thankfully it is not drama between Soccer Boy and Trouble, who acted like nothing ever happened that day, but between Trouble and me. And to be fair, it also began the drama between Husband and me as well.
Trouble learned that day, that if he can tell the story good enough, that Husband will believe him, and Husband and I will end up in a fight, leaving Trouble scott free from consequences for his actions.
It was also the start of Trouble calling The Witch, complaining about me to The Witch and the The Witch coming to his rescue. Sometimes literally picking him up and taking him home to "protect" him from me.
Trouble has run away from our home a few times and called his mom from his "hiding place" to pick him up. He has punched a kid at school in the face. He threw an eraser at his teacher during class. He got into an argument with school staff over his lunch tray in the cafeteria. He threw pool furniture into the community swimming pool. He pushed Soccer Boy down on the patio and Soccer Boy got stitches. I know there is more but I can't think of anything else. He's been suspended twice this year from school and had to do community service, through school, twice, but I only wrote two of the four reasons above. But I'm sure you get the picture.
In November my mother-in-law came to visit and Trouble told her privately all about how mean I am to him. How I never allow him to use his phone, ipod, the TV, computer or to play any video games. That I yell at him all the time and he hates coming to visit. My mother-in-law (MIL) was very sad for Trouble. Trouble indicated that he wanted to spend more time with Husband alone and that I am in the way.
The next day after their talk, Trouble and my MIL were talking in the livingroom. I was upstairs with Husband getting ready for church and the other kids ("Perfect" and Soccer Boy) were in the game room. My MIL went upstairs to get ready as well, and Trouble used the opportunity to run away from home, again, and hide where we couldn't find him. Trouble was calling The Witch who was calling us. We ended in all of us going to church without Trouble and The Witch picking him up. (Keep in mind Trouble is now 14 and we have a spare key in the backyard so he was not locked out nor too young to be home alone.)
Later that night MIL confessed all the things that Trouble had told her and she apologized for believing him and thinking bad things about me. It became obvious to MIL that Trouble was a good story teller and that the things he said were untrue and/or exaggerated.
Husband called The Witch and told her that she was not allowed to pick up Trouble from our home anymore during his visitation. The Witch was mad and called her lawyer who told her that Husband was right. Trouble was angry that he couldn't call The Witch whenever he felt like it and have her rescue him.
The pot was about the boil over and I knew something bad was going to come of it but I had no idea it would be this bad.
Continues...
Smackdown with Trouble - Part 1
Husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 4 1/2 of those years. When Husband and I were dating I got along with "Perfect" and Trouble just fine. They were 11 and 9 respectively, and "Perfect" seemed to be especially fond of me.
When Husband and I decided to get married we talked to "Perfect"and Trouble about what it would be like since we were concerned with them having a hard time sharing "their" house, toys and bedrooms especially. Even though the two kids were only with Husband for weekend visitations, the house is the same house they all lived in before The Witch decided to leave Husband for another man. It seemed like we should be concerned about how they would feel and make sure they understood what changes were in store.
Both "Perfect" and Trouble seemed okay with it, actually they seemed slightly disinterested, and while Husband and I did our best to have a conversation with them, they were mostly interested in getting outside to play with friends.
Prior to this conversation Husband and I spent many weekends together with all five of our kids and the kids got along for the most part. The Baby was only 2 at the time, so the other kids weren't terribly interested in him. But Soccer Boy, Drama Boy and Trouble all seemed to get along okay. "Perfect" is the only girl and the oldest so she mostly did her own thing.
Husband and I were completely shocked when things went south the very first day!
My mom was here helping me move into the house, and she stayed home with the kids while Husband and I went to work Monday morning. When I got home things seemed normal, we had dinner and Soccer Boy, Drama Boy, my nephew who was also here visiting, and Trouble went into the backyard to play. Husband was also outside in the driveway washinghis true love the car. My mom and I were talking in the livingroom and I don't remember where "Perfect" was. I'm thinking she wasn't here.
Without any warning, Drama Boy came into the house yelling that Trouble was going to kill Soccer Boy.
I ran outside to see Trouble cornering Soccer Boy and yelled at them to stop and to get into the house right now. My mom kept Drama Boy and nephew in the livingroom. Trouble went to his room and Soccer boy went to my room. Husband came inside at some point, maybe when I yelled but I don't remember. I do know he went to talk to Trouble.
After all the adults talked to the kids in seperate rooms to find out what happened, we talked together. Soccer Boy and Drama Boy (and my nephew) all told the same story. Trouble told a different story. My mom also added some background information about things that had happened earlier in the day.
