Dr. Phil Helped Us

After Husband came home from spending time with Trouble a last night, we had a short but meaningful talk about why all of this is continuing and whether or not we felt there was anything more we could do about it. I had an epiphany, which I shared with Husband, which stems from this question: What are Trouble/The Witch/Husband and Stepped gaining from all of this? I remember Dr. Phil asking people that question on his show. He always wanted them to think about what their payoff was for whatever their issue was at the time.

Stepped: Control of my house. The adults run the show again and life is functioning much better.

Husband: Nothing. He is miserable.

The Witch: Validation that we are terrible, and she is a fabulous mother. Control over Husband.

Trouble: Constant attention from his mom.

He is the middle child, who is typically left out. The oldest is a girl, so mom does girl things with her very regularly, and the youngest is only two, so his basic needs warrant a lot of attention. Trouble... he rarely received any attention.

Husband and I used to talk about that and worried about him because his mom neglected him, even if she didn't mean to and I'm not saying that she did. I'm sure she never even noticed.

Now, The Witch talks to him every day about how he feels and if he's okay. She's been taking nightly walks with him around the neighborhood. She even got him into tutoring. (It's about time! The boy is 14 and still can't read. Hello. That is not normal. We've tried to work with her on this before, but that is another discussion.) They have been watching movies together regularly. She's been taking all of her kids out to do activities, where she only dropped off "Perfect" and Trouble in the past for them to do their own thing. They hang out now and are "buddies".

When he was acting up here, causing all kinds of problems, running away and playing an innocent victim, he got him mom's undivided attention. She came to his rescue each and every time. But it didn't stop there. She would sit with him and talk to him once they were home. Then the next time he came over here, she would call him and text him constantly throughout the day to check on him to make sure he was okay. She worried about him, and focused on him a whole lot more than she did for the first few years of our marriage when she was pregnant and had a newborn.

I wish Husband and I had noticed this before. Trouble needed attention from him mom!!

We thought Trouble was acting out because he wanted to hang with friends and get his way. But he isn't hanging with his friends when he's at his mom's house. And according to The Witch, he has no problem putting away his phone for dinner, when they are doing things as a family or at any time his mom asks him to put it away. He isn't even asking her to do all of the things that he's been fighting with us about. It never made sense to us why Trouble would get explosively angry over the simplest requests.

Now it makes so much more sense. When he has issues with his dad, and especially with me, he gets loads of attention from his mom. If he moves on from all of this drama, he will also be giving up his mom, and he is not going to do that.

Dr. Phil, you are so wise.

Family Outing with the Ex

I told Husband to grow a pair and start creating boundaries for the sake of our marriage and for his children. What I said wasn't so nice, and I don't like being the "mean" wife, but it seemed like he needed permission to be a man, so I gave it to him.

At first, Husband's reaction was "But I can't", meaning he can't tell The Witch no, which sounded kind of childish to me. Rather than picking on him anymore than I already had however, I decided to give him some power. I said "Of course you can. You are a smart man who can do anything you want to do. It's in the best interest of your children for you to stop giving into their mom because you don't want to cause friction. There is already friction and it's only getting worse. Tell her nicely and calmly how you feel."

Husband did tell her how he felt, and as luck would have it, it worked. What do you know?! There was no scene or argument. And Husband did NOT go out last night with The Witch. Yeah!

Instead, Husband and Trouble spent about an hour together. From what I can gather, it didn't go great or terrible, somewhere in the middle. It's a start I guess.

Quick Update

Trouble had his appointment with the counselor. We got a two sentence email from the counselor which said "met with the kid and he is going to think about what we talked about". I take that to mean, he didn't like what he was told and that's the end of counseling.

Husband recently asked The Witch about future appointments, and she dodged the question.

The latest from Trouble is that he doesn't want to have a relationship with Husband. I guess that explains the counselor email.

The Witch is currently asking Husband to spend time with her and the kids. She has invited him to several events lately, including her nightly walk around the neighborhood and the circus this weekend. It makes me want to throw things. I thought Husband would tell her no way, but I see today that they are all going on a family outing Thursday night. Of course no one told me about it, I saw it in an email and I'm certainly not invited.

My true feeling is that my husband is stupid, the ex wife a controlling B and they are screwing up their kids by trying to act like a happy family that they aren't, which only makes it harder when the step parents are around because we mess up the happy family events that would have occurred if we just went away and died.

However, I'm trying to convince myself that it's best for the kids if their parents get along, even if it means they go out and do things together where I am not invited. I'm glad they can be around one another without starting a war and maybe it will help Husband to work things out with Trouble.

Still, where the heck do I fit into all of that?

Wonders Never Cease

Today, I received my very first email from The Witch. I know. I am shocked too!

She was totally insulting while asking for a favor, but who would expect anything different?! Still, despite the fact that she lives up to her nickname, I actually feel kind of happy. It's amazing to FINALLY be acknowledged as a person who plays a part in her daughter's life.

And thankfully, I had already taken care of the thing she was asking. Yes, I actually am on the ball as a parent. Even it I'm "only" the step-parent.

I wrote a simple two sentences back. The first confirming I had taken care of it and the second to thank her for her reminder.

I am learning ever so slowly to be a peacemaker in this battle.

Stupid Jerk

I'm pissed off at Husband right now. I was working on fixing the gate latch in the backyard (totally a man's job but whatever, it needed to be done) and Husband says "I'm going to the bank."

Normally I would say "Okay" but it seemed strange. So I said "Why?"

He said "I'm going to refinance the car."

Um... okay. That is out of the blue and thanks for talking to me about getting a loan. I said "Thanks for talking to me about something like that."

He was totally defensive and going on and on about saving money and how I don't want him to save any money and blah blah blah. Stupid ass. That is NOT what I meant. It just seems like something he should at least talk to me about. He wasn't even going to say anything, just drive to the bank and refinance the car, then come home. I told him that he was wasting time yelling at me about it and to just go because his daughter is here and he doesn't need to give The Witch another occasion to use against him when he didn't spend time with his daughter.

I went inside to fix my contact which was bothering me, and he followed me in and continued to yell at me about it. He said that if he doesn't do the refinancing it's a waste of $80 a year. All of this insulting, yelling and being a jerk over a stupid $80?! I told him he should just go to the bank. Then he had the audacity to tell me that I was wasting HIS time. To that stupid remark, I turned around and went to another part of the house. He still followed me continuing to yell at me. I said once again to just go to the bank. Finally he left. Slamming the door of course.

What an ass. Seriously?! As if I was trying to impede him? It seems like marriage etiquette to at least mention to your spouse that you are taking out a loan before you go to the bank and sign on the dotted line.

It's stupid stuff like this that drives me so crazy. Why all the insanity and emotional crap? He follows me around yelling at me, when I never once raised my voice to him or tried to stop him in any way, then accuses me of getting in his way and not allowing him to do something he wants to do. I seriously believe that because he had so many financial issues with The Witch it gets taken out on me. I'm excellent with money and I am plenty reasonable. If we save money, great. But don't do it behind my back and then yell at me about it.

Looking forward to the Weekend

Tonight I have a book club meeting. We read "These is My Words". It was a VERY good story. My kids even liked it. I'm really looking forward to meeting with my friends and chatting about this fascinating woman and her story. -- It's a mostly true story, set in Arizona before it was a state, 1890's.

I bought some supplies for a toffee caramel cheese cake. I'm hoping "Perfect" will bake it with me. Husband looked at me like I was a nut when I told him I planned to make the dessert with his daughter. I don't know what that means, but whatever. I think it will be fun.

Baby Boy has a soccer game on Saturday in the early evening, which means I can sleep in Saturday morning for once.

Soccer Boy has a choir deal Saturday afternoon as well, which involves lunch that I don't have to cook or clean up. Yeah!

Other than basic errands I think this weekend is open for fun! Maybe we will go see new the Alice in Wonderland. That could be fun. Or we could figure out something to do outside since we've been blessed with gorgeous weather.

I hope I didn't just shoot myself in the foot anticipating a nice weekend. What a pessimist I am.

Nothing to Report

Life has gone back to little drama. What a relief. Months of threats, emails, counseling and so on has made me a lot crazy and stressed. Now that the worst is behind us, life feels normal. So, I've really had nothing to report.

I'm sure as the counseling with Trouble gets closer I'll be thinking about it more and will for sure post the aftermath.

Husband is doing great with finding little bits of time here and there to spend with Trouble, since he isn't coming over. And all of that is working out fine.

For now I'm reveling in the calm. Well, as much calm as a mother can ever have.

The Last Few Days

Life has been relatively quiet, or maybe more like normal. I'm glad for the break between dealing with my emotions about Trouble. I'm hoping it will give me renewed strength to get through the next phase in mending things.

