So guess what? Everyone was happier before I came along. Yes, the story of my fabulous marriage is that I make everyone else miserable. I've been told this over and over and over again. And yet again today, Husband had this exact conversation with The Witch. Everyone was happier before I came along, so now we have to go to counselling. It's all because of me.
Why are ex-wives sooooo mean? I really don't understand it. I truly don't. SHE left Husband for another man. She walked out on her marriage AND her two children!! She only has custody because she manipulated Husband (who really is blind to her and after 20 years you'd think he'd know her better). Did she bother to ask her kids if it was okay with them if she slept with another man and spent a year "finding herself"? Does she really think they were happy with that situation? That they were blissfully happy watching their home and parents fall apart? She's just sooo darn perfect that they love everything she's ever said and done? GIVE ME A BREAK!!
It sucks to be judged, critized, insulted, and emotionally beaten up. You know The Witch hasn't ever talked to me? I've never spent even 30 seconds in the same vacinity with her. And yet she knows all about me, who I am, and what I'm about because of what the steps have told her? Do you know how excited that makes me to ever want to be around the steps knowing that they bring all this gossip back to another woman who uses it against me?
I can't think of a time when I've had anyone, other than X, hate me. I get why X hated me, I left him (NOT for another man, I just left), but this woman doesn't even know me. She knows nothing really concrete about me, other then I married her ex-husband. Yet, she's determined to cause havoc in my life. I'm a human being. I'm a mom. I have three children, who are affected by all of this and will be devastated by another divorce. I have feelings, needs, and wants too. I don't understand what would cause another person to hate and want to destroy a person they don't even know. Or a person who wouldn't even think about how what she does affects other children. How could anyone be so eternally cruel?
I'm so angry right now. I really want to yell at the top of my lungs but the kids would be totally freaked out. They don't deserve to have a mom who is going to pieces.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
It was a good day but then...
After I wrote my earlier post today, I did a little housework and headed out to spend time with some friends. We made plans last week to see a movie and eat at the mall. We had a great time talking, and one of the ladies recently moved here, so it was fun getting to know someone new. The movie, When in Rome, wasn't all that great. It was cute but also silly. It didn't really matter though. We had fun.
I rushed home to pick up Baby Boy from school, along with two of his friends for a play date. When Soccer Boy got home, I spent some time with him as well. Drama Boy went to a friend's house so all I got was a phone call from him. I was really enjoying myself, and the kids were having fun hanging out with me too.
Then Husband (and "Perfect") came home and who knew that would turn into a mess? Certainly not me.
I went upstairs to talk to Husband and welcome him home, see how his day went and all that typical stuff. We got to talking about Husband calling to make our appointment with the counselor, and Husband said that he didn't make it because he couldn't get a hold of me. He made a point of getting my cell phone (which I had left at home on accident when I was out for the day) to show me that he had sent me a message trying to talk to me. The counselor was only available at certain times and he wanted to find out what time would work for me. Since I didn't answer him, he didn't make the appointment. All of which sounds reasonable and considerate, except I thought he wanted to take the appointment already in place for next week. The appointment where we were supposed to have a group session. We talked about that yesterday and I made all the arrangements with our insurance so that he could change the appointment from a group session to a session with just us. What was there to ask me about? Anyway, he obviously misunderstood, or I did, but either way there was a misunderstanding.
Husband was frustrated and told me that he doesn't want to have multiple appointments but would like to get to a resolution as soon as possible. He wants his son to come back over here in the next week or two. He also told me that I am bossy and that I'm just trying to get my way.
Honestly, I couldn't say anything. I was very surprised to hear that. I thought I was doing what he wanted and had asked me to do. He even made sure I had the right phone numbers and insurance information before he left for work today. This is certainly not how I want things. If I wanted to force my way, it would be that Trouble never come back over here again and Husband can spend time with him at the mall, or park, or movie theater or wherever, during his visitation. But I realize that is only in my best interest and not the best interest of Husband or Trouble. Going to counselling and trying to work with Trouble and The Witch is a royal pain. But because I love Husband and want Trouble to learn better ways of dealing with life, frustrations and jealousy, I'm a willing party. I'm really not sure how I am being bossy or trying to get my way.
Right now I feel very sensitive. It feels like I'm beaten up on a regular basis. I'm trying to have understanding for Trouble and The Witch in all their threats but I need to feel like Husband is supporting me just like I am supporting him. It hurts me very much when he says things like that. I need to hear that he loves and appreciates me.
So guess what? I'm now going to have to go downstairs and tell Husband that I love him and I'm sorry. Or I can stay up here and we can be angry with one another for the weekend. And of course if I stay up here and we are angry with one another, Husband will be sure to tell me how this is all my fault because of how I acted, that I always do this, that I treat him like crap...
I just need a hug sooo bad! I'd like to feel like I'm still loved even if I'm not perfect and that Husband feels bad about how he acted even if I didn't apologize first. Sometimes I think I'm not worthy of that because I've made too many mistakes.
I rushed home to pick up Baby Boy from school, along with two of his friends for a play date. When Soccer Boy got home, I spent some time with him as well. Drama Boy went to a friend's house so all I got was a phone call from him. I was really enjoying myself, and the kids were having fun hanging out with me too.
Then Husband (and "Perfect") came home and who knew that would turn into a mess? Certainly not me.
I went upstairs to talk to Husband and welcome him home, see how his day went and all that typical stuff. We got to talking about Husband calling to make our appointment with the counselor, and Husband said that he didn't make it because he couldn't get a hold of me. He made a point of getting my cell phone (which I had left at home on accident when I was out for the day) to show me that he had sent me a message trying to talk to me. The counselor was only available at certain times and he wanted to find out what time would work for me. Since I didn't answer him, he didn't make the appointment. All of which sounds reasonable and considerate, except I thought he wanted to take the appointment already in place for next week. The appointment where we were supposed to have a group session. We talked about that yesterday and I made all the arrangements with our insurance so that he could change the appointment from a group session to a session with just us. What was there to ask me about? Anyway, he obviously misunderstood, or I did, but either way there was a misunderstanding.
Husband was frustrated and told me that he doesn't want to have multiple appointments but would like to get to a resolution as soon as possible. He wants his son to come back over here in the next week or two. He also told me that I am bossy and that I'm just trying to get my way.
Honestly, I couldn't say anything. I was very surprised to hear that. I thought I was doing what he wanted and had asked me to do. He even made sure I had the right phone numbers and insurance information before he left for work today. This is certainly not how I want things. If I wanted to force my way, it would be that Trouble never come back over here again and Husband can spend time with him at the mall, or park, or movie theater or wherever, during his visitation. But I realize that is only in my best interest and not the best interest of Husband or Trouble. Going to counselling and trying to work with Trouble and The Witch is a royal pain. But because I love Husband and want Trouble to learn better ways of dealing with life, frustrations and jealousy, I'm a willing party. I'm really not sure how I am being bossy or trying to get my way.
Right now I feel very sensitive. It feels like I'm beaten up on a regular basis. I'm trying to have understanding for Trouble and The Witch in all their threats but I need to feel like Husband is supporting me just like I am supporting him. It hurts me very much when he says things like that. I need to hear that he loves and appreciates me.
So guess what? I'm now going to have to go downstairs and tell Husband that I love him and I'm sorry. Or I can stay up here and we can be angry with one another for the weekend. And of course if I stay up here and we are angry with one another, Husband will be sure to tell me how this is all my fault because of how I acted, that I always do this, that I treat him like crap...
I just need a hug sooo bad! I'd like to feel like I'm still loved even if I'm not perfect and that Husband feels bad about how he acted even if I didn't apologize first. Sometimes I think I'm not worthy of that because I've made too many mistakes.
Things are Looking Up
I'm feeling much better today after all of yesterday's bad news. I made some phone calls this morning and found out that Trouble's counselor is also on our insurance plan. So, we can see this man a few times for free and we don't have to be subjected to The Witch in order to do it. So Yeah! Husband is supposed to be calling to change next week's appointment from a group session to a session with just us. I'll need to find someone to pick up Baby Boy from school, but it will be worth it.
I also contacted Trouble's school counselor to set up an appointment for Husband to meet with her. Husband would like to talk to her before we go see the other counselor. So, he will be meeting with her Tuesday and then we should see the other guy on Wednesday. So Yeah again!
It's nice to feel like I have some control again. I really wasn't happy being dictated to by The Witch. And I'm glad to see Husband taking some control as well. He doesn't do that very often when it comes to The Witch or his kids. I can tell that all of this is very important to him.
I also contacted Trouble's school counselor to set up an appointment for Husband to meet with her. Husband would like to talk to her before we go see the other counselor. So, he will be meeting with her Tuesday and then we should see the other guy on Wednesday. So Yeah again!
It's nice to feel like I have some control again. I really wasn't happy being dictated to by The Witch. And I'm glad to see Husband taking some control as well. He doesn't do that very often when it comes to The Witch or his kids. I can tell that all of this is very important to him.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Hard Day with Benefits
Husband tried to talk to The Witch yesterday about the counselling appointment, but she was too busy to talk. Can you say coward?
