Terrible Day

Last night Husband and I were talking and somehow the conversation turned to all the things I've done wrong to upset "Perfect". It started with Husband telling me how we have hurt "Perfect" and every birthday she thinks about the birthday we got into a fight. I spent at least 20 minutes reminding Husband of that birthday and what happened.

Here's the condensed version:

Earlier in the day I found a huge bloodclot in my underwear. I called my doctor but their office was already closed. Several hours later Husband wanted to get out the birthday cake (which I made, thank you) and I cleared off the table, which required taking some things upstairs. I felt like I might be bleeding and stopped in the bathroom to check, and I was. Husband came upstairs to get me and was yelling at me that I'm being rude to "Perfect" and ruining her birthday. I went downstairs with him and sat at the table. We sang, did the candles and so on. They were all eating cake and I excused myself and went up to lay down. Husband came upstairs and YELLED at me that I was very selfish and he didn't care what the reason was for me leaving it's not an excuse for ruining "Perfect's" birthday and so on. Then he slammed the door. I never got to say a word about feeling sick and bleeding. When I got up from the bed, the bleeding was much worse and I felt I needed to go to the hospital. I went downstairs and told Husband about the bleeding and I needed to go to the hospital. Husband didn't want to take me because he didn't want "Perfect" to feel rejected and have this be her worst birthday ever, so after telling "Perfect" I was sorry but I was having an emergency, I drove myself to the hospital. Late that night when I returned home, the house was locked, the lights were out and everyone was sleeping, even Husband. Now, I was fine, I just had the worst period ever, during a non-period time of my cycle. It's never happened before or after.

So back to Husband and I last night...

I reminded Husband of this story, and asked Husband how he knows "Perfect" thinks about that birthday or that it bothers her. He said it just does. I pushed for an actual answer and he said because she told him it bothers her. I asked him how the conversation went. He said he couldn't remember. Then he changed his mind and said it was probably that she had a look on her face or something and he knew it was because of that birthday. (Seriously? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard) I asked him how he knew and he said he didn't know. Then he changed his mind again and said the "The Witch" told him. Again, I asked how the conversation went and did he explain what actually happened on that birthday? He got really angry and yelled at me all his typical poor Husband sob story excuses, like he can't remember anything, and it's all his fault and he's stupid, blah, blah. I asked him to stop being dramatic and just answer the question. He said he already did.

So, I changed my tactics and asked him if he felt like I did something wrong by having to got to the hospital on her birthday. Was it possible that he might have been able to help "Perfect" understand that it was not her fault, nor my fault, and Husband was being a jerk that day? That "Perfect", at 14 then, was old enough to understand an emergency and we could have postponed the celebration until the next day?

Husband's response was I'm right and it's all his fault. (I hate when he does that.)

I started crying and reminded him it was a hard day for me too. I felt very unloved and had to take care of myself and because he was so concerned about damaging his kids, he couldn't even think about how much it might hurt me. He couldn't even wait up to make sure I was okay.

Husband's response was that I am an adult.

I cried off and on most of the night and all day today. I'm not sure why I am feeling so emotional. Maybe because of all the other issues we are dealing with right now, but somehow his words just hit me in my gut.

I know I am an adult but good grief. I was having massive unexplained bleeding. It wouldn't matter to me what day it was, if someone in the family needs to go to the hospital, that becomes the new priority for me.

It seems to me if "Perfect" is actually still thinking about that day and it bothers her, or The Witch is using it as another reason to hate me, then Husband needs to fix it. I don't feel like I did anything wrong and I shouldn't be continually punished for needing to go to the hospital because it was someone's birthday.

If anything Husband should feel sorry for how much he hurt me as well.

Oh, no I forgot, Husband doesn't say he's sorry.

Responses to Counselor Email

Reponse from Husband and I to the Counselor and The Witch (since we were asked to include everyone in counselor emails)

"Stepped and I (Husband) are ready and willing to meet with you and The Witch to discuss how to more effectively co-parent. Our specific thoughts for the discussion would be to:

*go over our household rules so there is no ambiguity

*gain a clearer understanding of The Witch's household rules

*come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's household rules, even those that differ

*create unity for the children, all parents working together in the kids best interest

We are available to meet next week in the evenings after 4:30. Or the following week from Wednesday on we are open anytime."



Reponse from The Witch sent only to Husband:

"Husband,
you are missing the problem. the problem is not in my household or about rules. the problem is with Stepped. Trouble does not want
to be around her at all. has nothing to do with his dislike for the rules. until you understand that there is little point talking about co-parenting. which I do not attend to do with her. I will coparent with you which I feel has been great, but not with Stepped. how can you talk about coparenting with someone who tells both my children all the time that your house is not theirs, yells and cusses all the time and then be involved in church activities. I will not be be involved with someone like that. I don't need that in my life or my kids life. I am willing to talk with you and discuss our children but that's it. I still think the goal for FAMILY therapy is to get Trouble involved and
talk to him about his problems. This is supposed to be about him, not my household."


So, there you have it. Did I predict this right or what?! Her view of me is so totally skewed I don't even know what to say really. Her discription of me sounds like a stranger because that is certainly not accurate.

We forwarded her message to the counselor and hope that maybe he can help but I doubt it. The Witch is the witch.

I have a question. Is it natural for me to now feel like I don't even want to be around "Perfect" either? If she too is telling her mom that I yell and cuss all the time and so on, what would be her reason for telling those lies? I get why Trouble is doing it, he's trying to get his mom on his side to hate me, but I've never been under the impression that "Perfect" also felt that way. I always thought she at least respected me and that we got along for the most part. I really didn't know that she too disliked me. That really makes me feel bad.