Friday:

*took a Pilate's class

*had lunch with Baby Boy at school

*Husband and I went to a scout dinner with Baby Boy (the older boys were playing video games and were not interested)


Saturday:

*Husband had to work

*woke up early and got Drama Boy to an all day scout event

*went to Baby Boy's soccer game

*took Baby Boy to see Percy Jackson (Drama Boy has seen it and Soccer Boy didn't feel like going)

*early evening we all watched Soccer Boy at his soccer game. Trouble didn't make it to the game. He told Soccer Boy that night he was sick.

*watched a movie with Drama Boy, Baby Boy and Husband. Soccer Boy talked on the phone all night with a friend. Teenagerdom is upon us.

Sunday:

*up early for church

*Soccer Boy was too "sick" to go

*we were supposed to turn in paperwork for "Perfect" to attend church camp. The Witch takes control of these things and causes Husband all kinds of grief if she doesn't get to be the "good" parent who fills out the forms, even when they are for a church she doesn't attend. She didn't give us any of the forms and they were due yesterday. Would have been so much easier for us to do it.

*went to my aunt's house for dinner, where Soccer Boy had a miraculous recovery

*Soccer Boy announced he cancelled his ref games next Saturday to attend a party. We had an argument about that one. He's grounded from the phone and computer for a month to "get his head on straight". We had a conversation about being responsible and putting school, work and church before socializing. He will spend all of March getting his grades up and doing the things he should have been all along. His response: "You don't love me because you don't want me to have friends."

Today:

Things are going okay. Husband and I have been very affectionate this weekend. We must be feeling more relaxed now that the counseling session with The Witch is behind us. I'm not nearly as nervous to meet with Trouble. I think he is young enough to be open to the counselor, even if it takes more than one session to get there.

Soccer Boy is starting into the same arguments we have had with Trouble. It goes a lot better knowing that he respects us though. And he doesn't get another parent involved to get his way. Soccer Boy seemed more somber this morning. He knows he made a mistake. It's hard to see him struggle but it's for the best. Maybe he will make better choices the next time.

Now I am off to get some cleaning done before picking up kids from school.

Stepped, the Comedian

More could have said...

The Witch "It's not okay to hit your children..."

Stepped "Come over here and I'll slap your face and you can tell us if it was an act of violence and if it hurt."

Only in my best dreams...

P.S. I died laughing after I wrote this. The visual is simply hilarious.

After thoughts

What I wish I could have said, but of course never would:

The Witch "Husband should have told Trouble no (in reference to the birthday party) and spent time alone with him."

Stepped "Trouble had a good time at the party. Husband felt comfortable with his decision to take Trouble to the party. They were both happy and had a good evening. But because Husband didn't do exactly what you wanted him to do, or handle the evening the way you would have handled it, you are upset. Trouble is bright enough to figure out that you do not approve of the way Husband handles things and that you would do things differently. It now makes sense why Trouble no longer respects Husband or listens to Husband, no matter what tone of voice is being used in the asking. Husband has lost all credibility as a parent because of your attitude about his parenting.

The same situation applies to us going to see a movie two weeks ago. Trouble had a good time and Husband and I felt like it was a good first step in mending our relationship with Trouble. But your response was that I should not have gone with them and Trouble was uncomfortable, so Husband did the wrong thing. I was uncomfortable too! It's going to be uncomfortable for some time and had been uncomfortable for at least a year prior to this. This is the reason we are here, to work on things so we can be comfortable with one another again. In the meantime, if you are constantly critical of everything Husband does or doesn't do, Trouble will never come to respect his dad, and we will never be able to mend the relationship fully.

So far you have been negative and critical. Trouble knows how you feel about Husband's parenting and Trouble now has the same attitude. This is what the counselor means when he says you need to be supportive of Husband as Trouble's dad. You need to change how you are responding to Trouble when he is upset about something Husband has done or when Trouble makes comments about his activities where you do not approve."

How do you think that would have gone over? *smirk*

Counseling Details – The Juicy Stuff

So, I made it through the session. I did better than I thought I would actually. However, I probably did talk a little more than I should have. But I was calm and respectful the whole time.

The Witch cannot say the same. She obviously is not a yeller, so her voice was not raised but she was highly judgmental and argumentative. She did not listen to anything the counselor had to say at all. Her husband never spoke a single word. It was like he wasn't even there.

Not that this has anything to do with the session, but now that I've seen this guy up close, I have no clue what she left my husband for. I guess he makes more money and he is taller, but my husband is so attractive and hers… he's okay but not so much.

Husband did GREAT! I was totally proud of him and he said some things to her that needed to be said. Yet, he did it with a lot of class.

I wish I could remember everything but basically it started with the counselor talking about what he has observed from the two sessions and the email exchanges. He went over what he thought would be helpful for our situation, being that the adults need to come together and support each other's household, respect the differences and make the transitions as easy as possible between homes. Husband was the first to talk and said yes he agrees with what the counselor was saying. The Witch said she wasn't sure.

The Witch went into how Trouble is perfect at her house and they have no issues so the problems are all with Husband and mostly with me. (Big shock right?) That she is doing everything possible to help Trouble to spend more time with his dad and he doesn't want to come to the house anymore because of me.

Husband explained about some of the events leading up to Trouble not wanting to come over and explained how Trouble is using the two parents against one another to get what he wants because he figured out how he can.

The Witch said that she believes everything Trouble tells her, and she can't imagine him lying, so if he is saying there are problems, it's because there are.

Husband said Trouble has lied to her about things or exaggerated the truth many times.

The Witch was mad Husband called Trouble a liar and again said she believes what he says and that he would never lie.

Husband said he knows Trouble has lied and "Kids do that".

The counselor was close to laughing. I'm glad he has facial hair to hide behind or his emotions would give him away. The counselor said he doesn't feel arguing will help but Trouble will be biased in retelling of events and we need to be aware of that for future and take time to find out the facts from the other parent.

The Witch would have nothing to do with that at all.

I'm not sure what happened next. I think the counselor asked us about the differences in our homes and why some of those differences are causing issues. Something like that. Husband brought up going to church and how we want him to go with us but he causes huge fights about church.

The counselor asked if it's because of church, Stepped, the rules or doctrine. The Witch said it's because Trouble doesn't believe everything he hears at church but she has always been respectful of church and takes "Perfect" to church and more stuff I don't remember about how wonderful she is about church.

I had a look on my face like "Are you kidding me?"

The Witch said "Stepped do you have something to say?" (really snotty too by the way)

I took a second, since these would be my first words, and looked right at her and said "You don't think positively about church. I know your parents brought you up in this same church and you have been against it since you were 17. We all know you don't like our religion and you have not been supportive of our beliefs." - please note I was polite in my tone and my body language, thank you very much

She said nothing. Yeah me!

The counselor said he would like to talk to Trouble to find out what it is about church he doesn't like and all we can do is to speculate without him there.

The Witch and Husband talked about all kinds of things after this. Mostly arguing but I have to say Husband did not come across as angry or argumentative, even if he was contradicting what she was saying. He did get upset a few times but folded his arms across his chest and said nothing. She was mad though. Things were not going her way and she wasn't happy.

I spoke to The Witch directly a few other times. Once to defend Husband when The Witch said that Husband NEVER does anything with his kids. Husband was quiet so I piped up and listed off all of the things Husband does with his kids when they come to visit. Again, The Witch said nothing.

The counselor said he would talk to Trouble about what "spending time" means to him so he can get more clarification and work from there.

The Witch said I yell at Trouble all of the time and Husband came to my defense and said other than the one time, I am rarely involved and it's usually Husband enforcing rules that Trouble associates with Stepped, like bedtime. So while Trouble is saying he is mad at Stepped, Stepped wasn't the one involved.

I believe The Witch said something like "Oh please"

The next time I spoke was when she started in about the night I slapped Trouble and how she just can't have that. It's not okay to hit your child and I should have left him in the bathroom to cool down rather than barging into the bathroom yelling and hitting.

Obviously I couldn't let that one go, so I explained how I knocked on the door to ask him to come out and come to see a movie with us. I did not slap him until after all three of us were in the hall and he had been yelling in my face, then I did send him to sit on his bed to talk to his dad, and after we still went to see the movie.

The Witch said with eyes rolling "Because the most important thing was the movie."

I said "No. I was fine with Trouble not going to the movie but Husband wanted Trouble to go and I was supporting my husband."

The counselor said what happened that night was not okay but we need to let the past go. Talking about all of the bad things we have done is not helping. He asked us to think of positives on both sides because surely there are good things about everyone.

I don't know where this part was in the conversation but The Witch told Husband she was upset with him for taking Trouble to a birthday party this weekend, instead of spending time with him.

Husband said he did spend time with him and Trouble wanted to go to the party.

The Witch said Husband should have told Trouble no because they needed to spend more time together.

Husband said Trouble could have spent the entire day with him camping but Trouble didn't want to go.

The Witch said she tried to get Trouble to go but Trouble said no and she wasn't going to make him.

LOL -- Did you catch the contradiction?

Husband also said it wasn't up to her what he decides to do with the kids during his time. -- Go Husband!!