Instead Husband sent a text and told her that he was disappointed that she didn't send him the appointment information so that he could be there and meet the counselor because he has wanted to get Trouble into counselling for a while now.
The Witch wrote back that this was her attorney's idea, not Husbands. Whatever. It probably was his/her suggestion but Husband talked to her about this before.
The Witch also said that Husband has no right to be there because this is HER insurance and that I (Stepped) had better be scared and better show up because I'm the one who needs the counselling, not Trouble. That if I don't show up, she will take us to court.
Yes, more threats. *sigh*
I started crying because I actually am scared. The Witch is really mean. I've seen the things she has done to her family members, so I know that there is evil in her. She hates me, so who knows what she is capable of.
Husband and I were also sent text messages from The Witch that Trouble had sent to her the night I smacked him. They were basically his telling of what happened. Husband and I weren't shocked when we read them, but I guess we were a little disappointed with Trouble's version. It really sounded bad and if that is what The Witch thinks happened, then it's no wonder she is totally freaking out. It seems when Husband talked to her, also that same night, she decided Husband was lying. Trouble made himself sound totally innocent and made me out to be a complete psycho. Like he was just sitting there in the bathroom and I came in and starting hitting him for no reason and all he could do was try to defend himself and tell me to stop. Um, no that is not right. Honestly, I can't understand why she would even believe such a story. It's just so far fetched. Wouldn't most people wonder what happened that would set someone off that they would want to hit another person? It seems very unreasonable that anyone would do something like that unprovoked. But there I go thinking she is reasonable, and of course she is not.
For the back story - Smackdown with Trouble
No phone call from the counselor today either which worries me. I really want to know what is going on.
Husband wants to talk to Trouble's school counselor and get some information from them, and he wants us to make our own appointment with this other counselor so we can talk to him alone, under our own insurance so we aren't subjected to The Witch. I think that sounds like a good idea. We really need to talk with him before we have a group meeting.
So, after about 3 hours with talk about Trouble and The Witch, I decided that it was time to put it to rest. I took Husband upstairs and we made love for an hour. A much better way to spend our time.
Instead Husband sent a text and told her that he was disappointed that she didn't send him the appointment information so that he could be there and meet the counselor because he has wanted to get Trouble into counselling for a while now.
The Witch wrote back that this was her attorney's idea, not Husbands. Whatever. It probably was his/her suggestion but Husband talked to her about this before.
The Witch also said that Husband has no right to be there because this is HER insurance and that I (Stepped) had better be scared and better show up because I'm the one who needs the counselling, not Trouble. That if I don't show up, she will take us to court.
Yes, more threats. *sigh*
I started crying because I actually am scared. The Witch is really mean. I've seen the things she has done to her family members, so I know that there is evil in her. She hates me, so who knows what she is capable of.
Husband and I were also sent text messages from The Witch that Trouble had sent to her the night I smacked him. They were basically his telling of what happened. Husband and I weren't shocked when we read them, but I guess we were a little disappointed with Trouble's version. It really sounded bad and if that is what The Witch thinks happened, then it's no wonder she is totally freaking out. It seems when Husband talked to her, also that same night, she decided Husband was lying. Trouble made himself sound totally innocent and made me out to be a complete psycho. Like he was just sitting there in the bathroom and I came in and starting hitting him for no reason and all he could do was try to defend himself and tell me to stop. Um, no that is not right. Honestly, I can't understand why she would even believe such a story. It's just so far fetched. Wouldn't most people wonder what happened that would set someone off that they would want to hit another person? It seems very unreasonable that anyone would do something like that unprovoked. But there I go thinking she is reasonable, and of course she is not.
For the back story - Smackdown with Trouble
No phone call from the counselor today either which worries me. I really want to know what is going on.
Husband wants to talk to Trouble's school counselor and get some information from them, and he wants us to make our own appointment with this other counselor so we can talk to him alone, under our own insurance so we aren't subjected to The Witch. I think that sounds like a good idea. We really need to talk with him before we have a group meeting.
So, after about 3 hours with talk about Trouble and The Witch, I decided that it was time to put it to rest. I took Husband upstairs and we made love for an hour. A much better way to spend our time.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I KNEW it, I just knew it
I'm starting to think that all ex-wives are carbon copies. Seriously. Everything I read from other bloggers about the little games and such that these women play, I seem to go through too. I truly don't get it. I wish I had known all of this stuff before I got involved in it. Maybe I would have gotten involved anyway, but my eyes would have been more open.
And here I say that, but I'm also an ex-wife. So, ladies, please remind of all this stuff if/when X decides to get off the couch and find someone to marry. I really don't want to be one of those women being complained about. I don't want to fall into the same insane patterns that all the other ex-wives fall into.
Last week The Witch cancelled the counselor appointment due to insurance. On Friday she set another appointment, and told Husband that her phone wasn't working so she would have to get him the information later.
Today Husband gets a text that Trouble had his appointment yesterday and we are all supposed to meet with the counselor next Tuesday at 2:00. Um... thanks?
Husband really want to be there for this first appointment. Not to be in the room or anything, but he wanted to meet the counselor, to show that he is there to support his son and also to be there to have a say in follow up appointments.
Of course The Witch knew that Husband was going to show up, since he tried to go last week, so she purposely didn't give him any of the information. Yes, I can see clearly now that she is quite controlling.
But it gets better...
She also said in her text that if we (meaning Husband and I) can't come to a resoultion, that she will have to take us to court and change the visitation arrangements.
Good grief. I do tire of the threats. I really do.
Husband and I have asked for her to work with us for about 6 months now. Ever since the first time Trouble ran away and hid from us when he didn't get his way. She completely refused to talk to us, well mostly me. Since she wouldn't go for working things out between all of us, Husband asked her if she would take Trouble to counselling. That was around Thanksgiving, after he was caught with the naked pictures of the girl from school. Of course that didn't happen. And now she tries to make it out like we are causing her problems? We've been trying to fix things with Trouble for some time now.
There is no way I can attend an appointment at 2:00. I have to pick up Baby Boy from school at 3:00. Plus Husband is at work during that time and Trouble is in school. I get that maybe the appointments need to be during the day, but The Witch can't schedule things for us, certainly not for me, without consulting us first.
I'm also frustrated that the counselor is immediately wanting to meet with all of us. She hasn't even talked to Husband and I yet. What is that all about? It makes me really nervous. I'd like a chance to meet with the counselor first.
I had Husband call the counselor to find out how the appointment went, what she would like to discuss next week and of course to get the day/time changed since 2:00 will not work for me. He had to leave a message. I hope that her office calls back tomorrow. I think Husband should know what is going on. Don't you?
And here I say that, but I'm also an ex-wife. So, ladies, please remind of all this stuff if/when X decides to get off the couch and find someone to marry. I really don't want to be one of those women being complained about. I don't want to fall into the same insane patterns that all the other ex-wives fall into.
Last week The Witch cancelled the counselor appointment due to insurance. On Friday she set another appointment, and told Husband that her phone wasn't working so she would have to get him the information later.
Today Husband gets a text that Trouble had his appointment yesterday and we are all supposed to meet with the counselor next Tuesday at 2:00. Um... thanks?
Husband really want to be there for this first appointment. Not to be in the room or anything, but he wanted to meet the counselor, to show that he is there to support his son and also to be there to have a say in follow up appointments.
Of course The Witch knew that Husband was going to show up, since he tried to go last week, so she purposely didn't give him any of the information. Yes, I can see clearly now that she is quite controlling.
But it gets better...
She also said in her text that if we (meaning Husband and I) can't come to a resoultion, that she will have to take us to court and change the visitation arrangements.
Good grief. I do tire of the threats. I really do.
Husband and I have asked for her to work with us for about 6 months now. Ever since the first time Trouble ran away and hid from us when he didn't get his way. She completely refused to talk to us, well mostly me. Since she wouldn't go for working things out between all of us, Husband asked her if she would take Trouble to counselling. That was around Thanksgiving, after he was caught with the naked pictures of the girl from school. Of course that didn't happen. And now she tries to make it out like we are causing her problems? We've been trying to fix things with Trouble for some time now.
There is no way I can attend an appointment at 2:00. I have to pick up Baby Boy from school at 3:00. Plus Husband is at work during that time and Trouble is in school. I get that maybe the appointments need to be during the day, but The Witch can't schedule things for us, certainly not for me, without consulting us first.
I'm also frustrated that the counselor is immediately wanting to meet with all of us. She hasn't even talked to Husband and I yet. What is that all about? It makes me really nervous. I'd like a chance to meet with the counselor first.
I had Husband call the counselor to find out how the appointment went, what she would like to discuss next week and of course to get the day/time changed since 2:00 will not work for me. He had to leave a message. I hope that her office calls back tomorrow. I think Husband should know what is going on. Don't you?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
"My" Family
What does family actually mean? Is it blood relation? Those you live with? People who care about you? Do you have to see them regularly for family to apply?
Last night Husband was brushing his teeth getting ready for bed and I was running around getting Baby Boy settled down and ready for bed. It was the typical evening routine. Baby Boy picked up Husband's watch and was playing with it. He thought the clasp was cool and asked a lot of questions about how it worked and why it was made the way it was made. We answered all of his questions as he took it on and off of his wrist. As I was walking Baby Boy out of the bathroom to get him into bed he said to Husband:
"Can I have this watch after you die?"
