Continued from Parts 1 and 2...
Trouble has gotten really creative since the November Sunday drama, in order to get his way, and has figured out how to get Husband and The Witch to comply with whatever he wants.
One evening we were playing cards at the table and Trouble continued to turn his music up louder and louder while he sat in the other room on the computer. After quite a few attempts to get him to join us, he finally came to the table, but still refused to play. He brought his ipod and his phone with him and sat there texting. Again, the music gradually got louder and Husband asked him to turn it down and to put his phone away for a little while to at least join in the conversation with the family. He refused, and I said something to Trouble about listening to his father. Trouble yelled at me and told me that I can't tell him what to do. From what we have gathered since that time he was texting The Witch making fun of us and complaining that we were being mean to him and not allowing him to listen to his music. When Husband left to pick up "Perfect" from her band competition, Trouble went with him and asked to go back home to The Witch. Husband took Trouble home. The Witch told Husband the next day, after getting the scoop on what happened, that Trouble doesn't like to play cards, so it's unfair of us to ask him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Husband was waiting for Trouble to get something from The Witch's house one evening and was listening to Trouble's ipod. A song came on using derrogatory words about the female genitalia, which caused Husband to start checking out the rest of Trouble's song library. Husband found a large list of songs with foul language and strong sexual content. Husband took the ipod for the rest of the weekend and returned it to The Witch and asked her to check out the songs for herself, with the intent that she would delete those that are innappropriate. The Witch never looked at the ipod and a few weeks later "Perfect" took the ipod and cleaned up the song library. So, in this case "Perfect" should probably be written as Perfect, as she truly has a good heart.
In December The Witch found that Trouble had been getting naked pictures of a girl at school, from the girl herself. (They are in 8th grade) This was the same week Trouble threw and eraser at his teacher. Trouble was grounded from his phone and the computer. That weekend he came to our house and we had a serious talk with him about his recent behavior. Trouble had been complaining to The Witch about being old enough to make his own choices and therefore doesn't have to follow the rules we have at our house. The Witch agreed that Trouble was old enough for these responsibilities, since it meant rules at our house and not hers. However, when we talked with Trouble it was to let him know that while we want to respect his right to make choices for himself, when he starts making really stupid choices, he loses that respect. So, for the weekend he would need to do the things we asked of him to earn some trust back. He was in agreement or probably compliance. After a day Husband decided Trouble had earned trust, and allowed Trouble to go to a social event with friends. Trouble called to say he was gettng a ride home from a friend. The friend was the "naked" girl and her sister. I was pissed but Husband said nothing because he didn't want Trouble to call his mom to come and pick him up.
We have a rule that there is no TV, cell phones, game systems, toys... at the dinner table. We eat as a family and this is our time to put away the distractions. Trouble 99% of the time, does not obey this rule and Husband rarely says anything because he's afraid Trouble will call The Witch to come and pick him up.
When Trouble wants to go to the mall, or the movies, or out with friends even if it conflicts with our plans, Husband will take Trouble, so that Trouble won't call The Witch to come and pick him up.
Yes, this has become a pattern over two short months and we have lost all control over our home and any and every situation that doesn't comply with what Trouble wants. The Witch can't come and pick Trouble up anymore, so now when Trouble calls The Witch, it ends with Husband and The Witch getting into a fight. Trouble is now the innocent victim to The Witch and she can't come and save him from big bad Husband and wicked Stepmom. I can only imagine the conversations that take place between The Witch and Trouble when he gets home on Sunday evenings.
Continued...
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You come across as very resentful of the kids...mostly Trouble. I know they can test our patience to the limit at times, but they are also just kids. Maybe he senses your resentment and that causes him to act out.
ReplyDeleteYou also seem resentful of your husband's actions when dealing with his kids. Which is going to make it a very sore spot in your marriage.
Step back, and see if there is anything you can do to make the situation better. JMO
Im sorry BUT...are you kidding me? Your husband wont enforce your house rules? You are never going to get any respect from the kids if you dont enforce the rules. Your husband is an adult and needs to start acting like an adult.
ReplyDeleteTake these items away when they come into the house. With, obviously, the understanding that you can have them back when you leave.
I get that you dont want to aliente a child, BUT seriously...i hope you can get it through your husbands head that he is the adult and needs to enforce rules because they are CHILDREN!
But then again, when i was married my steps hated me because i made my hubby be an adult! Kids dont always get what they want, my mother taught that to me from an early age. And if a fit is thrown well then there you go, perfect example of what a child is.
Sorry JMO
Thanks for your comment.
ReplyDeleteWe have tried to take away the phone or the ipod or whatever nut to take them away it is by force or it does not happen. The thing is that while Husband really does want to the adults to be in charge he is also very worried about hurting his son,and I do respect how he feels. Husband waited too long to start being a parent and Trouble simply doesn't respect Husband anymore.
And when we do try to implement a discipline of sorts, like no ipod for the rest of the night since you can't keep the volume at an acceptable level, Trouble calls The Witch and we end up in a HUGE battle with her as well.
Anyway, another post is coming, the final one. We are going to talk to a counselor, starting tonight, and I really hope we can find a way to communicate and work things out between us.
I have stepped back for nearly 4 years and it has not been helpful to Husband, Trouble or any of the rest of us involved. I wish I had gotten involved YEARS ago,rather than only now. It's much easier to correct a 9 year old then a 14 year old. Husband was not dealing with his son in the way he should, and Husband will admit it straight out now.
ReplyDeleteAm I resentful? Oh yes. Every one of us feels resentful for the ways things have gone down around here. Trouble has taken over and that hurts the entire family. Trouble was like this years before I ever came around, so he is who he is. It's not because of me personally.
And I do resent Husband for not stepping up and parenting. It's been a problem for us, and we've gone to marriage counselling about that already. Husband and I are now on the same page, but it took a while to get there and it was hard for Husband. Actually it still is hard for him, but we talk about things now and we come together first. It helps our marriage to know that we are united.
But it certainly doesn't help Trouble to now have Husband united with me. It's made it much, much worse.
My story is a backgroud of where we have been so that when I post where we are now, it will make more sense. Plus it was nice to get my feelings out. I needed that.
I think you need to detach at some point with 'not my kid, not my problem' and try and work on your relationship with hubby.
ReplyDeleteYes, his behavior affects the entire family. Just as when something happens with one of the other kids, it affects the whole family. My oldest daughter affected the whole family for years. From theft, to attitude, to outright mental illness, to drug abuse issues. But my youngest also affected the whole family by being involved in sports and the time and money that involved.
ReplyDeleteI think what Dee was commenting on is that he is just a child. Whatever mistakes might have been made parenting him - are not his fault. He is doing what he learned will work. All manipulate. He has found what will work for him to get attention or his own way and he's playing it. We, as adults, have to be able to recognize these things and not get resentful at the children. I realize that you seem to be stressed but try not to resent the child. He is just a child.
We are waaayy past not my kid not my problem. That's what I've been doing and it wasn't going well. Keep reading. I think we are coming to a silver lining.
ReplyDeleteYou are right Amy. I totally agree that the parenting mistakes are not his fault. I really do get that. You all are getting to read my drama, so that I can get it out and start to move past it to come to a better life for all. Keeping it inside and never expressing how I feel, has made things worse, so I'm doing what I can by letting it all out.
ReplyDelete