We ended the hour with the counselor once again telling The Witch she plays an important role in supporting Husband as Trouble's dad, even if she doesn't agree with the way he parents. He reiterated while we have different styles of parenting and different ideas about what is acceptable and what isn't, the important thing is for the kids to make the switch from one home to the other and respect the rules in each house. The Witch continued to say how it's not about her but only about Husband and me.

The last time I spoke to her I said "It is about you. We are all adults involved in Trouble's life and you need to be involved in this because you are his mother."

She said something like I am involved but kind of under her breath.

The counselor set an appointment for Trouble two weeks from now. The counselor will be talking to Trouble alone. As we walked out the counselor was saying he will try to keep some spots open for the weeks following, in the evenings, so we don't have to wait as long between sessions. The Witch walked right past the counselor, her husband on her heels, not a word to the counselor and bolted down the hallway. Husband and I paused to shake hands with the counselor and told him thank you.

The Witch will never change. I fear if she doesn't work on her little part of all of this, there is really no hope. But maybe the counselor can work miracles with Trouble. I don't totally get why The Witch is so negative. She barely has anything being asked of her. Husband and I are going to be on the hot seat for a long time and I'm sure we will be asked to make a lot of changes. If there was resistance you'd think it would be one of us.

I think Husband and I did the best we could. I probably should have kept my mouth shut a little more, but I also think what I said each time was important. Husband thought I did well.

So there you have it. My dreaded day is past and I got through it without getting mad. Working with Trouble and the counselor will be no fun either but I hope it will make some difference after a few times. I've been warned that counseling gets worse with teenagers before it gets better.

I Survived

The appointment could have gone better but it also could have been worse. I want to type more, but I made a promise to myself that I would dedicate afterschool time to getting the kids homework done. Homework is a major issue around here.

All in all I am very please with my husband and the things that he said. I did talk, but only a little. Twice to The Witch directly but otherwise I answered questions from the counselor. I did not get mad or act in any way I would be embarassed. Husband completely surprised me with all the great things he said. I am very proud of him.

More details to come but I survived.

Can Of Worms

Husband spends 80 to 85% of his visitations taking his two kids out to do various activities just the three of them. My bio kids have those weekends with their own dad, so the only person the steps "compete with" is me, and I don't find all the things they do very fun, plus I have my own friends and I do girls night when my kids are gone for the weekend. The steps love to walk around the mall, which I avoid like the black plague. They watch movies I don't care to see. Husband has taken his kids on vacation to see his family without me, and this summer they spent two weeks on a vacation while I was across the country visiting my own family. Plus driving back and forth from The Witch's house to our, shopping, errands, and other basic things.

I NEVER said that I didn't want the steps to spend alone time with their dad and I am actually offended that anyone would read that into my question or my posts.

I asked if Husband should spend EVERY visitation with ONLY his kids based on a sentence in The Witch's email. And now that I've had days of thinking about it, plus being trashed on my blog, I realize it was a dumb question. Of course it's okay for me and/or my kids to be involved in activities with Husband and the steps and it's okay for us to plan family activities. I shouldn't listen to The Witch complaining and think that she's right about anything. It's stupid that she was mad because I was at the movies too. Trouble had a good time and told Husband that he did and so did the rest of us.

I know I've opened another can of worms by even posting this, but it seems I was not frank enough about what I was asking or saying. So, now it's frank.

One More Day

Only 24 hours from now I will be sitting in a room with The Witch "talking". I told my mom yesterday that I need angels sitting next to me holding their hands over my mouth. To say I am scared would be putting it mildly.

Husband and I have gone over what it is we are hoping to get from the session and I did my best to "practice" with him on what to say in order for us to get our point across. It didn't go very well, but maybe the real thing will go better.

Thankfully last night we didn't talk about any of this stuff and we got a good night's sleep. I can only hope tonight we will get at least some sleep.

More on Alone Time

I agree with what you all are saying but Trouble has a sister, "Perfect", so it's not like Trouble is here sharing Husband with me and/or my kids. She is very much part of the visitations too and she is older so he's always had another sibling around. I don't talk about her a lot, as she isn't my biggest concern right now, but still she is here. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that Trouble would spend time with Husband alone. What would "Perfect" do? Stay here with me? Stay with The Witch? Why should she be left out? That isn't right.

It seems like this idea of "alone time" only became an issue as of late. I'm fairly sure it's another way of The Witch trying to make Husband look bad when really it's not very practical. Prior to me being in the picture Husband took both kids with him everywhere and I don't recall there ever being issues with having to share Husband.

However, the idea of taking one kid on an errand so there is alone time, yes, yes, yes. I do this as well and I have encouraged Husband to do the same.

Husband and I talked about this at length today as well, since we have no idea what The Witch is going to bring up and we want to be prepared. We both feel that as long as it's being demanded by the kids or by The Witch, then it's not going to happen. We are not going to be bossed around. Husband and I get to decide what works best for us, and if a time comes where one of us can take a child alone somewhere and no one feels left out, we should, but it's not going to be demanded or written in stone. We go with whatever works for that weekend and with whomever happens to be here at the time.

If it mattered that much for Trouble to spend alone time with Husband, he would have gone on the camp out. It's not about alone time, it's about splitting us up, dividing our fmaily, and that is not an option.

I hope I don't hurt any of your feelings. I really appreciated everything you said. It's been truly helpful for me to talk out my issues here and get your feedback. It helps me to figure out what I really think and feel.

Husband is having his weekend visitation, but is also a Scout leader for one of the troops in our area. They planned a camp out for Friday night into Saturday and Husband thought Trouble might enjoy going with him. Husband figured Trouble would say no (and in my opinion kind of set himself up for a no, but that's another issue) and suggested that if Trouble did not go camping that he would pick up Trouble and "Perfect" once he got back to spend time with them this evening.

Here is the response from The Witch, and she forwarded this to the counselor for some reason. I guess to make me look bad...

"I asked Trouble about going on the campout Friday and he is not interested in Boy Scouts. I tried talking him into it so you can hang out together just you and him, but he declined. I also talked to him about Saturday evening. He does not want to go to your house or be around Stepped. He said the last saturday visitation that took a lot of persuasion getting him to agree to, he felt uncomfortable being around Stepped. He said he didn't even get to spend any alone time with you at all. I think it would be best if he just spent time with you Saturday night on neutral ground. I don't want him to be with Stepped or at your house until after our meeting with the counselor on Wednesday."

The counselor is going to see that she hates me right? Does it seem obvious to you after reading the things I have posted? I think I am worried the counselor won't see that and actually believe I have done something wrong.

I blogged about that weekend here, you have to skip down to the bottom where I say "On a more positive note..."

For some reason I still feel the need to defend myself and say that we had no intention of bringing him to our house. I don't want him here and probably won't for a long time. I need to feel that both Trouble and The Witch are in a more cooperative and level headed place before I invite him back. As much as she would like it to sound as though she needs to protect Trouble from me, I too feel the need to protect myself from them!

I have one more question about the email above. Does Husband need to spend alone time with Trouble in order for it to count as time with Trouble? I'm confused about the notion that Husband should be alone with Trouble for every visitation. I rarely spend time alone with one of my kids, unless I'm driving them somewhere. X never has alone time with our kids. There is at least two of the three with him and it seems perfectly normal to me for a family of multiple kids to go out and do things as a group. Am I wrong about that? Maybe I feel that way because it seems to work okay with my biological children but it's not actually typical?

More on The Witch

There has been more drama via email with The Witch going on as well as late nights with Husband. She emailed the counselor early this week inquiring about our appointment. Her email went something like:

"I haven't heard anything about our appointment this week. Ever since my meeting with the counselor I haven't been told anything. Trouble is getting comfortable with not seeing Husband and Husband seems to be okay with not communicating with Trouble. If we aren't going to do something soon I will have to get my lawyer involved."

The counselor emailed back something like:

"We haven't set an appointment. I am available on this day at these times."

I emailed back that we are available for the day and time of my choice.

This morning The Witch sent three emails, starting at 7:30 in the morning. The first email said that she would like to meet today if possible because she doesn't want to wait another week and she told everyone over a week ago that she wanted to meet. (Her email was sent the evening of the 11th. That is not even a week ago. Do your math lady!)

The second email said that if she has to wait a week then she needs to meet at another time because "Perfect" has a dentist appointment an hour after the appointment I suggested and Husband should already know that since she told him two weeks ago. (Well, I didn't know. Sheesh)

Husband responded that her time change was fine with us. And The Witch wrote back something like:

"So we are all in agreement to meet at said day and time then?"

Can we say controlling? Let the counselor do his job lady!

Husband was mad about the email from yesterday which is why he was in a bad mood last night and didn't feel like talking to me. He felt attacked. And hoenstly, he was. The Witch is making him sound like a bad parent, since we all know that is her stance on this issue. But we took Trouble to the movies with us the last weekend Husband had visitation and Husband tried to talk to Trouble at the soccer game last Monday. Husband is trying during the time he is given and The Witch's attacks are unfounded. If we needed to defend ourselves she would be the one who would look like an idiot.