I laughed. Baby Boy cracks me up with the things he thinks of sometimes.
Husband did not find this funny however and said very seriously:
"No. Someone in my family might want it."
Baby Boy wasn't phased and happily walked out of the room, while I looked back at Husband with shock and disgust.
After Baby Boy was tucked in, kisses were exchanged and he was on his way to dreamland, I got into bed next to Husband who asked me if I was mad at him. Um, YES!
But I said: "A little"
He said: "I'm sorry about the watch thing. I took that too seriously I guess. What should I have said?"
"You could have said, 'I don't know. Maybe'"
He agreed.
I thought of my next words carefully and said: "Baby Boy was only 2 when you came into his life. He doesn't know family to be anything different then how it is now. You are his family."
Husband was quiet. We snuggled together for a little while. Then husband said, a little choked up: "He is my family."
Last night Husband was brushing his teeth getting ready for bed and I was running around getting Baby Boy settled down and ready for bed. It was the typical evening routine. Baby Boy picked up Husband's watch and was playing with it. He thought the clasp was cool and asked a lot of questions about how it worked and why it was made the way it was made. We answered all of his questions as he took it on and off of his wrist. As I was walking Baby Boy out of the bathroom to get him into bed he said to Husband:
"Can I have this watch after you die?"
I laughed. Baby Boy cracks me up with the things he thinks of sometimes.
Husband did not find this funny however and said very seriously:
"No. Someone in my family might want it."
Baby Boy wasn't phased and happily walked out of the room, while I looked back at Husband with shock and disgust.
After Baby Boy was tucked in, kisses were exchanged and he was on his way to dreamland, I got into bed next to Husband who asked me if I was mad at him. Um, YES!
But I said: "A little"
He said: "I'm sorry about the watch thing. I took that too seriously I guess. What should I have said?"
"You could have said, 'I don't know. Maybe'"
He agreed.
I thought of my next words carefully and said: "Baby Boy was only 2 when you came into his life. He doesn't know family to be anything different then how it is now. You are his family."
Husband was quiet. We snuggled together for a little while. Then husband said, a little choked up: "He is my family."
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Trouble and Counselling
Husband told me that another appointment has been made for Trouble to attend counselling this coming week. I'm glad that The Witch didn't wait too long. I feel anxious to get things going and I'm actually looking forward to our turn to talk to the counselor. It sure will feel good to get things out in the open with someone I feel could be a very beneficial middle man.
There are many things that need to be said and discussed with not only Trouble but also The Witch. Things we haven't been able to get across to them on our own. I still have my doubts about how far The Witch will take counselling when she and Trouble are told that they play a part in all of this, because The Witch has told Husband several times that all the problems are because of me. But you never know. I think she really cares about her son and wants to do right by him, so maybe when the suggestions are coming from an outsider she will be more open to listening.
There are many things that need to be said and discussed with not only Trouble but also The Witch. Things we haven't been able to get across to them on our own. I still have my doubts about how far The Witch will take counselling when she and Trouble are told that they play a part in all of this, because The Witch has told Husband several times that all the problems are because of me. But you never know. I think she really cares about her son and wants to do right by him, so maybe when the suggestions are coming from an outsider she will be more open to listening.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Low Drama Life?
I've been reading Erin's Blog this week and I'm very inspired that they went from near separation to total fools in love. I don't know that Husband and I are near separation at this point. We've talked about it before but I think we both believe in marriage and want to do whatever it takes to work things out. But we have for sure lost that loving feeling. We function.
I was going to talk about Trouble getting rewarded with a new cell phone because he's been so good for The Witch lately. *she is so clueless
Instead I think I need to focus on what I can control, what I can do to change things around and figure out what actually matters to me and what I can let go. I could sure use less drama.
1. I don't like disorder or disorganization. It actually puts me in a foul mood when things are turned upside down. But I haven't taken much time for cleaning or oganizing. If I concentrate on the house, even one little corner of the house, each day, over a short period of time the house would be much more orderly. That is something I can control.
2. No more talk about Trouble at bedtime. I will have to get Husband on board with this, so it's not totally in my control, but I think that we will both sleep a lot better if we spend that time in positive engagement, rather then problem solving. I think Husband will be okay with this.
Bummer, only two things. I'm really in a funk right now. The drama has taken over. But one step at a time right? So, I need to eat, shower and find some part of this house to organize. I can do. Yes, I can!
I was going to talk about Trouble getting rewarded with a new cell phone because he's been so good for The Witch lately. *she is so clueless
Instead I think I need to focus on what I can control, what I can do to change things around and figure out what actually matters to me and what I can let go. I could sure use less drama.
1. I don't like disorder or disorganization. It actually puts me in a foul mood when things are turned upside down. But I haven't taken much time for cleaning or oganizing. If I concentrate on the house, even one little corner of the house, each day, over a short period of time the house would be much more orderly. That is something I can control.
2. No more talk about Trouble at bedtime. I will have to get Husband on board with this, so it's not totally in my control, but I think that we will both sleep a lot better if we spend that time in positive engagement, rather then problem solving. I think Husband will be okay with this.
Bummer, only two things. I'm really in a funk right now. The drama has taken over. But one step at a time right? So, I need to eat, shower and find some part of this house to organize. I can do. Yes, I can!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Mom Knows Best
I was right about Drama Boy. He called me after school to ask if he could go to his best friend's house. I knew he wasn't sick. Well, some congestion, but not stay home from school sick.
I'm starting to feel congested too. I wonder if it's allergies? The weather has been a lot warmer lately, so I'll bet that's it. Tonight we all get a round of allergy medicine. Maybe that will make for a better Friday morning.
I'm starting to feel congested too. I wonder if it's allergies? The weather has been a lot warmer lately, so I'll bet that's it. Tonight we all get a round of allergy medicine. Maybe that will make for a better Friday morning.
Drama Boy being Himself
My biological middle child is my dramatic one. Everything is over the top with him, and I can't say that I'm not like that at times myself, so maybe that lovely trait of his comes from me. :-)
Today Drama Boy is suffering from "Idon'twanttogotoschoolitis". He does have a bit of a head cold, so I understand when his throat is sore in the mornings. But we are talking about full on fits about how he's going to die if I send him to school and I'm so mean and he didn't get any sleep last night and he's going to fall asleep in class and get detention... There was probably more but I start tuning out after a while.
I don't fall for these dramatics very easily. I gave him a small dose of decongestant and a handful of throat losenges, and I sent him to school.
When he gets home tonight, I'm sure this life threatening disease will be cured, and he will be off to hang out with his best friend.
Today Drama Boy is suffering from "Idon'twanttogotoschoolitis". He does have a bit of a head cold, so I understand when his throat is sore in the mornings. But we are talking about full on fits about how he's going to die if I send him to school and I'm so mean and he didn't get any sleep last night and he's going to fall asleep in class and get detention... There was probably more but I start tuning out after a while.
I don't fall for these dramatics very easily. I gave him a small dose of decongestant and a handful of throat losenges, and I sent him to school.
When he gets home tonight, I'm sure this life threatening disease will be cured, and he will be off to hang out with his best friend.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Appointment Cancelled
Darn it! The counselor The Witch chose isn't covered by her insurance company. So she cancelled the appointment. She didn't bother to tell us though. Husband found out when he got to the counselor's office. So far no new person has been found. I was really hoping to get the ball rolling. Shoot!
Smackdown with Trouble - Final
...Continued from Parts 1, 2 and 3
That entire back story leads me to today and our first appointment with a counselor. I felt like I needed to write it all down, as what happens next should not really come as a complete surprise. It's been over 4 years in the making and while I am not completely proud of what I am about to say, I do feel that if the result is an eye opening experience for The Witch and for Trouble, then it was worth it.
A few weekends ago, New Years weekend, Trouble and "Perfect" were visiting. "Perfect" wanted to attend the church New Years party for teens. Trouble however, wanted to go to a friend's house. We do not know this friend, nor have we heard of him, so I was skeptical. However, do to previous experience, Husband wouldn't say no, or even question Trouble about his plans. All Husband asked was that Trouble call him if he decided to go somewhere else.
The next day Husband talked to Trouble and found out that Trouble had attended a party at someone elses house. The girl who had the party is friend's with Soccer Boy also, and had been bragging about her unchaperoned party on Facebook. - What happens here is based on what Husband told me. I was not in the car. - Husband was very upset about this information and when he picked up Trouble, he asked if there were adults at the party. Trouble was defensive and yelled at his dad, saying that there were a lot of adults there. One of them was "Perfect's" best friend's dad, whom we know. Husband also told Trouble that he was supposed to call to let Husband know if he was going somewhere that night and wanted an apology. Trouble got really mad, and when they got home Trouble locked himself in the bathroom. Husband called the dad we know, and confirmed that there were adults at the party all night.
I had been making plans to go watch a movie with "Perfect" and her best friend, and Husband and Trouble when they got home. Since Trouble locked himself in the bathroom and was throwing a fit, I thought we should go without him, but Husband wanted to take him. Husband was really angry so I decided to knock on the bathroom door to invite Trouble to come to the movie with us.