To make a long story a little shorter, Trouble made himself out to be a victim, Husband believed Trouble. Soccer Boy was grounded for the night for his part in the fight. My mom was made out to be a liar by Trouble and Husband. Trouble didn't take responsibility for any part he played in the day's events. My nephew was so scared that he slept with my mom that night and Drama Boy spent the evening crying.
When Husband and I decided to get married we talked to "Perfect"and Trouble about what it would be like since we were concerned with them having a hard time sharing "their" house, toys and bedrooms especially. Even though the two kids were only with Husband for weekend visitations, the house is the same house they all lived in before The Witch decided to leave Husband for another man. It seemed like we should be concerned about how they would feel and make sure they understood what changes were in store.
Both "Perfect" and Trouble seemed okay with it, actually they seemed slightly disinterested, and while Husband and I did our best to have a conversation with them, they were mostly interested in getting outside to play with friends.
Prior to this conversation Husband and I spent many weekends together with all five of our kids and the kids got along for the most part. The Baby was only 2 at the time, so the other kids weren't terribly interested in him. But Soccer Boy, Drama Boy and Trouble all seemed to get along okay. "Perfect" is the only girl and the oldest so she mostly did her own thing.
Husband and I were completely shocked when things went south the very first day!
My mom was here helping me move into the house, and she stayed home with the kids while Husband and I went to work Monday morning. When I got home things seemed normal, we had dinner and Soccer Boy, Drama Boy, my nephew who was also here visiting, and Trouble went into the backyard to play. Husband was also outside in the driveway washing
Without any warning, Drama Boy came into the house yelling that Trouble was going to kill Soccer Boy.
I ran outside to see Trouble cornering Soccer Boy and yelled at them to stop and to get into the house right now. My mom kept Drama Boy and nephew in the livingroom. Trouble went to his room and Soccer boy went to my room. Husband came inside at some point, maybe when I yelled but I don't remember. I do know he went to talk to Trouble.
After all the adults talked to the kids in seperate rooms to find out what happened, we talked together. Soccer Boy and Drama Boy (and my nephew) all told the same story. Trouble told a different story. My mom also added some background information about things that had happened earlier in the day.
To make a long story a little shorter, Trouble made himself out to be a victim, Husband believed Trouble. Soccer Boy was grounded for the night for his part in the fight. My mom was made out to be a liar by Trouble and Husband. Trouble didn't take responsibility for any part he played in the day's events. My nephew was so scared that he slept with my mom that night and Drama Boy spent the evening crying.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Soccer Games - Oh the joy
I love to attend the events, activities, ceremonies, concerts and games for each of the kids. I'm for sure one of the kids biggest fans and I am the annoying mom who proudly and loudly cheers for her child. Well, maybe not at the concerts, since you aren't supposed to scream names.
Soccer Boy and Trouble play on the same soccer team for this winter season. Normally only Soccer Boy plays, since The Witch has excuse after excuse for why she misses sign up deadlines for Trouble. And I know you are thinking that Husband or I could sign him up, but I don't see us paying for these kind of things along with child support. Plus The Witch makes more money than we do, so Trouble needs to take her up on these things if he wants to play that badly. Anyway, back to the point. Soccer games are one of those events where I have both The Witch and X in the same place at the same time. I readily encourage all of us to attend these events for the kids, but Husband and I have double the discomfort, which isn't something I really thought about when I encouraged Trouble to be on our team.
X and I get along okay in the sense that we never talk to one another and when we do it is straight to the point and 99.9% of the time via email. Like "Did so and so leave this or that at your house?" or "Can we trade this weekend for that weekend?" X hasn't gotten married since we divorced, so at this point I don't have another stepmom to deal with, but I expect that someday that could change. However X would have to get a job before I would imagine him dating anyone. And if I had any current issue with X it would be that over two years of unemployment, no child support or medical insurance for the kids is getting really old. Last time I checked we are both responsible for the kids. But again, that isn't what this post is about.
The Witch and I do not get along even though we never talk to one another. It's strange how lack of communication can speak just as loud or even louder than actual communication. I've tried a few times to talk to her and she ends up throwing a fit and yelling at Husband because she "isn't obligated to talk to" me. Well, no, she isn't but I typically know what's going on around here so trying to go through Husband all the time gets super frustrating. I'm not big on using a middleman. But it is what it is. And again, that isn't what this post is about.
Soccer games have become one of those places where I am concerned about what I look like, where I am sitting, what I say, what I do and so on. It's strange to feel so self conscience in a place where all I want to do is let the kids know that I am there to support them.