Personally,I'm glad The Witch is showing her true colors. Counseling won't do any good if we aren't honest and transparent about who we are and how we feel. I'm glad to see her acting like the crazy, controlling person she is and the counselor is getting all of these emails. She's trying to control him too. I'm starting to wonder if this woman has any sense.

Postponed

The Counselor didn't have any appointments for today so our appointment is going to be next week Wednesday. I thought I would be sad about that, but after the last two nights there is no way I am up for meeting with The Witch.

Husband and I talked at 4am and I was able to say what I tried to say the night before. And thanks to you ladies I had better words. It went well and he finally understood I was not insulting him but explaining that if he and/or "Perfect" are still harboring negative feelings about the birthday, we need to resolve it now and move on.

Husband also had an epiphany. He said he thinks that there must be something going on with him because he doesn't seem to be able to take charge of anything.

Halleluha! Finally!!

I hope this statement comes with action because it would make a huge difference if Husband could take more charge and not leave me to shoulder everything.

Terrible Day and now Night

Husband sent me a text saying that he was sorry he was being a jerk to me last night. I sent one back with a simple, Okay.

Husband came home from work and didn't look at me, talk to me, hug me or give me the slightest acknowledgement. I went upstairs and said that I thought he was sorry for the way he treated me, and he said that he was sorry but was in a bad mood. Okay, enough said. I went back downstairs.

Husband spent the rest of the night moping around. He never spoke to me. Now he is in bed.

I have no idea if something is going on with him, or if he expects me to do something, or what. I'm sitting here, exhausted, and needing my bed but not sure if I should get in it or sleep on the couch.

Somehow, I'm sure whatever it is, it's going to be my fault.

Terrible Day

Last night Husband and I were talking and somehow the conversation turned to all the things I've done wrong to upset "Perfect". It started with Husband telling me how we have hurt "Perfect" and every birthday she thinks about the birthday we got into a fight. I spent at least 20 minutes reminding Husband of that birthday and what happened.

Here's the condensed version:

Earlier in the day I found a huge bloodclot in my underwear. I called my doctor but their office was already closed. Several hours later Husband wanted to get out the birthday cake (which I made, thank you) and I cleared off the table, which required taking some things upstairs. I felt like I might be bleeding and stopped in the bathroom to check, and I was. Husband came upstairs to get me and was yelling at me that I'm being rude to "Perfect" and ruining her birthday. I went downstairs with him and sat at the table. We sang, did the candles and so on. They were all eating cake and I excused myself and went up to lay down. Husband came upstairs and YELLED at me that I was very selfish and he didn't care what the reason was for me leaving it's not an excuse for ruining "Perfect's" birthday and so on. Then he slammed the door. I never got to say a word about feeling sick and bleeding. When I got up from the bed, the bleeding was much worse and I felt I needed to go to the hospital. I went downstairs and told Husband about the bleeding and I needed to go to the hospital. Husband didn't want to take me because he didn't want "Perfect" to feel rejected and have this be her worst birthday ever, so after telling "Perfect" I was sorry but I was having an emergency, I drove myself to the hospital. Late that night when I returned home, the house was locked, the lights were out and everyone was sleeping, even Husband. Now, I was fine, I just had the worst period ever, during a non-period time of my cycle. It's never happened before or after.

So back to Husband and I last night...

I reminded Husband of this story, and asked Husband how he knows "Perfect" thinks about that birthday or that it bothers her. He said it just does. I pushed for an actual answer and he said because she told him it bothers her. I asked him how the conversation went. He said he couldn't remember. Then he changed his mind and said it was probably that she had a look on her face or something and he knew it was because of that birthday. (Seriously? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard) I asked him how he knew and he said he didn't know. Then he changed his mind again and said the "The Witch" told him. Again, I asked how the conversation went and did he explain what actually happened on that birthday? He got really angry and yelled at me all his typical poor Husband sob story excuses, like he can't remember anything, and it's all his fault and he's stupid, blah, blah. I asked him to stop being dramatic and just answer the question. He said he already did.

So, I changed my tactics and asked him if he felt like I did something wrong by having to got to the hospital on her birthday. Was it possible that he might have been able to help "Perfect" understand that it was not her fault, nor my fault, and Husband was being a jerk that day? That "Perfect", at 14 then, was old enough to understand an emergency and we could have postponed the celebration until the next day?

Husband's response was I'm right and it's all his fault. (I hate when he does that.)

I started crying and reminded him it was a hard day for me too. I felt very unloved and had to take care of myself and because he was so concerned about damaging his kids, he couldn't even think about how much it might hurt me. He couldn't even wait up to make sure I was okay.

Husband's response was that I am an adult.

I cried off and on most of the night and all day today. I'm not sure why I am feeling so emotional. Maybe because of all the other issues we are dealing with right now, but somehow his words just hit me in my gut.

I know I am an adult but good grief. I was having massive unexplained bleeding. It wouldn't matter to me what day it was, if someone in the family needs to go to the hospital, that becomes the new priority for me.

It seems to me if "Perfect" is actually still thinking about that day and it bothers her, or The Witch is using it as another reason to hate me, then Husband needs to fix it. I don't feel like I did anything wrong and I shouldn't be continually punished for needing to go to the hospital because it was someone's birthday.

If anything Husband should feel sorry for how much he hurt me as well.

Oh, no I forgot, Husband doesn't say he's sorry.

Random Thoughts

I think the big meeting of adults will be Wednesday. I can feel the strain of it already. My mind is constantly consumed with what to say, how to act, and what not to say and how not to react. I've got a slight headache and a tummy ache.

At times I think it would be better if I simply said nothing, unless directly asked a question. Then I start thinking about how Husband is going to answer questions or explain things and that in itself stresses me out. He's not the best communicator and he doesn't remember details very well. He typically causes more problems then he solves. Which puts it on me to either step in and rescue him and us, or allow him to make a mess of things. I know my personality and I wouldn't be be able to sit there quietly in that circumstance.

I also feel if I do too much of the talking, it's only going to aggravate The Witch. She has no interest in what I think or have to say. I can see that meeting going nowhere fast if I talk too often and while I'd love to see her hang herself, I also want productivity. I desperately need a resolution and I want to be an asset to getting there.

Which leads me to many of the things The Witch has said.

"Everyone was happier before I came along": Life naturally changed when Husband and I got married. There is no logic in thinking that life for the steps should remain unchanged when Husband got married. There is no logic in taking the stance that Husband is a bad parent because he doesn't make his kids happy at every moment and do what they want, when they want, and how they want. And there is no logic in blaming me for these natural life changes.

"The steps don't want me around": I've mulled this one over a lot lately, and what I come up with is that the steps can manipulate their dad when I am not around. Husband knows they do this too but he has the typical dad guilt for not being around more often and gives in even when he knows he shouldn't. It makes sense to me now that the steps wouldn't want me around in order to get their way. Husband needs to change this about himself and be more consistant. He doesn't need me to make his decisions. He needs to grow a pair and be a parent. Maybe the counselor can help him with this individually.

Blogged Too Soon

So my last post was sent in haste. Well, I didn't know that at the time.

The counselor sent a last chance email to everyone. He stated that he felt the only way to proceed with helping the situation was for the adults to come together. And The Witch responded that she would come and bring her husband with her. She also said that she wanted Husband to bring that note Trouble wrote. -- oh please, like it matters what demands the child has. Like it's mandatory that we buy him expensive dinners out on the town. Anyway...

I'm very happy she is actually going to come and meet with us. I'm terrified that she is going to rip into me and even more scared of my reaction to that.

Now I need suggestions I think you guys can help me with. What do I do when The Witch starts acting like a witch and I get angry feelings? How do you all deal with that in a way that is constructive? Specifically when dealing face to face with your husband's ex? I'm ready to tune her out, smile and say nothing, bite my lip, twist up a paper in my hand... whatever it takes to get through it and let the counselor work things out. What do you suggest? I'm all ears.

I don't know what to do

I think Husband and I are finally at a stand still. I don't know what to do and I feel terrible about what is going to happen to Husband and Trouble's relationship if I can't figure out how to fix it. I know that sounds impossible, but isn't there something I can do?

Yesterday The Witch gave Husband a letter from Trouble and a parenting book. I read the letter today and it's filled with what I would have expected from Trouble. Here are his complaints:

He doesn't like our yelling.

He doesn't want us to take away his Ipod or phone.

He wants to go hang out at the mall with his friends.

He doesn't want to go to church.

He doesn't want to help with dishes, mowing the lawn or other chores.

He wants to spend time with just his dad and sister.

He wants his dad to take him to do more fun things on the weekend.

He wants us to spend more money on eating out.

He wants to do the same things as "Perfect".