I said stop throwing a fit, that Husband was worried about him because that is Husband's job, it was obviously a misunderstanding and to come out so we could go to watch a movie. Trouble turned his music blaring loud so he didn't have to listen to me. I knocked on the door several times and told him to come out. When he didn't, I got mad.
I asked Husband to get the key to unlock the bathroom door. Once the door was open, I pushed Husband out of the bathroom and I locked the door. I totally yelled at Trouble, got right in his face and gave him a piece of my mind. I have no idea what I said. I do know I was not swearing but other then that, I don't know, but I was really pissed off.
Husband was freaking out on the other side of the door telling Trouble not to hurt me. In order to understand this you'd have to know that I am very tiny. I weigh less then 100lbs and I'm short. Trouble is as big as Husband, and since Trouble has punched kids before, I can see why Husband would be worried. However, I was the one in control in that bathroom. I think Trouble was shocked along with being pissed off. We were probably in the bathroom less than a minute.
Trouble made his way out of the bathroom and unto the hall. I continued to yell at Trouble and this time I know I was telling him that this is my house, it's my rules and that he is not going to push us around anymore. I am in charge and I don't care if he likes it or not, but that he will do what I say, when I say it. Trouble was seriously glaring at me, and was mouthy. He told me he didn't have to listen to me. That I don't know anything. That I can't tell him what to do. That if I don't like it, I can send him home. And somewhere in all of that, I slapped his face. I know after I did that I said specifically "I don't give a crap if you and I have a relationship, but I do care if you two do" meaning Trouble and Husband. I told Trouble to sit on his bed and listen to what Husband has to say and they needed to work things out. Then I left and took the dog for a walk in order to calm down.
As a side note, "Perfect's" friend must have thought she was in a crazy house. However, when I think about it, she acted perfectly normal when I came back. She and "Perfect" came into the kitchen to talk to me about the movie. I wonder what kind of drama she must see at her house?!
After Husband and Trouble talked things out, Trouble started texting The Witch and telling her that she needs to take me to court. The Witch called Husband and they had a calm conversation, which was very surprising to me, considering I just slapped her kid.
After all that we still went to the movie, only a later showing of it. Trouble didn't say a word on the drive, refused to eat dinner and went to the lobby of the theater for part of the time.
When we got home from the movie, Husband asked Trouble a question and Trouble ignored him. This set me off again, and I yelled at Trouble about listening to his dad and to answer Husband when he asks a question. Trouble told me to stop talking for Husband and I told Trouble that I thought we already made it clear that it's my house, my rules and my way. I had Husband and Trouble talk together again without me in the room.
The next day Trouble never came out of his room. He texted The Witch and told her he wasn't feeling well. The Witch called Husband to tell him that Trouble wasn't feeling well. I stayed out of it this time, but once Husband came downstairs after tending to the "illness" I told Husband that for future he should tell The Witch that if Trouble calls again, that she needs to tell Trouble to stop and to talk to Husband directly. Husband went out of his way all day taking up things to Trouble and even going to the store to get things for him. And guess what... Trouble wasn't sick. Yes, I know you saw that one coming. But Husband, was a pushover as usual.
Last week Husband got a call from The Witch. She demanded that Husband sign papers stating that he would no longer have visitations with Trouble and if he didn't sign she would take us to court for child abuse. Husband called me totally panicked wondering what to do. I told him that The Witch was being stupid because all a judge will do is tell us to go to counselling which is what Husband had told the Witch to set up several times over the last couple of months. I told him to call her bluff and tell her that he isn't signing anything and that he wants her to set up an appointment for as soon as possible. -- We would have done it but Trouble would never have gone if it was something we wanted. Plus The Witch can get counselling for free since her husband works for the city. It would cost us the full price and The Witch would then owe half. It makes the most logical sense for The Witch to do it.
And thankfully she made the appointment, but of course she insisted that Trouble isn't the one who needs to go, because he never acts like this at her house. Stepmom (Me) is the problem and needs counselling.
I agree that yelling at Trouble and slapping him was way over the top. I was out of control angry and I'm sure there are better ways to have handled things. I know that Husband and I need to learn how to deal with Trouble in a way that is positive for all of us, and I am very open to whatever the counselor suggests.
However, Trouble TOTALLY needs counselling and The Witch is in complete denial about her part in all of this. She has contributed to this insanity for years by allowing Trouble to be a victim rather then helping him to take responsibility for his part. And Trouble acts out in places other than in my home as well. If things don't go his way, he will throw a fit. He may not do it to The Witch but he certainly does with classmates, teachers and community members.
Husband and I have decided that Trouble has resented me moving into the house, and my kids taking over his room, and having to share his time, since the very beginning. Trouble has always thrown tantrums when he didn't get his way. This started long before I came into the picture and even The Witch agrees that he has always done this. Both The Witch and Husband have given into the trantrums in one way or another, but Husband stopped being as easy to push once I came along. I was the bad guy long before I ever did anything to warrant the title and I think I would have been the bad guy no matter what.
The fight that very first day over 4 years ago between Soccer Boy and Trouble, was due to Trouble not wanting to share his room or his game system. And Husband came to Trouble's rescue, with me and Soccer Boy being the bad guys. Trouble was never held accountable for anything that he did that day, nor any day since.
So, Trouble has the first appointment and I'd love to be a fly on that wall. I can only imagine the things he will tell this man about how terrible he's been treated by me and Husband. I really want this to be a step in the right direction. I have my doubts but I want to keep an open mind. Husband and I could certainly use a silver lining because our marriage, from day one, has been a major rollercoaster ride when it comes to Trouble.
That entire back story leads me to today and our first appointment with a counselor. I felt like I needed to write it all down, as what happens next should not really come as a complete surprise. It's been over 4 years in the making and while I am not completely proud of what I am about to say, I do feel that if the result is an eye opening experience for The Witch and for Trouble, then it was worth it.
A few weekends ago, New Years weekend, Trouble and "Perfect" were visiting. "Perfect" wanted to attend the church New Years party for teens. Trouble however, wanted to go to a friend's house. We do not know this friend, nor have we heard of him, so I was skeptical. However, do to previous experience, Husband wouldn't say no, or even question Trouble about his plans. All Husband asked was that Trouble call him if he decided to go somewhere else.
The next day Husband talked to Trouble and found out that Trouble had attended a party at someone elses house. The girl who had the party is friend's with Soccer Boy also, and had been bragging about her unchaperoned party on Facebook. - What happens here is based on what Husband told me. I was not in the car. - Husband was very upset about this information and when he picked up Trouble, he asked if there were adults at the party. Trouble was defensive and yelled at his dad, saying that there were a lot of adults there. One of them was "Perfect's" best friend's dad, whom we know. Husband also told Trouble that he was supposed to call to let Husband know if he was going somewhere that night and wanted an apology. Trouble got really mad, and when they got home Trouble locked himself in the bathroom. Husband called the dad we know, and confirmed that there were adults at the party all night.
I had been making plans to go watch a movie with "Perfect" and her best friend, and Husband and Trouble when they got home. Since Trouble locked himself in the bathroom and was throwing a fit, I thought we should go without him, but Husband wanted to take him. Husband was really angry so I decided to knock on the bathroom door to invite Trouble to come to the movie with us.
I said stop throwing a fit, that Husband was worried about him because that is Husband's job, it was obviously a misunderstanding and to come out so we could go to watch a movie. Trouble turned his music blaring loud so he didn't have to listen to me. I knocked on the door several times and told him to come out. When he didn't, I got mad.
I asked Husband to get the key to unlock the bathroom door. Once the door was open, I pushed Husband out of the bathroom and I locked the door. I totally yelled at Trouble, got right in his face and gave him a piece of my mind. I have no idea what I said. I do know I was not swearing but other then that, I don't know, but I was really pissed off.
Husband was freaking out on the other side of the door telling Trouble not to hurt me. In order to understand this you'd have to know that I am very tiny. I weigh less then 100lbs and I'm short. Trouble is as big as Husband, and since Trouble has punched kids before, I can see why Husband would be worried. However, I was the one in control in that bathroom. I think Trouble was shocked along with being pissed off. We were probably in the bathroom less than a minute.
Trouble made his way out of the bathroom and unto the hall. I continued to yell at Trouble and this time I know I was telling him that this is my house, it's my rules and that he is not going to push us around anymore. I am in charge and I don't care if he likes it or not, but that he will do what I say, when I say it. Trouble was seriously glaring at me, and was mouthy. He told me he didn't have to listen to me. That I don't know anything. That I can't tell him what to do. That if I don't like it, I can send him home. And somewhere in all of that, I slapped his face. I know after I did that I said specifically "I don't give a crap if you and I have a relationship, but I do care if you two do" meaning Trouble and Husband. I told Trouble to sit on his bed and listen to what Husband has to say and they needed to work things out. Then I left and took the dog for a walk in order to calm down.
As a side note, "Perfect's" friend must have thought she was in a crazy house. However, when I think about it, she acted perfectly normal when I came back. She and "Perfect" came into the kitchen to talk to me about the movie. I wonder what kind of drama she must see at her house?!