Last night Husband missed half the game so I sat uncomfortably all by myself with The Witch on the next set of bleachers and X on the one just over from that. I'm glad that there are four sets of bleachers at this place, or it could be even worse. I was very glad when Husband showed up. Prior to his arrival I felt as obvious as if I were standing out on the field naked. It seems like his shield makes all the difference.
Thankfully there were no issues at this game. The Witch quietly took Trouble home, with no word to me from either of them. Yes, not even from Trouble. You will learn why if you keep reading my blog. Husband did talk to Trouble briefly. However, if Husband didn't approach Trouble, Trouble would leave without a word to Husband. I'd like to say it's simply the drama of teenagers but sadly, we have some serious issues here.
X and his sister stayed and talked to Soccer Boy for a while after the game was over and I patiently waited nearby. I am glad that Soccer Boy is polite to X and wants to go over plays, goals and mishaps of the games with X. But Soccer Boy doesn't spend very much time with X anymore at X's house. He's busy for one, but Soccer Boy sees X for the lazy person that he is and is irritated with it. I'm perfectly okay with Soccer Boy being home. He's a good kid most of the time, and I enjoy having him around. But I do worry about Soccer Boy not having a relationship with X. It's something I am concerned about and I try to encourage Soccer Boy to talk to X as often as he can.
And in case you were wondering, we lost the game. It was our first loss of the season. Total bummer. However, Soccer Boy assisted Trouble with our only goal of the game. I came home with a sore throat from all the cheering.
Soccer Boy and Trouble play on the same soccer team for this winter season. Normally only Soccer Boy plays, since The Witch has excuse after excuse for why she misses sign up deadlines for Trouble. And I know you are thinking that Husband or I could sign him up, but I don't see us paying for these kind of things along with child support. Plus The Witch makes more money than we do, so Trouble needs to take her up on these things if he wants to play that badly. Anyway, back to the point. Soccer games are one of those events where I have both The Witch and X in the same place at the same time. I readily encourage all of us to attend these events for the kids, but Husband and I have double the discomfort, which isn't something I really thought about when I encouraged Trouble to be on our team.
X and I get along okay in the sense that we never talk to one another and when we do it is straight to the point and 99.9% of the time via email. Like "Did so and so leave this or that at your house?" or "Can we trade this weekend for that weekend?" X hasn't gotten married since we divorced, so at this point I don't have another stepmom to deal with, but I expect that someday that could change. However X would have to get a job before I would imagine him dating anyone. And if I had any current issue with X it would be that over two years of unemployment, no child support or medical insurance for the kids is getting really old. Last time I checked we are both responsible for the kids. But again, that isn't what this post is about.
The Witch and I do not get along even though we never talk to one another. It's strange how lack of communication can speak just as loud or even louder than actual communication. I've tried a few times to talk to her and she ends up throwing a fit and yelling at Husband because she "isn't obligated to talk to" me. Well, no, she isn't but I typically know what's going on around here so trying to go through Husband all the time gets super frustrating. I'm not big on using a middleman. But it is what it is. And again, that isn't what this post is about.
Soccer games have become one of those places where I am concerned about what I look like, where I am sitting, what I say, what I do and so on. It's strange to feel so self conscience in a place where all I want to do is let the kids know that I am there to support them.
Last night Husband missed half the game so I sat uncomfortably all by myself with The Witch on the next set of bleachers and X on the one just over from that. I'm glad that there are four sets of bleachers at this place, or it could be even worse. I was very glad when Husband showed up. Prior to his arrival I felt as obvious as if I were standing out on the field naked. It seems like his shield makes all the difference.
Thankfully there were no issues at this game. The Witch quietly took Trouble home, with no word to me from either of them. Yes, not even from Trouble. You will learn why if you keep reading my blog. Husband did talk to Trouble briefly. However, if Husband didn't approach Trouble, Trouble would leave without a word to Husband. I'd like to say it's simply the drama of teenagers but sadly, we have some serious issues here.
X and his sister stayed and talked to Soccer Boy for a while after the game was over and I patiently waited nearby. I am glad that Soccer Boy is polite to X and wants to go over plays, goals and mishaps of the games with X. But Soccer Boy doesn't spend very much time with X anymore at X's house. He's busy for one, but Soccer Boy sees X for the lazy person that he is and is irritated with it. I'm perfectly okay with Soccer Boy being home. He's a good kid most of the time, and I enjoy having him around. But I do worry about Soccer Boy not having a relationship with X. It's something I am concerned about and I try to encourage Soccer Boy to talk to X as often as he can.
And in case you were wondering, we lost the game. It was our first loss of the season. Total bummer. However, Soccer Boy assisted Trouble with our only goal of the game. I came home with a sore throat from all the cheering.
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