Here is what I have concluded from this letter and from the book... The Witch thinks we are bad parents because of Trouble's complaints and that we need to give into Trouble's requests. The Witch is NOT going to speak to the counselor and she will not work with us directly.

I simply don't know where to go from here. We can go over each of these things with Trouble and the counselor but as long as The Witch continues to think we are unfair, what good will that really do? As long as Trouble has a mom who tells him that we aren't fair to him, he's not going to change at all. Why would he? The Witch obviously does all of these things for her son, and that works for her, however, she obviously doesn't respect that we are different and do things different. Somehow different, is wrong in her mind. Being more strict or more structured is wrong to her as well.

We talked to the counselor today and he confirmed that without The Witch's willingness to work through this in some form or fashion, we are at a stalemate. Working with Trouble directly will not solve anything. He also confirmed that we can't give into the demands of the children either. And sadly he also confirmed that with the way things are going, a side effect could be that Trouble will grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him.

I'm so sad and disappointed. I wish there was something else we could do. I want to find the golden nugget that fixes things. I have a terrible feeling that Trouble will be estranged from us for the rest of our lives and I worry that Husband is going to resent me.

The Witch's Email Made me Smile

Soccer Boy and Trouble's soccer coach has been trying to keep the team together for this spring season of indoor soccer. Normally we would all be playing outdoor soccer this time of year but our coach decided he wants to continue to play indoor instead. Soccer Boy wanted to do both indoor and outdoor but made the decision to stay with his team and play indoor only. However, Trouble kept saying that he "didn't feel like" playing soccer anymore. The boy is really good and has been a great asset to the team. He likes to play and he needs positive recreation. Plus, I went to a lot of effort to get him on our team this last season and I really wanted to see him continue. I realize that is the least good reason, but for once I can actually place my name on something good when it comes to Trouble.

Before we got to the game on Monday I asked Soccer Boy to try and talk to Trouble about playing with the team again. I also saw the coach's son talking to Trouble after the game and the coach talking to The Witch and her husband.(I guess he needs a name too but since the guy has never made an appearance in my life I never thought I'd ever be writing about him)

So, yesterday I saw an email from The Witch to the coach and she said that Trouble wants to keep playing with the team. Yeah!

He does exist

Last night Soccer Boy and Trouble had a soccer game. It's typical for The Witch to bring Trouble, and occassionally she will bring her other son, the one she has with her current husband. However, last night is one for the records.

I haven't seen her husband in real life. EVER. In over five years. That's right. Not ever. In fact when she was pregnant with that other son,I used to tease Husband that she must have had sex with a ghost because her husband doesn't exist.

But last night The Witch brought the entire family to watch the game, including the mysterious husband of hers. Of course none of them spoke to us or acknowledged our presence, but I did see the guy in the flesh finally.

I really wondered if the man ever did anything with his family at all. I guess every 5 years or so he makes an appearance.

On another note...

Husband asked "Perfect" over the weekend, to come to the game. He told her that the games are a lot of fun and she should come to see the boys play. So "Perfect" came to the game, but even she ignored her dad completely.

After the game was over, Husband tried to talk to Trouble, tell him good game and all of that, but Trouble couldn't walk fast enough away from his dad. Neither of Husband's kids said a word to him, or even looked at him. Isn't that sad? I don't get it.

The X's sister came to the game, which is typical, and Baby Boy left us to go sit with her. Had he not gone on his own, I would have said "Your aunt is here. Go say hi." After the game Soccer Boy spent 10 minutes talking to his aunt as well. I even talked to her for a minute.

I don't get my Husband's situation but I sure feel bad for him.

More on the Counselor Emails

Husband and I decided to respond with dignity and maturity to The Witch's email, and copy the counselor of course. This is the email written from the voice of Husband, but we wrote it mutually together.

"I feel that there is a great misperception about my wife and things that have happened here in our home. It is because of these misperceptions that I feel we need to meet together as adults who care about Trouble and who want what is best for him. This includes my wife.

I would like to address some of those misperceptions here and would hope to further this conversation in person with the counselor.

Stepped and I have both come to understand recently that Trouble has misinterpreted what we mean when we say this is our house. We are the adults who have the ultimate say in what goes on in our home. There has been a lot of dictation on Trouble's part as to what he thinks he should be able to do and has not respected our feelings in the matter. Because this is our home, and we have our own needs and wants and have to account for the needs and wants of all five of our children, the decisions made are up to our digression. This does not mean that the children are not welcome here or have a place in our home or our lives. We would like to have a discussion with Trouble on this subject as well.

There have been a handful of times over the last 4 and a half years where the words damn or hell have been used either toward or in front of the children. I believe this issue has been exaggerated.

The yelling has certainly increased over the last several months, as Trouble's disrespect has increased. Stepped is typically backing me up in the instances where Trouble has disregarded what I am saying to him. She does have an expectation that all the children are to be respectful to the adults and it does result in anger and yelling when they are not. We would like to minimize the conflicts, and come to a more positive approach but that can only take place if there is respect between all parties.

No one is more aware of Stepped's mistakes then she is. However, she deserves to be forgiven, as we all deserve forgiveness and we need to try to move forward.

We agree with the counselor's recommendation to have a discussion together to get past the misperceptions and talk about our differences so that we can be unified on behalf of the children. We are not asking for friendships nor would we think that is even reasonable, but we do mutually share 2 children between us and they need us all to work together for them. I feel that if we are united in purpose and respect one another, even if we disagree on the specifics, that the kids will be benefitted greatly. Then we can start to heal the relationship with Trouble, Stepped and I, and can move forward with having a discussion with him directly."

The Witch was totally ticked off and called Husband on the phone last night. She wasn't mad because of our email but because we replied including the counselor. She was mad that we included her email and she was still insisting that I'm the only problem and it has nothing to do with her. She doesn't think she needs to talk to the counselor at all. After about two minutes of her complaining at Husband, I gave him the "cut it off" sign and he said "I need to go" and hung up on her. I actually busted out laughing. It's not that it's really funny but she just acts so typical and predictable. I told Husband that if she tries to talk to him about this over the phone again, that he needs to say "Hold that thought. I need to get my recorder so I can record this conversation." I'm sure she will hang up at that point, but if not, we actually do have a device to record cell phone conversations which he can use.

We feel that this is most likely the end of counseling unless the counselor can calm her down and help her to see that it's in her sons' best interest for her to be more mature, respectful and cooperative. However, if she does try to take us to court, I think we have a good foundation to show that we have been respectful and willing to work with the counselor to help Trouble. I'm sure she will end up looking like an idiot and my guess would be the judge will tell her she needs to continue the counseling and be more cooperative. If she has a lawyer with any sense, the lawyer would tell her to do the same and save us all the headache of court.

As a side note, Husband invited Trouble to watch a movie with ALL of us yesterday and Trouble came with us. He didn't exactly talk to me directly, but when Soccer Boy was talking about their last soccer game on the drive, it was a group conversation and went well. It's not major, but it does show that The Witch was wrong (again) because it's not that Trouble doesn't want to be around me at all, like she said, but that he doesn't want to come over here and have to follow our rules. *sigh* She keeps saying that Husband doesn't get it but she is the one who is totally delusional. It's like a lot of you are saying, she is making this all into what she wants it to be and twisting things in order to suit her purposes. I don't like her either but she's still their mom, I respect that and I care enough about the kids to do things that might be uncomfortable for me in order to help them.

I doubt this is the end of the drama.

PS We actually do have fun around here too. We had a nice family Super Bowl party, with the family members who were home today. I'm stuffed from all the food!

Responses to Counselor Email

Reponse from Husband and I to the Counselor and The Witch (since we were asked to include everyone in counselor emails)

"Stepped and I (Husband) are ready and willing to meet with you and The Witch to discuss how to more effectively co-parent. Our specific thoughts for the discussion would be to:

*go over our household rules so there is no ambiguity

*gain a clearer understanding of The Witch's household rules

*come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's household rules, even those that differ

*create unity for the children, all parents working together in the kids best interest

We are available to meet next week in the evenings after 4:30. Or the following week from Wednesday on we are open anytime."



Reponse from The Witch sent only to Husband:

"Husband,
you are missing the problem. the problem is not in my household or about rules. the problem is with Stepped. Trouble does not want
to be around her at all. has nothing to do with his dislike for the rules. until you understand that there is little point talking about co-parenting. which I do not attend to do with her. I will coparent with you which I feel has been great, but not with Stepped. how can you talk about coparenting with someone who tells both my children all the time that your house is not theirs, yells and cusses all the time and then be involved in church activities. I will not be be involved with someone like that. I don't need that in my life or my kids life. I am willing to talk with you and discuss our children but that's it. I still think the goal for FAMILY therapy is to get Trouble involved and
talk to him about his problems. This is supposed to be about him, not my household."


So, there you have it. Did I predict this right or what?! Her view of me is so totally skewed I don't even know what to say really. Her discription of me sounds like a stranger because that is certainly not accurate.