After Husband and Trouble talked things out, Trouble started texting The Witch and telling her that she needs to take me to court. The Witch called Husband and they had a calm conversation, which was very surprising to me, considering I just slapped her kid.
After all that we still went to the movie, only a later showing of it. Trouble didn't say a word on the drive, refused to eat dinner and went to the lobby of the theater for part of the time.
When we got home from the movie, Husband asked Trouble a question and Trouble ignored him. This set me off again, and I yelled at Trouble about listening to his dad and to answer Husband when he asks a question. Trouble told me to stop talking for Husband and I told Trouble that I thought we already made it clear that it's my house, my rules and my way. I had Husband and Trouble talk together again without me in the room.
The next day Trouble never came out of his room. He texted The Witch and told her he wasn't feeling well. The Witch called Husband to tell him that Trouble wasn't feeling well. I stayed out of it this time, but once Husband came downstairs after tending to the "illness" I told Husband that for future he should tell The Witch that if Trouble calls again, that she needs to tell Trouble to stop and to talk to Husband directly. Husband went out of his way all day taking up things to Trouble and even going to the store to get things for him. And guess what... Trouble wasn't sick. Yes, I know you saw that one coming. But Husband, was a pushover as usual.
Last week Husband got a call from The Witch. She demanded that Husband sign papers stating that he would no longer have visitations with Trouble and if he didn't sign she would take us to court for child abuse. Husband called me totally panicked wondering what to do. I told him that The Witch was being stupid because all a judge will do is tell us to go to counselling which is what Husband had told the Witch to set up several times over the last couple of months. I told him to call her bluff and tell her that he isn't signing anything and that he wants her to set up an appointment for as soon as possible. -- We would have done it but Trouble would never have gone if it was something we wanted. Plus The Witch can get counselling for free since her husband works for the city. It would cost us the full price and The Witch would then owe half. It makes the most logical sense for The Witch to do it.
And thankfully she made the appointment, but of course she insisted that Trouble isn't the one who needs to go, because he never acts like this at her house. Stepmom (Me) is the problem and needs counselling.
I agree that yelling at Trouble and slapping him was way over the top. I was out of control angry and I'm sure there are better ways to have handled things. I know that Husband and I need to learn how to deal with Trouble in a way that is positive for all of us, and I am very open to whatever the counselor suggests.
However, Trouble TOTALLY needs counselling and The Witch is in complete denial about her part in all of this. She has contributed to this insanity for years by allowing Trouble to be a victim rather then helping him to take responsibility for his part. And Trouble acts out in places other than in my home as well. If things don't go his way, he will throw a fit. He may not do it to The Witch but he certainly does with classmates, teachers and community members.
Husband and I have decided that Trouble has resented me moving into the house, and my kids taking over his room, and having to share his time, since the very beginning. Trouble has always thrown tantrums when he didn't get his way. This started long before I came into the picture and even The Witch agrees that he has always done this. Both The Witch and Husband have given into the trantrums in one way or another, but Husband stopped being as easy to push once I came along. I was the bad guy long before I ever did anything to warrant the title and I think I would have been the bad guy no matter what.
The fight that very first day over 4 years ago between Soccer Boy and Trouble, was due to Trouble not wanting to share his room or his game system. And Husband came to Trouble's rescue, with me and Soccer Boy being the bad guys. Trouble was never held accountable for anything that he did that day, nor any day since.
So, Trouble has the first appointment and I'd love to be a fly on that wall. I can only imagine the things he will tell this man about how terrible he's been treated by me and Husband. I really want this to be a step in the right direction. I have my doubts but I want to keep an open mind. Husband and I could certainly use a silver lining because our marriage, from day one, has been a major rollercoaster ride when it comes to Trouble.
Smackdown with Trouble - Part 3
Continued from Parts 1 and 2...
Trouble has gotten really creative since the November Sunday drama, in order to get his way, and has figured out how to get Husband and The Witch to comply with whatever he wants.
One evening we were playing cards at the table and Trouble continued to turn his music up louder and louder while he sat in the other room on the computer. After quite a few attempts to get him to join us, he finally came to the table, but still refused to play. He brought his ipod and his phone with him and sat there texting. Again, the music gradually got louder and Husband asked him to turn it down and to put his phone away for a little while to at least join in the conversation with the family. He refused, and I said something to Trouble about listening to his father. Trouble yelled at me and told me that I can't tell him what to do. From what we have gathered since that time he was texting The Witch making fun of us and complaining that we were being mean to him and not allowing him to listen to his music. When Husband left to pick up "Perfect" from her band competition, Trouble went with him and asked to go back home to The Witch. Husband took Trouble home. The Witch told Husband the next day, after getting the scoop on what happened, that Trouble doesn't like to play cards, so it's unfair of us to ask him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Husband was waiting for Trouble to get something from The Witch's house one evening and was listening to Trouble's ipod. A song came on using derrogatory words about the female genitalia, which caused Husband to start checking out the rest of Trouble's song library. Husband found a large list of songs with foul language and strong sexual content. Husband took the ipod for the rest of the weekend and returned it to The Witch and asked her to check out the songs for herself, with the intent that she would delete those that are innappropriate. The Witch never looked at the ipod and a few weeks later "Perfect" took the ipod and cleaned up the song library. So, in this case "Perfect" should probably be written as Perfect, as she truly has a good heart.
In December The Witch found that Trouble had been getting naked pictures of a girl at school, from the girl herself. (They are in 8th grade) This was the same week Trouble threw and eraser at his teacher. Trouble was grounded from his phone and the computer. That weekend he came to our house and we had a serious talk with him about his recent behavior. Trouble had been complaining to The Witch about being old enough to make his own choices and therefore doesn't have to follow the rules we have at our house. The Witch agreed that Trouble was old enough for these responsibilities, since it meant rules at our house and not hers. However, when we talked with Trouble it was to let him know that while we want to respect his right to make choices for himself, when he starts making really stupid choices, he loses that respect. So, for the weekend he would need to do the things we asked of him to earn some trust back. He was in agreement or probably compliance. After a day Husband decided Trouble had earned trust, and allowed Trouble to go to a social event with friends. Trouble called to say he was gettng a ride home from a friend. The friend was the "naked" girl and her sister. I was pissed but Husband said nothing because he didn't want Trouble to call his mom to come and pick him up.
We have a rule that there is no TV, cell phones, game systems, toys... at the dinner table. We eat as a family and this is our time to put away the distractions. Trouble 99% of the time, does not obey this rule and Husband rarely says anything because he's afraid Trouble will call The Witch to come and pick him up.
When Trouble wants to go to the mall, or the movies, or out with friends even if it conflicts with our plans, Husband will take Trouble, so that Trouble won't call The Witch to come and pick him up.
Yes, this has become a pattern over two short months and we have lost all control over our home and any and every situation that doesn't comply with what Trouble wants. The Witch can't come and pick Trouble up anymore, so now when Trouble calls The Witch, it ends with Husband and The Witch getting into a fight. Trouble is now the innocent victim to The Witch and she can't come and save him from big bad Husband and wicked Stepmom. I can only imagine the conversations that take place between The Witch and Trouble when he gets home on Sunday evenings.
Continued...
Trouble has gotten really creative since the November Sunday drama, in order to get his way, and has figured out how to get Husband and The Witch to comply with whatever he wants.
One evening we were playing cards at the table and Trouble continued to turn his music up louder and louder while he sat in the other room on the computer. After quite a few attempts to get him to join us, he finally came to the table, but still refused to play. He brought his ipod and his phone with him and sat there texting. Again, the music gradually got louder and Husband asked him to turn it down and to put his phone away for a little while to at least join in the conversation with the family. He refused, and I said something to Trouble about listening to his father. Trouble yelled at me and told me that I can't tell him what to do. From what we have gathered since that time he was texting The Witch making fun of us and complaining that we were being mean to him and not allowing him to listen to his music. When Husband left to pick up "Perfect" from her band competition, Trouble went with him and asked to go back home to The Witch. Husband took Trouble home. The Witch told Husband the next day, after getting the scoop on what happened, that Trouble doesn't like to play cards, so it's unfair of us to ask him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Husband was waiting for Trouble to get something from The Witch's house one evening and was listening to Trouble's ipod. A song came on using derrogatory words about the female genitalia, which caused Husband to start checking out the rest of Trouble's song library. Husband found a large list of songs with foul language and strong sexual content. Husband took the ipod for the rest of the weekend and returned it to The Witch and asked her to check out the songs for herself, with the intent that she would delete those that are innappropriate. The Witch never looked at the ipod and a few weeks later "Perfect" took the ipod and cleaned up the song library. So, in this case "Perfect" should probably be written as Perfect, as she truly has a good heart.
In December The Witch found that Trouble had been getting naked pictures of a girl at school, from the girl herself. (They are in 8th grade) This was the same week Trouble threw and eraser at his teacher. Trouble was grounded from his phone and the computer. That weekend he came to our house and we had a serious talk with him about his recent behavior. Trouble had been complaining to The Witch about being old enough to make his own choices and therefore doesn't have to follow the rules we have at our house. The Witch agreed that Trouble was old enough for these responsibilities, since it meant rules at our house and not hers. However, when we talked with Trouble it was to let him know that while we want to respect his right to make choices for himself, when he starts making really stupid choices, he loses that respect. So, for the weekend he would need to do the things we asked of him to earn some trust back. He was in agreement or probably compliance. After a day Husband decided Trouble had earned trust, and allowed Trouble to go to a social event with friends. Trouble called to say he was gettng a ride home from a friend. The friend was the "naked" girl and her sister. I was pissed but Husband said nothing because he didn't want Trouble to call his mom to come and pick him up.
We have a rule that there is no TV, cell phones, game systems, toys... at the dinner table. We eat as a family and this is our time to put away the distractions. Trouble 99% of the time, does not obey this rule and Husband rarely says anything because he's afraid Trouble will call The Witch to come and pick him up.
When Trouble wants to go to the mall, or the movies, or out with friends even if it conflicts with our plans, Husband will take Trouble, so that Trouble won't call The Witch to come and pick him up.
Yes, this has become a pattern over two short months and we have lost all control over our home and any and every situation that doesn't comply with what Trouble wants. The Witch can't come and pick Trouble up anymore, so now when Trouble calls The Witch, it ends with Husband and The Witch getting into a fight. Trouble is now the innocent victim to The Witch and she can't come and save him from big bad Husband and wicked Stepmom. I can only imagine the conversations that take place between The Witch and Trouble when he gets home on Sunday evenings.
Continued...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Smackdown with Trouble - Part 2
So, fast forward to 4 years later, and now these kids are teenagers. Well, not Baby Boy, but everyone else is.
Since that fateful day, the day I should have put all my boxes back into the moving truck and found an apartment, the day I realized I stepped in hell, the drama with Trouble has continued. Thankfully it is not drama between Soccer Boy and Trouble, who acted like nothing ever happened that day, but between Trouble and me. And to be fair, it also began the drama between Husband and me as well.
Trouble learned that day, that if he can tell the story good enough, that Husband will believe him, and Husband and I will end up in a fight, leaving Trouble scott free from consequences for his actions.
It was also the start of Trouble calling The Witch, complaining about me to The Witch and the The Witch coming to his rescue. Sometimes literally picking him up and taking him home to "protect" him from me.
Trouble has run away from our home a few times and called his mom from his "hiding place" to pick him up. He has punched a kid at school in the face. He threw an eraser at his teacher during class. He got into an argument with school staff over his lunch tray in the cafeteria. He threw pool furniture into the community swimming pool. He pushed Soccer Boy down on the patio and Soccer Boy got stitches. I know there is more but I can't think of anything else. He's been suspended twice this year from school and had to do community service, through school, twice, but I only wrote two of the four reasons above. But I'm sure you get the picture.
In November my mother-in-law came to visit and Trouble told her privately all about how mean I am to him. How I never allow him to use his phone, ipod, the TV, computer or to play any video games. That I yell at him all the time and he hates coming to visit. My mother-in-law (MIL) was very sad for Trouble. Trouble indicated that he wanted to spend more time with Husband alone and that I am in the way.
The next day after their talk, Trouble and my MIL were talking in the livingroom. I was upstairs with Husband getting ready for church and the other kids ("Perfect" and Soccer Boy) were in the game room. My MIL went upstairs to get ready as well, and Trouble used the opportunity to run away from home, again, and hide where we couldn't find him. Trouble was calling The Witch who was calling us. We ended in all of us going to church without Trouble and The Witch picking him up. (Keep in mind Trouble is now 14 and we have a spare key in the backyard so he was not locked out nor too young to be home alone.)
Later that night MIL confessed all the things that Trouble had told her and she apologized for believing him and thinking bad things about me. It became obvious to MIL that Trouble was a good story teller and that the things he said were untrue and/or exaggerated.
Husband called The Witch and told her that she was not allowed to pick up Trouble from our home anymore during his visitation. The Witch was mad and called her lawyer who told her that Husband was right. Trouble was angry that he couldn't call The Witch whenever he felt like it and have her rescue him.
The pot was about the boil over and I knew something bad was going to come of it but I had no idea it would be this bad.
Continues...
Smackdown with Trouble - Part 1
Husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 4 1/2 of those years. When Husband and I were dating I got along with "Perfect" and Trouble just fine. They were 11 and 9 respectively, and "Perfect" seemed to be especially fond of me.
When Husband and I decided to get married we talked to "Perfect"and Trouble about what it would be like since we were concerned with them having a hard time sharing "their" house, toys and bedrooms especially. Even though the two kids were only with Husband for weekend visitations, the house is the same house they all lived in before The Witch decided to leave Husband for another man. It seemed like we should be concerned about how they would feel and make sure they understood what changes were in store.
Both "Perfect" and Trouble seemed okay with it, actually they seemed slightly disinterested, and while Husband and I did our best to have a conversation with them, they were mostly interested in getting outside to play with friends.
Prior to this conversation Husband and I spent many weekends together with all five of our kids and the kids got along for the most part. The Baby was only 2 at the time, so the other kids weren't terribly interested in him. But Soccer Boy, Drama Boy and Trouble all seemed to get along okay. "Perfect" is the only girl and the oldest so she mostly did her own thing.
Husband and I were completely shocked when things went south the very first day!
My mom was here helping me move into the house, and she stayed home with the kids while Husband and I went to work Monday morning. When I got home things seemed normal, we had dinner and Soccer Boy, Drama Boy, my nephew who was also here visiting, and Trouble went into the backyard to play. Husband was also outside in the driveway washinghis true love the car. My mom and I were talking in the livingroom and I don't remember where "Perfect" was. I'm thinking she wasn't here.
Without any warning, Drama Boy came into the house yelling that Trouble was going to kill Soccer Boy.
I ran outside to see Trouble cornering Soccer Boy and yelled at them to stop and to get into the house right now. My mom kept Drama Boy and nephew in the livingroom. Trouble went to his room and Soccer boy went to my room. Husband came inside at some point, maybe when I yelled but I don't remember. I do know he went to talk to Trouble.
After all the adults talked to the kids in seperate rooms to find out what happened, we talked together. Soccer Boy and Drama Boy (and my nephew) all told the same story. Trouble told a different story. My mom also added some background information about things that had happened earlier in the day.
To make a long story a little shorter, Trouble made himself out to be a victim, Husband believed Trouble. Soccer Boy was grounded for the night for his part in the fight. My mom was made out to be a liar by Trouble and Husband. Trouble didn't take responsibility for any part he played in the day's events. My nephew was so scared that he slept with my mom that night and Drama Boy spent the evening crying.
When Husband and I decided to get married we talked to "Perfect"and Trouble about what it would be like since we were concerned with them having a hard time sharing "their" house, toys and bedrooms especially. Even though the two kids were only with Husband for weekend visitations, the house is the same house they all lived in before The Witch decided to leave Husband for another man. It seemed like we should be concerned about how they would feel and make sure they understood what changes were in store.
Both "Perfect" and Trouble seemed okay with it, actually they seemed slightly disinterested, and while Husband and I did our best to have a conversation with them, they were mostly interested in getting outside to play with friends.
Prior to this conversation Husband and I spent many weekends together with all five of our kids and the kids got along for the most part. The Baby was only 2 at the time, so the other kids weren't terribly interested in him. But Soccer Boy, Drama Boy and Trouble all seemed to get along okay. "Perfect" is the only girl and the oldest so she mostly did her own thing.
Husband and I were completely shocked when things went south the very first day!
My mom was here helping me move into the house, and she stayed home with the kids while Husband and I went to work Monday morning. When I got home things seemed normal, we had dinner and Soccer Boy, Drama Boy, my nephew who was also here visiting, and Trouble went into the backyard to play. Husband was also outside in the driveway washing
Without any warning, Drama Boy came into the house yelling that Trouble was going to kill Soccer Boy.
I ran outside to see Trouble cornering Soccer Boy and yelled at them to stop and to get into the house right now. My mom kept Drama Boy and nephew in the livingroom. Trouble went to his room and Soccer boy went to my room. Husband came inside at some point, maybe when I yelled but I don't remember. I do know he went to talk to Trouble.
After all the adults talked to the kids in seperate rooms to find out what happened, we talked together. Soccer Boy and Drama Boy (and my nephew) all told the same story. Trouble told a different story. My mom also added some background information about things that had happened earlier in the day.
To make a long story a little shorter, Trouble made himself out to be a victim, Husband believed Trouble. Soccer Boy was grounded for the night for his part in the fight. My mom was made out to be a liar by Trouble and Husband. Trouble didn't take responsibility for any part he played in the day's events. My nephew was so scared that he slept with my mom that night and Drama Boy spent the evening crying.
Update - Husband and the Whine
Yesterday after husband came home from work, I did just as I said I would. I smiled and greeted him and acted like nothing happened. I thought I would be mad about it, but really it felt okay, so while I did find his whining irritating I guess I wasn't all that mad about it.
We had dinner and sat down on the couch. I was talking to Husband about some of the blog posts and comments I read during the day that really seemed to apply to us and just before I got up he told me that he was really sorry about how he acted last night.