We forwarded her message to the counselor and hope that maybe he can help but I doubt it. The Witch is the witch.

I have a question. Is it natural for me to now feel like I don't even want to be around "Perfect" either? If she too is telling her mom that I yell and cuss all the time and so on, what would be her reason for telling those lies? I get why Trouble is doing it, he's trying to get his mom on his side to hate me, but I've never been under the impression that "Perfect" also felt that way. I always thought she at least respected me and that we got along for the most part. I really didn't know that she too disliked me. That really makes me feel bad.

Laugh Out Loud!

We received the counselor's email today and after reading it, all I can do is to laugh out loud.

A little background, about 6 months ago:

The first time Trouble "ran away" from our house, was because Husband tried to take his phone away as a means of grounding him for his bad behavior that day. Trouble would not give Husband the phone and he left the house and hid somewhere to call his mom. The Witch called Husband after she talked to Trouble and it was my suggestion that after The Witch picked up Trouble, that she bring him back to our house and all of us adults go somewhere, like Wendy's or Starbucks, and talk about things that have been going on and to get a game plan together to help Trouble.

The Witch totally freaked out. She didn't want to have anything to do with talking to me or being around me at all. She made it clear to Husband that I am not part of this and it was just between them.

The Witch picked up Trouble and took him back to her house.

I tried emailing The Witch instead, not about this issue, but about other things that came up afterward. I was polite and stated my feelings on things that were happening and that I was concerned about Trouble.

The Witch chewed me up and spit me out. She would have nothing to do with me. She insulted me, complained to Husband and on and on.

I figured it wasn't worth trying to talk to her anymore, so I let it go after about three emailed attempts to work with her.

So today's email:

Guess what the counselor suggested?

"The most direct manner would be for all adults to meet for a respectful discussion of opinion so we can begin re-structuring the parental level"

LOL!!! Really? He suggested exactly what I tried to do 6 months prior!!!

The Witch is going to be so mad. I'm telling you. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm sure Husband is going to get an earful from her today. Poor guy.

Ha, ha, HA!

I'm totally in the mood for gloating. It's probably the only time I'm going to feel good about counselling, so I might as well enjoy it now!

The counselor told us today that Trouble needs private sessions so that Trouble can come to terms with whatever it is that is causing his anger. It's the counselors plan to meet with Trouble as soon as possible, tonight even if The Witch is willing to bring him over.

The counselor also said that ALL the parents need to be on the same page and need to stop placing the blame on one person. Specifically me because it's not all one persons fault. Yes, he totally said that!!

The new plan... The counselor is going to send an email to both The Witch and Husband outlining co-parenting and the importance for treating all parents as equals, including stepparents. That when the children come home with stories, the adults need to talk together so there is no more hearsay and guessing. That ALL parents need to be invovled when there are problems. That it's okay to disagree with the other parent, but that we each respect one another's position whether there is agreement or not.

The Witch is going to be spitting fire, steam out of her ears, cussing and hitting walls MAD when she gets that email. She wants it to be all me sooooo badly. So, HA, HA, Ha, HA, ha, ha. I win!

Actually, I hope with all my heart that The Witch will listen to the counselor and start helping Trouble to get past all his anger so we can all be happy. I really hope that even if she is mad about having to work with me (Oh, I just love that!) that she will still take Trouble to the counselor.

You know what makes me want to gloat the most? I've been saying this exact stuff for over a year now. I KNEW that we needed to come together as parents and get united FOR the children. I even tried to start dialog with The Witch this summer but her reponse was that she didn't have to talk to me, and she didn't care what I had to say. So, in your face Witch. I was RIGHT!

Okay, I think I am done now. I'll let you all know the reaction to the email.

Home Again

We all stayed home again today. I actually think we have the flu which explains why I have been so down lately. Not that all this mess wouldn't have made me depressed anyway.

I think we are all feeling better this afternoon. I went to the store early this morning and bought all the typical flu items, like popsicles, chicken soup, juice, gatorade and bread. Our tummies seem to be settling down.

I hope after another good night's sleep we can get up on time and the kids can go back to school. We have our counselor appointment tomorrow as well, so I sure want to be feeling up to that.

Tired

Not much to say today.

This morning I didn't get out of bed so the three boys got to stay home from school. I think that was a good thing because we are all having flu symptoms. Yuck!

Husband made the appointment for just us to speak to the counselor this week.

I feel really drained. All this stuff is taking an emotional toll on me. I appreciate all of your encouragement. It helps me to get through the day.

Before YOU

So guess what? Everyone was happier before I came along. Yes, the story of my fabulous marriage is that I make everyone else miserable. I've been told this over and over and over again. And yet again today, Husband had this exact conversation with The Witch. Everyone was happier before I came along, so now we have to go to counselling. It's all because of me.

Why are ex-wives sooooo mean? I really don't understand it. I truly don't. SHE left Husband for another man. She walked out on her marriage AND her two children!! She only has custody because she manipulated Husband (who really is blind to her and after 20 years you'd think he'd know her better). Did she bother to ask her kids if it was okay with them if she slept with another man and spent a year "finding herself"? Does she really think they were happy with that situation? That they were blissfully happy watching their home and parents fall apart? She's just sooo darn perfect that they love everything she's ever said and done? GIVE ME A BREAK!!

It sucks to be judged, critized, insulted, and emotionally beaten up. You know The Witch hasn't ever talked to me? I've never spent even 30 seconds in the same vacinity with her. And yet she knows all about me, who I am, and what I'm about because of what the steps have told her? Do you know how excited that makes me to ever want to be around the steps knowing that they bring all this gossip back to another woman who uses it against me?

I can't think of a time when I've had anyone, other than X, hate me. I get why X hated me, I left him (NOT for another man, I just left), but this woman doesn't even know me. She knows nothing really concrete about me, other then I married her ex-husband. Yet, she's determined to cause havoc in my life. I'm a human being. I'm a mom. I have three children, who are affected by all of this and will be devastated by another divorce. I have feelings, needs, and wants too. I don't understand what would cause another person to hate and want to destroy a person they don't even know. Or a person who wouldn't even think about how what she does affects other children. How could anyone be so eternally cruel?

I'm so angry right now. I really want to yell at the top of my lungs but the kids would be totally freaked out. They don't deserve to have a mom who is going to pieces.

It was a good day but then...

After I wrote my earlier post today, I did a little housework and headed out to spend time with some friends. We made plans last week to see a movie and eat at the mall. We had a great time talking, and one of the ladies recently moved here, so it was fun getting to know someone new. The movie, When in Rome, wasn't all that great. It was cute but also silly. It didn't really matter though. We had fun.

I rushed home to pick up Baby Boy from school, along with two of his friends for a play date. When Soccer Boy got home, I spent some time with him as well. Drama Boy went to a friend's house so all I got was a phone call from him. I was really enjoying myself, and the kids were having fun hanging out with me too.

Then Husband (and "Perfect") came home and who knew that would turn into a mess? Certainly not me.

I went upstairs to talk to Husband and welcome him home, see how his day went and all that typical stuff. We got to talking about Husband calling to make our appointment with the counselor, and Husband said that he didn't make it because he couldn't get a hold of me. He made a point of getting my cell phone (which I had left at home on accident when I was out for the day) to show me that he had sent me a message trying to talk to me. The counselor was only available at certain times and he wanted to find out what time would work for me. Since I didn't answer him, he didn't make the appointment. All of which sounds reasonable and considerate, except I thought he wanted to take the appointment already in place for next week. The appointment where we were supposed to have a group session. We talked about that yesterday and I made all the arrangements with our insurance so that he could change the appointment from a group session to a session with just us. What was there to ask me about? Anyway, he obviously misunderstood, or I did, but either way there was a misunderstanding.

Husband was frustrated and told me that he doesn't want to have multiple appointments but would like to get to a resolution as soon as possible. He wants his son to come back over here in the next week or two. He also told me that I am bossy and that I'm just trying to get my way.

Honestly, I couldn't say anything. I was very surprised to hear that. I thought I was doing what he wanted and had asked me to do. He even made sure I had the right phone numbers and insurance information before he left for work today. This is certainly not how I want things. If I wanted to force my way, it would be that Trouble never come back over here again and Husband can spend time with him at the mall, or park, or movie theater or wherever, during his visitation. But I realize that is only in my best interest and not the best interest of Husband or Trouble. Going to counselling and trying to work with Trouble and The Witch is a royal pain. But because I love Husband and want Trouble to learn better ways of dealing with life, frustrations and jealousy, I'm a willing party. I'm really not sure how I am being bossy or trying to get my way.

Right now I feel very sensitive. It feels like I'm beaten up on a regular basis. I'm trying to have understanding for Trouble and The Witch in all their threats but I need to feel like Husband is supporting me just like I am supporting him. It hurts me very much when he says things like that. I need to hear that he loves and appreciates me.