I have to admit that this is very out of character for Husband. He has a hard time admitting when he has done something wrong, so for him to apologize out of the blue, was a total break through for him.
And last night we made love, just because I do love him, and it seemed like a good way to say "Thank you for saying I'm sorry." Afterward, he whispered to me that when I'm not in the mood he needs to try to remember that when I am it is sooo good and to have more patience.
I think it was worth sleeping on the couch one night.
We had dinner and sat down on the couch. I was talking to Husband about some of the blog posts and comments I read during the day that really seemed to apply to us and just before I got up he told me that he was really sorry about how he acted last night.
I have to admit that this is very out of character for Husband. He has a hard time admitting when he has done something wrong, so for him to apologize out of the blue, was a total break through for him.
And last night we made love, just because I do love him, and it seemed like a good way to say "Thank you for saying I'm sorry." Afterward, he whispered to me that when I'm not in the mood he needs to try to remember that when I am it is sooo good and to have more patience.
I think it was worth sleeping on the couch one night.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Reason for the Blog
I've had another blog for a little over a year now, but I've never felt free to write the truth about how I feel about being a stepmom and a wife of a man who already has children. It's not just the stepkids or their mom and her family or even my husband that I worry about. It's also that I feel like my own family and friends would be shocked to know how I truly feel. I have hidden behind a shield of "look how great life is" and I never felt comfortable coming out behind that shield. At the same time, I have really needed to open up about what is going on in this house, and that quite frankly, I don't like it very much. I want to say whatever I feel like saying, whenever I feel like typing it out without having to worry that someone will personally be upset with me for what I say.
For example, I had written in a post about Husband and his whining about sex on my other blog, well really, it was only a sentence about it not an entire post, and he totally and completely freaked out. He was sooo worried that "Perfect" might read it and he was horrified to have his daughter think he's a man with sexual needs. I think Husband yelled at me for two days about that post, so I finally deleted it.
Now I feel a freedom to express myself like I have never felt before. I've always liked writing out my feelings. It helps to get them down and to go back and read them again. I like that I have no worries about who reads this.
I've also found several stepmom blogs that have given me more comfort then I have felt in a long long time. None of my friends are dealing with the stepfamily issues. They are all in first marriages with biological children. How very lucky for them! But it sure makes me feel alone and I feel terribly guilty talking to them about my life. They have no clue what it's like. All they can do is say "That sounds like it would be hard and I'm sorry you are going through that?" Which I do appreciate but I'd like to know that I'm not the crazy evil woman that I'm made out to be a lot of the time.
So, here's to my new freedom of speech. I can finally tell it like it is. If I can't stand one of the steps I can say that I can't. And then next day I can take it all back without any added drama from Husband, The Witch or her family over my having a bad day!
For example, I had written in a post about Husband and his whining about sex on my other blog, well really, it was only a sentence about it not an entire post, and he totally and completely freaked out. He was sooo worried that "Perfect" might read it and he was horrified to have his daughter think he's a man with sexual needs. I think Husband yelled at me for two days about that post, so I finally deleted it.
Now I feel a freedom to express myself like I have never felt before. I've always liked writing out my feelings. It helps to get them down and to go back and read them again. I like that I have no worries about who reads this.
I've also found several stepmom blogs that have given me more comfort then I have felt in a long long time. None of my friends are dealing with the stepfamily issues. They are all in first marriages with biological children. How very lucky for them! But it sure makes me feel alone and I feel terribly guilty talking to them about my life. They have no clue what it's like. All they can do is say "That sounds like it would be hard and I'm sorry you are going through that?" Which I do appreciate but I'd like to know that I'm not the crazy evil woman that I'm made out to be a lot of the time.
So, here's to my new freedom of speech. I can finally tell it like it is. If I can't stand one of the steps I can say that I can't. And then next day I can take it all back without any added drama from Husband, The Witch or her family over my having a bad day!
Husband and the Whine
I have PMS at the moment, which means moody city! I'm taking some natural vitamins which do lessen the ups and downs. Prior to the vitamins, I had a constant knot in my stomach and that knot made me feel angry. I couldn't figure out what the anger was about. It seemed like anything could set me off. Now that I have these vitamins, the knot is gone and I no longer feel anger. The irritation has not gone away however, and it's at these moments when I really want to be left alone. I'm not interested in hugs, kisses, cuddles and certainly not sex!
The last time we made love was Thursday night. Since that time, the PMS of leave me alone, has set in. I've warned Husband about this but as each day has passed he is more whiney and clingy which only makes my irritation worse.
In the middle of the night Sunday, I woke up at 1:30am and tossed and turned for hours. I finally got up at 5:00am and went to downstairs. About 10 minutes later Husband came down to snuggle up to me. I seriously hated it. I wanted to be left alone, but I know I need to tread lightly in order not to hurt his feelings, so I said nothing. We went back to bed at 5:30am and I actually fell asleep.
Sometime in the 6:00 hour my arm fell asleep and I moved in order to let the blood flow again which woke Husband. Husband thought I was trying to come onto him, which I certainly was NOT. He must have asked me 3 or 4 times if I wanted him, until I finally pushed him away from me and told him that I just barely got back to sleep and no I was not interested.
Husband spent the rest of the day Sunday, hugging me, touching me, holding me, complaining at me that I don't want him around and so on and so forth. I have PMS!! Just leave me alone for a few days already!
Sunday night Husband never left my side and continued to ask me if I was ready for bed. Just after 10:00pm we went to bed and husband was literally attacking me. Hands up my shirt, hands down the back of my pants.... I kept removing his hands but he kept on trying.
I reminded him again that I was not interested. I have PMS and he needs to leave me alone for a few days. And this is where the whine set in.
Husband "It's been 3 days!"
Husband "I need to stop liking you so much."
Husband "Will you ever want to be with me again?"
Husband "Maybe if I stop liking you I won't want you anymore. Then you would be happy."
Husband "I'm tired of all this rejection."
Me "Seriously?! I have PMS. It will be a few more days. Stop acting like a baby."
Husband "Its always my fault. Stop talking to me and go to sleep."
Silence for several minutes.
Husband "You never want me. You always reject me. I'm tired of it. Why don't you go sleep in another room?"
Me "Okay, I will" Got up and picked up pillow.
Husband "Why don't we make this permanent?"
I went downstairs to sleep on the couch.
Husband is starting to get on my nerves. I'm doing my best to keep myself in check, as I get so tired of us arguing about things. But last night he was doing his best to push me over the top with all of the insecure, selfish whining. Really, it's a total turn off to me. I thought I was marrying a man. If one of us is going to act all emotional its supposed to be me right?!
At this point I feel a little used. If I don't have sex when Husband wants it then he wants a divorce? Really? What kind of statement is that? I realize he is being a total whiney baby and I know he doesn't mean what he said. It was all emotional non-sense. However, what kind of man says something so selfish? It's been 3 days!!! That is not an eternity.
When he comes home from work today, I will be required to act like nothing happened and give him smiles and hugs. I seriously resent that I have to do these things. But it beats the alternative of verbal bashings for the remainder of the evening about how terrible I am to him and about all of this rejection he is getting, that I don't love him and don't want him around.
Rejection has become a 4 letter word to me. Get over it Husband! Stop the whining and find something else to do to pass the time for a few days. All the whine is making me drunk enough to puke.
The last time we made love was Thursday night. Since that time, the PMS of leave me alone, has set in. I've warned Husband about this but as each day has passed he is more whiney and clingy which only makes my irritation worse.
In the middle of the night Sunday, I woke up at 1:30am and tossed and turned for hours. I finally got up at 5:00am and went to downstairs. About 10 minutes later Husband came down to snuggle up to me. I seriously hated it. I wanted to be left alone, but I know I need to tread lightly in order not to hurt his feelings, so I said nothing. We went back to bed at 5:30am and I actually fell asleep.
Sometime in the 6:00 hour my arm fell asleep and I moved in order to let the blood flow again which woke Husband. Husband thought I was trying to come onto him, which I certainly was NOT. He must have asked me 3 or 4 times if I wanted him, until I finally pushed him away from me and told him that I just barely got back to sleep and no I was not interested.
Husband spent the rest of the day Sunday, hugging me, touching me, holding me, complaining at me that I don't want him around and so on and so forth. I have PMS!! Just leave me alone for a few days already!
Sunday night Husband never left my side and continued to ask me if I was ready for bed. Just after 10:00pm we went to bed and husband was literally attacking me. Hands up my shirt, hands down the back of my pants.... I kept removing his hands but he kept on trying.
I reminded him again that I was not interested. I have PMS and he needs to leave me alone for a few days. And this is where the whine set in.
Husband "It's been 3 days!"
Husband "I need to stop liking you so much."
Husband "Will you ever want to be with me again?"
Husband "Maybe if I stop liking you I won't want you anymore. Then you would be happy."
Husband "I'm tired of all this rejection."
Me "Seriously?! I have PMS. It will be a few more days. Stop acting like a baby."
Husband "Its always my fault. Stop talking to me and go to sleep."
Silence for several minutes.