So guess what? I'm now going to have to go downstairs and tell Husband that I love him and I'm sorry. Or I can stay up here and we can be angry with one another for the weekend. And of course if I stay up here and we are angry with one another, Husband will be sure to tell me how this is all my fault because of how I acted, that I always do this, that I treat him like crap...

I just need a hug sooo bad! I'd like to feel like I'm still loved even if I'm not perfect and that Husband feels bad about how he acted even if I didn't apologize first. Sometimes I think I'm not worthy of that because I've made too many mistakes.

Things are Looking Up

I'm feeling much better today after all of yesterday's bad news. I made some phone calls this morning and found out that Trouble's counselor is also on our insurance plan. So, we can see this man a few times for free and we don't have to be subjected to The Witch in order to do it. So Yeah! Husband is supposed to be calling to change next week's appointment from a group session to a session with just us. I'll need to find someone to pick up Baby Boy from school, but it will be worth it.

I also contacted Trouble's school counselor to set up an appointment for Husband to meet with her. Husband would like to talk to her before we go see the other counselor. So, he will be meeting with her Tuesday and then we should see the other guy on Wednesday. So Yeah again!

It's nice to feel like I have some control again. I really wasn't happy being dictated to by The Witch. And I'm glad to see Husband taking some control as well. He doesn't do that very often when it comes to The Witch or his kids. I can tell that all of this is very important to him.

Hard Day with Benefits

Husband tried to talk to The Witch yesterday about the counselling appointment, but she was too busy to talk. Can you say coward?

Instead Husband sent a text and told her that he was disappointed that she didn't send him the appointment information so that he could be there and meet the counselor because he has wanted to get Trouble into counselling for a while now.

The Witch wrote back that this was her attorney's idea, not Husbands. Whatever. It probably was his/her suggestion but Husband talked to her about this before.

The Witch also said that Husband has no right to be there because this is HER insurance and that I (Stepped) had better be scared and better show up because I'm the one who needs the counselling, not Trouble. That if I don't show up, she will take us to court.

Yes, more threats. *sigh*

I started crying because I actually am scared. The Witch is really mean. I've seen the things she has done to her family members, so I know that there is evil in her. She hates me, so who knows what she is capable of.

Husband and I were also sent text messages from The Witch that Trouble had sent to her the night I smacked him. They were basically his telling of what happened. Husband and I weren't shocked when we read them, but I guess we were a little disappointed with Trouble's version. It really sounded bad and if that is what The Witch thinks happened, then it's no wonder she is totally freaking out. It seems when Husband talked to her, also that same night, she decided Husband was lying. Trouble made himself sound totally innocent and made me out to be a complete psycho. Like he was just sitting there in the bathroom and I came in and starting hitting him for no reason and all he could do was try to defend himself and tell me to stop. Um, no that is not right. Honestly, I can't understand why she would even believe such a story. It's just so far fetched. Wouldn't most people wonder what happened that would set someone off that they would want to hit another person? It seems very unreasonable that anyone would do something like that unprovoked. But there I go thinking she is reasonable, and of course she is not.

For the back story - Smackdown with Trouble

No phone call from the counselor today either which worries me. I really want to know what is going on.

Husband wants to talk to Trouble's school counselor and get some information from them, and he wants us to make our own appointment with this other counselor so we can talk to him alone, under our own insurance so we aren't subjected to The Witch. I think that sounds like a good idea. We really need to talk with him before we have a group meeting.

So, after about 3 hours with talk about Trouble and The Witch, I decided that it was time to put it to rest. I took Husband upstairs and we made love for an hour. A much better way to spend our time.

I KNEW it, I just knew it

I'm starting to think that all ex-wives are carbon copies. Seriously. Everything I read from other bloggers about the little games and such that these women play, I seem to go through too. I truly don't get it. I wish I had known all of this stuff before I got involved in it. Maybe I would have gotten involved anyway, but my eyes would have been more open.

And here I say that, but I'm also an ex-wife. So, ladies, please remind of all this stuff if/when X decides to get off the couch and find someone to marry. I really don't want to be one of those women being complained about. I don't want to fall into the same insane patterns that all the other ex-wives fall into.

Last week The Witch cancelled the counselor appointment due to insurance. On Friday she set another appointment, and told Husband that her phone wasn't working so she would have to get him the information later.

Today Husband gets a text that Trouble had his appointment yesterday and we are all supposed to meet with the counselor next Tuesday at 2:00. Um... thanks?

Husband really want to be there for this first appointment. Not to be in the room or anything, but he wanted to meet the counselor, to show that he is there to support his son and also to be there to have a say in follow up appointments.

Of course The Witch knew that Husband was going to show up, since he tried to go last week, so she purposely didn't give him any of the information. Yes, I can see clearly now that she is quite controlling.

But it gets better...

She also said in her text that if we (meaning Husband and I) can't come to a resoultion, that she will have to take us to court and change the visitation arrangements.

Good grief. I do tire of the threats. I really do.

Husband and I have asked for her to work with us for about 6 months now. Ever since the first time Trouble ran away and hid from us when he didn't get his way. She completely refused to talk to us, well mostly me. Since she wouldn't go for working things out between all of us, Husband asked her if she would take Trouble to counselling. That was around Thanksgiving, after he was caught with the naked pictures of the girl from school. Of course that didn't happen. And now she tries to make it out like we are causing her problems? We've been trying to fix things with Trouble for some time now.

There is no way I can attend an appointment at 2:00. I have to pick up Baby Boy from school at 3:00. Plus Husband is at work during that time and Trouble is in school. I get that maybe the appointments need to be during the day, but The Witch can't schedule things for us, certainly not for me, without consulting us first.

I'm also frustrated that the counselor is immediately wanting to meet with all of us. She hasn't even talked to Husband and I yet. What is that all about? It makes me really nervous. I'd like a chance to meet with the counselor first.

I had Husband call the counselor to find out how the appointment went, what she would like to discuss next week and of course to get the day/time changed since 2:00 will not work for me. He had to leave a message. I hope that her office calls back tomorrow. I think Husband should know what is going on. Don't you?

"My" Family

What does family actually mean? Is it blood relation? Those you live with? People who care about you? Do you have to see them regularly for family to apply?

Last night Husband was brushing his teeth getting ready for bed and I was running around getting Baby Boy settled down and ready for bed. It was the typical evening routine. Baby Boy picked up Husband's watch and was playing with it. He thought the clasp was cool and asked a lot of questions about how it worked and why it was made the way it was made. We answered all of his questions as he took it on and off of his wrist. As I was walking Baby Boy out of the bathroom to get him into bed he said to Husband:

"Can I have this watch after you die?"

I laughed. Baby Boy cracks me up with the things he thinks of sometimes.

Husband did not find this funny however and said very seriously:

"No. Someone in my family might want it."

Baby Boy wasn't phased and happily walked out of the room, while I looked back at Husband with shock and disgust.

After Baby Boy was tucked in, kisses were exchanged and he was on his way to dreamland, I got into bed next to Husband who asked me if I was mad at him. Um, YES!

But I said: "A little"

He said: "I'm sorry about the watch thing. I took that too seriously I guess. What should I have said?"

"You could have said, 'I don't know. Maybe'"

He agreed.

I thought of my next words carefully and said: "Baby Boy was only 2 when you came into his life. He doesn't know family to be anything different then how it is now. You are his family."

Husband was quiet. We snuggled together for a little while. Then husband said, a little choked up: "He is my family."

Trouble and Counselling

Husband told me that another appointment has been made for Trouble to attend counselling this coming week. I'm glad that The Witch didn't wait too long. I feel anxious to get things going and I'm actually looking forward to our turn to talk to the counselor. It sure will feel good to get things out in the open with someone I feel could be a very beneficial middle man.

There are many things that need to be said and discussed with not only Trouble but also The Witch. Things we haven't been able to get across to them on our own. I still have my doubts about how far The Witch will take counselling when she and Trouble are told that they play a part in all of this, because The Witch has told Husband several times that all the problems are because of me. But you never know. I think she really cares about her son and wants to do right by him, so maybe when the suggestions are coming from an outsider she will be more open to listening.

Low Drama Life?

I've been reading Erin's Blog this week and I'm very inspired that they went from near separation to total fools in love. I don't know that Husband and I are near separation at this point. We've talked about it before but I think we both believe in marriage and want to do whatever it takes to work things out. But we have for sure lost that loving feeling. We function.

I was going to talk about Trouble getting rewarded with a new cell phone because he's been so good for The Witch lately. *she is so clueless

Instead I think I need to focus on what I can control, what I can do to change things around and figure out what actually matters to me and what I can let go. I could sure use less drama.

1. I don't like disorder or disorganization. It actually puts me in a foul mood when things are turned upside down. But I haven't taken much time for cleaning or oganizing. If I concentrate on the house, even one little corner of the house, each day, over a short period of time the house would be much more orderly. That is something I can control.

2. No more talk about Trouble at bedtime. I will have to get Husband on board with this, so it's not totally in my control, but I think that we will both sleep a lot better if we spend that time in positive engagement, rather then problem solving. I think Husband will be okay with this.