Husband "You never want me. You always reject me. I'm tired of it. Why don't you go sleep in another room?"
Me "Okay, I will" Got up and picked up pillow.
Husband "Why don't we make this permanent?"
I went downstairs to sleep on the couch.
Husband is starting to get on my nerves. I'm doing my best to keep myself in check, as I get so tired of us arguing about things. But last night he was doing his best to push me over the top with all of the insecure, selfish whining. Really, it's a total turn off to me. I thought I was marrying a man. If one of us is going to act all emotional its supposed to be me right?!
At this point I feel a little used. If I don't have sex when Husband wants it then he wants a divorce? Really? What kind of statement is that? I realize he is being a total whiney baby and I know he doesn't mean what he said. It was all emotional non-sense. However, what kind of man says something so selfish? It's been 3 days!!! That is not an eternity.
When he comes home from work today, I will be required to act like nothing happened and give him smiles and hugs. I seriously resent that I have to do these things. But it beats the alternative of verbal bashings for the remainder of the evening about how terrible I am to him and about all of this rejection he is getting, that I don't love him and don't want him around.
Rejection has become a 4 letter word to me. Get over it Husband! Stop the whining and find something else to do to pass the time for a few days. All the whine is making me drunk enough to puke.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Soccer Games - Oh the joy
I love to attend the events, activities, ceremonies, concerts and games for each of the kids. I'm for sure one of the kids biggest fans and I am the annoying mom who proudly and loudly cheers for her child. Well, maybe not at the concerts, since you aren't supposed to scream names.
Soccer Boy and Trouble play on the same soccer team for this winter season. Normally only Soccer Boy plays, since The Witch has excuse after excuse for why she misses sign up deadlines for Trouble. And I know you are thinking that Husband or I could sign him up, but I don't see us paying for these kind of things along with child support. Plus The Witch makes more money than we do, so Trouble needs to take her up on these things if he wants to play that badly. Anyway, back to the point. Soccer games are one of those events where I have both The Witch and X in the same place at the same time. I readily encourage all of us to attend these events for the kids, but Husband and I have double the discomfort, which isn't something I really thought about when I encouraged Trouble to be on our team.
X and I get along okay in the sense that we never talk to one another and when we do it is straight to the point and 99.9% of the time via email. Like "Did so and so leave this or that at your house?" or "Can we trade this weekend for that weekend?" X hasn't gotten married since we divorced, so at this point I don't have another stepmom to deal with, but I expect that someday that could change. However X would have to get a job before I would imagine him dating anyone. And if I had any current issue with X it would be that over two years of unemployment, no child support or medical insurance for the kids is getting really old. Last time I checked we are both responsible for the kids. But again, that isn't what this post is about.
The Witch and I do not get along even though we never talk to one another. It's strange how lack of communication can speak just as loud or even louder than actual communication. I've tried a few times to talk to her and she ends up throwing a fit and yelling at Husband because she "isn't obligated to talk to" me. Well, no, she isn't but I typically know what's going on around here so trying to go through Husband all the time gets super frustrating. I'm not big on using a middleman. But it is what it is. And again, that isn't what this post is about.
Soccer games have become one of those places where I am concerned about what I look like, where I am sitting, what I say, what I do and so on. It's strange to feel so self conscience in a place where all I want to do is let the kids know that I am there to support them.
Last night Husband missed half the game so I sat uncomfortably all by myself with The Witch on the next set of bleachers and X on the one just over from that. I'm glad that there are four sets of bleachers at this place, or it could be even worse. I was very glad when Husband showed up. Prior to his arrival I felt as obvious as if I were standing out on the field naked. It seems like his shield makes all the difference.
Thankfully there were no issues at this game. The Witch quietly took Trouble home, with no word to me from either of them. Yes, not even from Trouble. You will learn why if you keep reading my blog. Husband did talk to Trouble briefly. However, if Husband didn't approach Trouble, Trouble would leave without a word to Husband. I'd like to say it's simply the drama of teenagers but sadly, we have some serious issues here.
X and his sister stayed and talked to Soccer Boy for a while after the game was over and I patiently waited nearby. I am glad that Soccer Boy is polite to X and wants to go over plays, goals and mishaps of the games with X. But Soccer Boy doesn't spend very much time with X anymore at X's house. He's busy for one, but Soccer Boy sees X for the lazy person that he is and is irritated with it. I'm perfectly okay with Soccer Boy being home. He's a good kid most of the time, and I enjoy having him around. But I do worry about Soccer Boy not having a relationship with X. It's something I am concerned about and I try to encourage Soccer Boy to talk to X as often as he can.
And in case you were wondering, we lost the game. It was our first loss of the season. Total bummer. However, Soccer Boy assisted Trouble with our only goal of the game. I came home with a sore throat from all the cheering.
Soccer Boy and Trouble play on the same soccer team for this winter season. Normally only Soccer Boy plays, since The Witch has excuse after excuse for why she misses sign up deadlines for Trouble. And I know you are thinking that Husband or I could sign him up, but I don't see us paying for these kind of things along with child support. Plus The Witch makes more money than we do, so Trouble needs to take her up on these things if he wants to play that badly. Anyway, back to the point. Soccer games are one of those events where I have both The Witch and X in the same place at the same time. I readily encourage all of us to attend these events for the kids, but Husband and I have double the discomfort, which isn't something I really thought about when I encouraged Trouble to be on our team.
X and I get along okay in the sense that we never talk to one another and when we do it is straight to the point and 99.9% of the time via email. Like "Did so and so leave this or that at your house?" or "Can we trade this weekend for that weekend?" X hasn't gotten married since we divorced, so at this point I don't have another stepmom to deal with, but I expect that someday that could change. However X would have to get a job before I would imagine him dating anyone. And if I had any current issue with X it would be that over two years of unemployment, no child support or medical insurance for the kids is getting really old. Last time I checked we are both responsible for the kids. But again, that isn't what this post is about.
The Witch and I do not get along even though we never talk to one another. It's strange how lack of communication can speak just as loud or even louder than actual communication. I've tried a few times to talk to her and she ends up throwing a fit and yelling at Husband because she "isn't obligated to talk to" me. Well, no, she isn't but I typically know what's going on around here so trying to go through Husband all the time gets super frustrating. I'm not big on using a middleman. But it is what it is. And again, that isn't what this post is about.
Soccer games have become one of those places where I am concerned about what I look like, where I am sitting, what I say, what I do and so on. It's strange to feel so self conscience in a place where all I want to do is let the kids know that I am there to support them.
Last night Husband missed half the game so I sat uncomfortably all by myself with The Witch on the next set of bleachers and X on the one just over from that. I'm glad that there are four sets of bleachers at this place, or it could be even worse. I was very glad when Husband showed up. Prior to his arrival I felt as obvious as if I were standing out on the field naked. It seems like his shield makes all the difference.
Thankfully there were no issues at this game. The Witch quietly took Trouble home, with no word to me from either of them. Yes, not even from Trouble. You will learn why if you keep reading my blog. Husband did talk to Trouble briefly. However, if Husband didn't approach Trouble, Trouble would leave without a word to Husband. I'd like to say it's simply the drama of teenagers but sadly, we have some serious issues here.
X and his sister stayed and talked to Soccer Boy for a while after the game was over and I patiently waited nearby. I am glad that Soccer Boy is polite to X and wants to go over plays, goals and mishaps of the games with X. But Soccer Boy doesn't spend very much time with X anymore at X's house. He's busy for one, but Soccer Boy sees X for the lazy person that he is and is irritated with it. I'm perfectly okay with Soccer Boy being home. He's a good kid most of the time, and I enjoy having him around. But I do worry about Soccer Boy not having a relationship with X. It's something I am concerned about and I try to encourage Soccer Boy to talk to X as often as he can.
And in case you were wondering, we lost the game. It was our first loss of the season. Total bummer. However, Soccer Boy assisted Trouble with our only goal of the game. I came home with a sore throat from all the cheering.
Welcome to my H-E Double L
I will not be using my real name, the names of my children, husband or stepchildren. It's not that I don't believe in publicly displaying myself online, but rather that I want to be able to talk completely candid about what goes on and how I feel about it without the concern that I will somehow be hurting my family in the process. I have another blog, and there have been times I have tried to write the truth but ended up not posting it for fear of making someone feel bad or having retribution.
My other reason is that the biological mother hates me and is causing us some serious issues which may result in court so I would rather that anything I type here in blog land not be used against me in court.
This also means I won't have a profile picture of my face but I may come up with something fun, like a wicked witch or something else totally stereotypical.
If you haven't guess, my blog is about being a stepmom, my journey through it, with all the bumps and bruises along the way.
So, welcome to my own personal stepfamily insanity and what I am now calling my H-E double L.
My other reason is that the biological mother hates me and is causing us some serious issues which may result in court so I would rather that anything I type here in blog land not be used against me in court.
This also means I won't have a profile picture of my face but I may come up with something fun, like a wicked witch or something else totally stereotypical.
If you haven't guess, my blog is about being a stepmom, my journey through it, with all the bumps and bruises along the way.
So, welcome to my own personal stepfamily insanity and what I am now calling my H-E double L.
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