Bummer, only two things. I'm really in a funk right now. The drama has taken over. But one step at a time right? So, I need to eat, shower and find some part of this house to organize. I can do. Yes, I can!

Mom Knows Best

I was right about Drama Boy. He called me after school to ask if he could go to his best friend's house. I knew he wasn't sick. Well, some congestion, but not stay home from school sick.

I'm starting to feel congested too. I wonder if it's allergies? The weather has been a lot warmer lately, so I'll bet that's it. Tonight we all get a round of allergy medicine. Maybe that will make for a better Friday morning.

Drama Boy being Himself

My biological middle child is my dramatic one. Everything is over the top with him, and I can't say that I'm not like that at times myself, so maybe that lovely trait of his comes from me. :-)

Today Drama Boy is suffering from "Idon'twanttogotoschoolitis". He does have a bit of a head cold, so I understand when his throat is sore in the mornings. But we are talking about full on fits about how he's going to die if I send him to school and I'm so mean and he didn't get any sleep last night and he's going to fall asleep in class and get detention... There was probably more but I start tuning out after a while.

I don't fall for these dramatics very easily. I gave him a small dose of decongestant and a handful of throat losenges, and I sent him to school.

When he gets home tonight, I'm sure this life threatening disease will be cured, and he will be off to hang out with his best friend.

Appointment Cancelled

Darn it! The counselor The Witch chose isn't covered by her insurance company. So she cancelled the appointment. She didn't bother to tell us though. Husband found out when he got to the counselor's office. So far no new person has been found. I was really hoping to get the ball rolling. Shoot!

Smackdown with Trouble - Final

...Continued from Parts 1, 2 and 3

That entire back story leads me to today and our first appointment with a counselor. I felt like I needed to write it all down, as what happens next should not really come as a complete surprise. It's been over 4 years in the making and while I am not completely proud of what I am about to say, I do feel that if the result is an eye opening experience for The Witch and for Trouble, then it was worth it.

A few weekends ago, New Years weekend, Trouble and "Perfect" were visiting. "Perfect" wanted to attend the church New Years party for teens. Trouble however, wanted to go to a friend's house. We do not know this friend, nor have we heard of him, so I was skeptical. However, do to previous experience, Husband wouldn't say no, or even question Trouble about his plans. All Husband asked was that Trouble call him if he decided to go somewhere else.

The next day Husband talked to Trouble and found out that Trouble had attended a party at someone elses house. The girl who had the party is friend's with Soccer Boy also, and had been bragging about her unchaperoned party on Facebook. - What happens here is based on what Husband told me. I was not in the car. - Husband was very upset about this information and when he picked up Trouble, he asked if there were adults at the party. Trouble was defensive and yelled at his dad, saying that there were a lot of adults there. One of them was "Perfect's" best friend's dad, whom we know. Husband also told Trouble that he was supposed to call to let Husband know if he was going somewhere that night and wanted an apology. Trouble got really mad, and when they got home Trouble locked himself in the bathroom. Husband called the dad we know, and confirmed that there were adults at the party all night.

I had been making plans to go watch a movie with "Perfect" and her best friend, and Husband and Trouble when they got home. Since Trouble locked himself in the bathroom and was throwing a fit, I thought we should go without him, but Husband wanted to take him. Husband was really angry so I decided to knock on the bathroom door to invite Trouble to come to the movie with us.

I said stop throwing a fit, that Husband was worried about him because that is Husband's job, it was obviously a misunderstanding and to come out so we could go to watch a movie. Trouble turned his music blaring loud so he didn't have to listen to me. I knocked on the door several times and told him to come out. When he didn't, I got mad.

I asked Husband to get the key to unlock the bathroom door. Once the door was open, I pushed Husband out of the bathroom and I locked the door. I totally yelled at Trouble, got right in his face and gave him a piece of my mind. I have no idea what I said. I do know I was not swearing but other then that, I don't know, but I was really pissed off.

Husband was freaking out on the other side of the door telling Trouble not to hurt me. In order to understand this you'd have to know that I am very tiny. I weigh less then 100lbs and I'm short. Trouble is as big as Husband, and since Trouble has punched kids before, I can see why Husband would be worried. However, I was the one in control in that bathroom. I think Trouble was shocked along with being pissed off. We were probably in the bathroom less than a minute.

Trouble made his way out of the bathroom and unto the hall. I continued to yell at Trouble and this time I know I was telling him that this is my house, it's my rules and that he is not going to push us around anymore. I am in charge and I don't care if he likes it or not, but that he will do what I say, when I say it. Trouble was seriously glaring at me, and was mouthy. He told me he didn't have to listen to me. That I don't know anything. That I can't tell him what to do. That if I don't like it, I can send him home. And somewhere in all of that, I slapped his face. I know after I did that I said specifically "I don't give a crap if you and I have a relationship, but I do care if you two do" meaning Trouble and Husband. I told Trouble to sit on his bed and listen to what Husband has to say and they needed to work things out. Then I left and took the dog for a walk in order to calm down.

As a side note, "Perfect's" friend must have thought she was in a crazy house. However, when I think about it, she acted perfectly normal when I came back. She and "Perfect" came into the kitchen to talk to me about the movie. I wonder what kind of drama she must see at her house?!

After Husband and Trouble talked things out, Trouble started texting The Witch and telling her that she needs to take me to court. The Witch called Husband and they had a calm conversation, which was very surprising to me, considering I just slapped her kid.

After all that we still went to the movie, only a later showing of it. Trouble didn't say a word on the drive, refused to eat dinner and went to the lobby of the theater for part of the time.

When we got home from the movie, Husband asked Trouble a question and Trouble ignored him. This set me off again, and I yelled at Trouble about listening to his dad and to answer Husband when he asks a question. Trouble told me to stop talking for Husband and I told Trouble that I thought we already made it clear that it's my house, my rules and my way. I had Husband and Trouble talk together again without me in the room.

The next day Trouble never came out of his room. He texted The Witch and told her he wasn't feeling well. The Witch called Husband to tell him that Trouble wasn't feeling well. I stayed out of it this time, but once Husband came downstairs after tending to the "illness" I told Husband that for future he should tell The Witch that if Trouble calls again, that she needs to tell Trouble to stop and to talk to Husband directly. Husband went out of his way all day taking up things to Trouble and even going to the store to get things for him. And guess what... Trouble wasn't sick. Yes, I know you saw that one coming. But Husband, was a pushover as usual.

Last week Husband got a call from The Witch. She demanded that Husband sign papers stating that he would no longer have visitations with Trouble and if he didn't sign she would take us to court for child abuse. Husband called me totally panicked wondering what to do. I told him that The Witch was being stupid because all a judge will do is tell us to go to counselling which is what Husband had told the Witch to set up several times over the last couple of months. I told him to call her bluff and tell her that he isn't signing anything and that he wants her to set up an appointment for as soon as possible. -- We would have done it but Trouble would never have gone if it was something we wanted. Plus The Witch can get counselling for free since her husband works for the city. It would cost us the full price and The Witch would then owe half. It makes the most logical sense for The Witch to do it.

And thankfully she made the appointment, but of course she insisted that Trouble isn't the one who needs to go, because he never acts like this at her house. Stepmom (Me) is the problem and needs counselling.

I agree that yelling at Trouble and slapping him was way over the top. I was out of control angry and I'm sure there are better ways to have handled things. I know that Husband and I need to learn how to deal with Trouble in a way that is positive for all of us, and I am very open to whatever the counselor suggests.

However, Trouble TOTALLY needs counselling and The Witch is in complete denial about her part in all of this. She has contributed to this insanity for years by allowing Trouble to be a victim rather then helping him to take responsibility for his part. And Trouble acts out in places other than in my home as well. If things don't go his way, he will throw a fit. He may not do it to The Witch but he certainly does with classmates, teachers and community members.

Husband and I have decided that Trouble has resented me moving into the house, and my kids taking over his room, and having to share his time, since the very beginning. Trouble has always thrown tantrums when he didn't get his way. This started long before I came into the picture and even The Witch agrees that he has always done this. Both The Witch and Husband have given into the trantrums in one way or another, but Husband stopped being as easy to push once I came along. I was the bad guy long before I ever did anything to warrant the title and I think I would have been the bad guy no matter what.

The fight that very first day over 4 years ago between Soccer Boy and Trouble, was due to Trouble not wanting to share his room or his game system. And Husband came to Trouble's rescue, with me and Soccer Boy being the bad guys. Trouble was never held accountable for anything that he did that day, nor any day since.

So, Trouble has the first appointment and I'd love to be a fly on that wall. I can only imagine the things he will tell this man about how terrible he's been treated by me and Husband. I really want this to be a step in the right direction. I have my doubts but I want to keep an open mind. Husband and I could certainly use a silver lining because our marriage, from day one, has been a major rollercoaster ride when it comes to Trouble.